daggers

daggers #25

JUSTIN'S P.O.V

3 weeks later

"conceptual art, abstract, abstract expressionism, action painting, contour, convention,..." i continuously bump my head lightly on the table while reciting these art terms. we have a long test later in one of my arts subjects and i'm having a hard time remembering everything. it's getting hard for me to cope up lately because trainings have been more extreme than usual since were only 2 weeks away from the competition plus, it's midterms 3 days from now so i have to study hard.

i've been physically worn out from all the trainings, mentally drained from studying for the midterm examinations and completing all my requirements... and emotionally tired from a fight with stell which occurred last week and we haven't talked to each other since.

*flashback*

1 week earlier

"so, why did you react like that?" it's been two weeks since that lunch incident with coach pau and stell's curiosity on why i reacted like that seemed to grow bigger.

we're currently in his condo while he helps me study for some of my quizzes but we stopped for a while to binge watch some shows and talk about some stuff and unfortunately, that event didn't slip past stell's memory.

"wala lang naman... i just wasn't prepared sa tanong niya. maybe kasi hindi ko pa alam kung anong balak ko after college." i said, however, he doesn't seem convinced.

stell paused. i guess he's thinking. he wants to say something but is contemplating whether he should say it or not.

"say it." i said in a monotone voice. he shook his head instead.

"'wag na, it's okay." he said and stood up, taking the empty bowl and glasses to the kitchen area.

i stood up, slightly getting annoyed now. "just say it." he didn't reply so i followed him. when he placed the dishes on the sink, i held his arm and pulled him to face me.

"why can't you just say whatever that is to my face?"

"wala nga, justin. bumalik ka na dun sa couch. pick another movie na papanoorin natin." he said, gently taking my hand away from his arm.

i stared at him in disbelief as he turned around and starting washing the dishes. i breathed deep through my nose, trying my best to calm my nerves down but nothing seems to work anyway.

"did you think ang oa masyado ng reaction ko? or you think i'm keeping something from you?"

"stop it, jah. go back to the couch." he said through a calm but authoritative voice.

"ayoko. why don't you face me instead and let's talk about this."

i saw how stell's shoulders dropped down, him sighing heavily. he turned off the faucet and wiped his hands with a cloth before facing me and leaning his back against the counter.

"gusto mong pag-usapan eh hindi mo nga masabi sa'kin kung bakit ganun yung reaksyon mo. i think you need to sort some things out first, justin."

i snorted. "really? I need to sort things out?" i said, emphasizing the 'I'.

"i already told you diba? wala nga lang 'yun. pero bakit naging ganyan bigla yung mood mo? what's wrong with you?"

"what's wrong with me, justin? seriously?" stell replied, pointing a finger towards himself.

"you clearly look like you're trying to hide something. ang gusto ko lang naman ay malaman kung ano 'yun. kasi hindi ko na maintindihan."

shit naman, what have i done?

i didn't answer. i bowed my head low and fidgeted on my fingers, not knowing what to say. i clearly urged him to talk about this but now i feel like i'm the one cornered.

moments later, stell spoke, breaking the unwanted silence enveloping us.

"are you leaving?"

what the fuck.

"justin, answer me. are you leaving?" he asked, calmer and slower this time.

i wish it was just like that.

"just answer me. hindi naman kita pipigilan kung aalis ka."

what????

"you won't?"

"no."

"goddamn it, stell. so you won't care kung aalis ako?"

"hey, it's not like that. i mean-"

"tangina naman, mas gusto ko pang pigilan mo 'ko kung aalis man ako. kasi sabi mo gusto mo 'ko, 'di ba? it means you want me by your side. FOR ALWAYS. and now you're telling me na hindi mo 'ko pipigilang umalis? hahayaan mo lang ako? ganun ba, stell?"

i don't even know where these words are coming from anymore. i just feel like i'm gonna burst at any moment.

"justin, you're not getting it. hindi sa-"

"no, stell, YOU'RE the one who's not getting the situation here."

"then help me to!" stell raised his voice, slightly making me flinch.

"ipaintindi mo kasi sa'kin, jah. hindi yung magkaiba yung mga sinasabi mo sa'kin sa mga ginagawa mo. i just want to completely trust you. hindi ba pwede 'yun?"

you shouldn't trust a liar like me, stell.

i lowered my head and blinked my eyes a couple of times, trying to prevent the tears that are about to fall from them. i can't take this anymore.

"i have to go." i said in almost a whisper and briskly walked to the living room to get my bag and made my way towards the front porch of his condo.

i stopped in my tracks, holding the doorknob tightly, waiting for stell to call me or hug me from behind.

but he didn't do anything. he just stayed by the sink, watching me leave.