The Giant and His Light : Book 2

Part Ten

Mother: "Busisiwe? What's going on with you? Why are you crying?"
Me: "I'm so sorry Mama...it's all my fault...it's all my fault." I said crying and hugging her tightly around her waist.
Mother: "What are you talking about?" She asked a little irritated. Her arms were by her sides. She wasn't hugging me back. Not like I was expecting her to. But I don't want to lie. I was disappointed. I needed her. I needed my mother. For her to tell me that everything was alright, that I wasn't a worthless person. That she loved me. And most importantly, that it wasn't my fault. Because I blamed myself for what happened to her. I knew that I shouldn't be feeling any blame but I couldn't help it. My mother had suffered a lot people, and then she suffered more when I was born and I looked the same as her perpetrator. Her own family had disowned her in the time of need and chose to believe the man...my father who had violated her in the worst possible way. That man was also your mother's father. A voice mocked. You and your mother have the same father. Another voice mocked and the other voices laughed. I cried more on my mother's shoulders shaking my head.
Me: "It's all my fault mama. Please forgive me." I begged sobbing.
Mother: "What the? Just get off me." She said trying to push me off her but I held on tighter... "really now Busisiwe?"
Me: "I'm sorry Mama-."
Mother: "Why are you sorry?!" She asked angrily.
Zanoxolo: "We met up with your family a few days ago and they told us-."
Mother: "What did they tell you? Huh? I said what did they tell you?" She asked in a shrill voice.
Zanoxolo: "They told us about what that bastard of a step-father did to you-."
Mother: "Yey!" She shouted... "don't say another word." She said cutting him off... "so this is why she is crying and asking for forgiveness?"
Zanoxolo: "She-."
Mother: "Yey get off me." She said trying to push me off her but I held on... "I said get off me Busisiwe." This time she pushed me so hard that I almost fell. If it hadn't been for the giant saving me, I would've landed on my ass. After my mother pushed me off her, she closed the door on our faces. I banged on the door crying and begging for her to open. I tried to turn the door knob but the door was locked. I carried on banging on the door until my hands were sore and red. The giant pulled me back to him and I cried on his chest. My heart was painful. I thought I had known pain, but I didn't. The pain that I was feeling at that moment was brutal. It felts like I was being ripped in pieces. My mother hated me. She didn't want to forgive me.
Zanoxolo: "Let's go home my heart." He said softly brushing my head soothingly. I shook my head. I didn't want to leave without my mother forgiving me. I needed her forgiveness... "let's give your mother time my heart, and then we'll come back." Even if you give her time, she will never love or forgive you. One of the voices said in my head. She will forever hate you because you remind her of her worst nightmare. You shouldn't have been born. You're an abomination! Abomination! Abomination! The voices started chanting. Save yourself the misery and kill yourself. Yes! Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Nobody wants you! Nobody loves you! He does! Who? My giant! No he doesn't. He's pretending. No isn't! Yes he is! They are all liars! If you don't kill yourself, he will leave you when he finds a woman who's better than you. A woman who's not worthless. A woman who's not damaged. And a woman who's not a product of rape! I screamed, pulling the giants shirt with my fists... "block those damn voices woman." He said strongly... "don't let them take over." He ordered. I think it was too late. The voices were already in control. I closed my eyes tightly. There were a lot of them. They were so loud. The giant led me to the lift. We went in and went down. I was holding on to him because it felt like I was going to fall at any minute. My body was weak. My mind was disorientated. Where were we? What were we doing here again? Worthless! Product of rape! You want to end your misery? Yes! Kill yourself! Kill yourself!... "baby get in." We were by the car now. He had the passenger door opened for me. I looked up at him. You love me don't you? No, he doesn't! Please love me. Please save me. The voices have taken over. I don't know how much I can take or handle anymore... "whatever those fucken voices are saying to you, remember you're my heart." He told me strongly and gave me a hard and bruising kiss. I touched my tingling lips with my fingers. I think he's telling the truth. He's not. He's trying to confuse you. Don't let him. I closed my eyes and shook my head... "look at me woman." He ordered growling. I opened my eyes and looked up and him... "what're my eyes telling you?" His eyes were so intense and held so much deep emotion that it made my heart ache.
Me: "You love me?" I asked in a small and weak shaky voice. He growled deeply and pulled me to him.
Zanoxolo: "Love feels so insignificant compared to how I really feel for you my heart." My heart gave a slight squeeze and tiny flutters attacked my stomach at his declaration. He's lying.
Me: "You deserve better than me." All of a sudden, his hand connected with my butt cheek hard and I gasped in surprise and pain.
Zanoxolo: "Don't ever utter that bullshit to me ever again. Do you hear me woman?" He said in a dangerous voice. I nodded quickly... "good. Now get your ass in the car." I got in and he closed the passenger door. He went around and entered his side. He put the car on start and drove off. I grabbed his arm and I put my head against the head rest and I blinked back some tears. I thought about what just happened with my mother. Will she ever love me na bethuna? Will she ever forgive me for existing? I really preferred that she had killed me when I was still in her womb, than me feeling this way. Why hadn't she killed me back then? Now I understand why ever since I was born, my life hadn't been good. My traumatic history and messed up relationship with my mother, was all because I was an imbalance in nature. I mean, I had the same father as my mother people! Nothing could be worse than that. You're a product of rape! You're an abomination! I groaned in pain and misery, and dug my nails into the giant's arm... "don't worry baby, when we get home, we'll fight those demons together, just hold on for now." He told me. Why did all of this have to happen to me? I mean, I've been through enough already. Didn't I at least deserve a break? I fought with staying sane all the way home. When we got home, the giant's phone rang. I quickly went to the bathroom because I needed to pee. After I finished my business, I went to the sink and washed my hands, and after that I just stared at my reflection on the mirror. Kill yourself. One voice whispered. No. Do it now, whilst your man is still busy on the phone. I shook my head. Don't you want the pain that you're feeling to end? I do. Don't you want the misery to end too? Oh God, I wanted it to end so badly and desperately. Then killing yourself will end everything. But what about the giant? Better kill yourself now before he realizes that he doesn't want an abomination as his woman. When that happens, who will you have left then? Your mother doesn't want you. You'll be all alone.
Me: "No please." I cried painfully with my fist against my chest. Kill yourself! No. I could feel my resistance getting weaker and weaker. Do it! The voice shouted. Then a lot of voices started to chant. Do it! Do it! Do it! Maybe I should really do it. Killing myself, would end all of my sufferings. I opened the cabinet mirror and I took one the blades that were there with shaky hands. I looked at the blade with tears pouring out of my eyes. Do it! Do it! Do it! Now there were a lot of them in my head chanting. My head felt like it was going to explode. The first cut on my wrist, even though it was painful as hell, was shallow. The physical pain was better than the pain I was feeling on the inside. I got mesmerized by the color of my blood that was coming out of the cut. It was dark red almost blackish. It was beautiful. I followed the blood with my eyes until it was dropping on the sink. Do it again! Deeper! Deeper! Deeper! My second cut was longer and deeper than the first. Cold chills ran through my body. A lot of blood was now coming out. I couldn't explain what I was feeling, but it felt good. I think the people who take drugs call it euphoria. It was painful yes, but the physical pain made me forget all about my inside pain and misery. I was starting to feel a little dizzy and weak. I was about to do a third cut when the giant barged in through the door. When he saw my state, he stood there for a few seconds shocked. He looked at the blade in my hand and my wrist that was currently bleeding, and then he was moving.
Zanoxolo: "What the fuck are you doing Busisiwe!" He shouted shaking me so hard that my head even bobbed back and forth.... "what the fuck are doing?" He stopped shaking me and yelled in my face. There was a lot of emotions reflected in his face but the most prominent ones I could see were anger and hurt.
Me: "I-I don't know." I burst out crying.
Zanoxolo: "What do you mean you don't know?!" He yelled... "you're fucking slitting your wrist!" He said holding my bloody hand... "look at this!" He yelled... "look at this Busisiwe!" I looked at my wrist. Oh my gosh! The reality of all, made me cry even more. What had I been doing? It was first the pills, now this. Was I really going to kill myself? The giant made me sit on the toilet seat and he grabbed a first aid kit. The giant's face was hard as stone.
Me: "I'm so-."
Zanoxolo: "Don't fucken say anything to me Busisiwe!" He yelled dangerously and I flinched back. He started to clean my cuts wordlessly. The second cut was deep, the blood kept on flowing out. The giant released a horrible sound that was filled with so much pain from his throat. He closed his eyes and shook his head, the tears started to roll down his cheeks. Oh my gosh!
Me: "I'm so-sorry Zano." I was in deep regret now. What had I done? How could I do this to myself? And most importantly, how could I hurt my giant like this? He shook his head and sniffed. Yes, he sniffed.
Zanoxolo: "Don't say anything to me Busisiwe." He didn't yell this time, but I would've preferred that he yelled than him speaking in a voice filled with misery, pain and defeat... "you want me to die is that it?" Oh my gosh! I shook my head crying... "because that's what would've happened if I had found you dead. I would've put a bullet through my head." Oh my gosh! My giant! No! The pain in my heart intensified... "is that what you want?" Tears were still rolling down his cheeks. His tears were killing me people. My poor giant!
Me: "No!" I shouted sobbing and hiccuping. He just shook his head and started to bandage my wrist. After he was done he took out his phone and made a call to someone I didn't know.
Zanoxolo: "Come to my place now. It's an emergency." He hung up.
Me: "Who was that?" I asked nervously in a small voice. He didn't answer me, he just led me to the bedroom. He sat me down by the bed and he went to stand by the window with his back turned towards me. I swallowed. My wrist was burning and aching so much but I wasn't going to say anything because I deserved to be in pain after what I did. How could I be so stupid? The giant's hands were closed tightly into fists on his sides. His whole body was tense.
Me: "I'm so-sorry Zano."
Zanoxolo: "I don't want to hear anything from you right now." My heart squeezed painfully... "just sit there and be quiet while we wait for a doctor to come check your wrist out." I closed my eyes and my lips trembled. After what felt like a decade, a knock sounded on the door. The giant marched out of the bedroom. I guess the doctor was here. I felt nervous and mortified that someone was going to see what I did to my wrist but it was my penance I guess for being stupid. I heard the door opening and closing, then a voice I didn't recognize and the giant's. I heard their footsteps heading my way and I held my breath. A man who was holding a medical kit entered the bedroom with the giant... "please check out her bandaged wrist for me." He said to the man.
The doctor: "Sure thing boss." He came towards me... "may I?" He indicated to my wrist. I nodded sniffing. He squatted on his haunches and took off the bandage, and when I saw the state of my wrist chills attacked my body and I closed my eyes. The cuts looked terrible, especially the deep cut. Blood was still coming out of it. I couldn't believe that I did that to myself.
Zanoxolo: "How bad is it?"
The doctor: "Mmmm, it's not bad boss. The other wound cut is deep but not that deep. She won't need any stitches or anything. It will heal and close itself up in time." He said. The giant grunted... "what I can do now, is apply some ointment that will help with the bleeding and irritation."
Zanoxolo: "Just do whatever you need to do." When the doctor poured some liquid ointment on my wounds, I couldn't help but cry out in pain.
The doctor: "I'm sorry. I should've warned that it was going to burn." That was an understatement. The ointment was scorching my wounds.... "I can give you some pain medication-."
Zanoxolo: "Don't give her any pills." He barked out angrily. Oh my gosh! I bit my lower lip hard to stop myself from crying out.
The doctor: "Got it boss." The doctor looked at me nervously and gave me an apologetic smile. He bandaged up my wrist and stood up... "this ointment will help with the healing of the wounds." He said giving a little bottle to the giant... "she must pour it twice a day, but first you must clean the wounds be-."
Zanoxolo: "I know all of that you bastard. I'm not clueless." The doctor chuckled a little.
The doctor: "I'll also leave these two pills with you just in case the pain gets too much for her." The giant took the pills grumbling unhappily.
The doctor: "And also, I wouldn't be a doctor if I didn't say this."
Zanoxolo: "Say what?"
The doctor: "Don't kill me okay, but I would suggest that your woman goes to see a thera-."
Zanoxolo: "That's already taken care of." He growled softly.
The doctor: "Okay, good then."
Zanoxolo: "If you're done, you can leave." The doctor chuckled.
The doctor: "Your nice pleasantries never get old boss." He said sarcastically and the giant grunted... "nice to officially meet you Busisiwe. My name is Khutso. The first time I saw you, you were unconscious on this bed." What?... "I'm the one who did checks on your bruised lower abdomen and supplied you with kickass medication to help heal you up." Was he talking about that time when I had been kidnapped by Noel? I remember how bruised and painful my lower abdomen had been back then. If it hadn't been for that medication I took, I don't know how I would've survived. So he had been the doctor. And now he was seeing me again in a even worse state than before. This time was worse because I had inflicted pain on myself. I was even more mortified now. Someone close to the giant was seeing how damaged as messed up I was.
Zanoxolo: "Leave now you asshole." He said pushing him to the door of the bedroom.
Khutso: "Okay okay, I'm leaving boss. Bye Busi."
Me: "Bye." Then he left.

It was the next day in the morning. The giant was making breakfast for us. He hadn't said a word to me since yesterday. After Khutso had left, he had stuck by my side, but he didn't utter a word to me. He was angry at me. I could see. Most of the times I would see him grit his teeth together. And on other times I would see him wiping his eyes. I wanted to talk to him so badly but I knew whatever I said, wouldn't be enough to make him forgive what I did. I was feeling crappy people. Well, that was an understatement. Even though he was still his attentive self...still took care of me and didn't leave my side even for a second, I still felt so distant from him. He seemed so far away from me. Yesterday night, when I kept on twisting and turning in bed because the pain on my wrist and the voices were not making me sleep, the giant had given me the two pills to take that Khutso had given him. Only when I had taken the pills could I fall asleep. My wrist was currently aching so badly but I was glad because instead of focusing on the voices in my head, I focused on the pain coming from my wrist. The giant had cleaned my wounds before we came into the kitchen, and he had poured that liquid ointment on my wounds. That thing burned people. I couldn't even look at the cuts on my wrist when the giant had been cleaning me up earlier on. I just couldn't people. I felt nauseated and disgusted at myself every time I thought about what I did. And the worst thing was that I was going to be reminded of what I did for the rest of my life, because those cuts on my wrist were going to be permanent and prominent scars. Every time I looked at them, I would be reminded. There was no running away from what I did. I looked at the giant. He was busy frying eggs by the stove. His back was turned against me. I swallowed and blinked back my tears. I couldn't take this silence anymore. I couldn't handle him being this angry at me. I got off from the counter chair and I slowly walked towards him. My heart was beating so fast. I was nervous and terrified as hell. When I got to him, I wrapped my arms around his middle and his body tensed up.
Me: "I'm sorry Zano. Please forgive me...please tana." I cried on his back... "please...I know I messed up Zano but please forgive me and stop being angry at me." He was breathing a little heavily now..."Zano...I'm sorry...please." He pulled my arms from him and turned to face me and I held my breath. When I thought he was going to push me away, he pulled me into him in a tight hug instead. Then his body started to shake. Oh my gosh! My giant was sobbing silently people. I could feel his tears on my neck... "Zano..." I sobbed painfully.
Zanoxolo: "I-I'm so angry at you woman." He told me in an angry and shaky voice... "so fucken angry at you." Oh my gosh! His body was still shaking. He was still sobbing silently.
Me: "Zano, I'm sorry." He lifted his head from my neck and what I saw on his face nearly killed me. He looked terrible. His eyes were blood red people. I did that to him. Me! He grabbed me by my neck.
Zanoxolo: "Listen to me you stupid and hateful woman. This is the first and last time you make me cry like this. You understand me?" He growled. I nodded with tears rolling down my cheeks... "do you understand?" He barked in my face angrily.
Me: "Yes Zano. I-I understand."
Zanoxolo: "And promise me right here and now that you will never...and I mean never ever attempt to kill yourself ever again."
Me: "I promise Zano."