Chasing Daylight

Chapter Forty-Seven

I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
-Taylor Swift

Maria

As I walked into the gym, I noticed a text from Annabelle and a text from my Uncle. I knew that both of them were texting to check up on me. I knew, in reality, it was because of what had happened and they wanted to make sure that I was in a good mental state. They didn't want to lose me as well. Subconsciously, however, I felt like maybe they were scared I was going to keep another secret from them.

I had hidden the true reason Kailey killed herself and I had to wonder if they would ever be able to forgive me for keeping that from them. I had to wonder how they both felt about the information I had presented to them. When I told them both, it was slightly clouded over by what Trent had done to me and I could see that they were careful about how they were reacting. When they were finally alone with their thoughts and emotions, were they upset and angry at her or me or both of us?

Would they have acted differently if they received Kailey's letter? Would they have told everyone right away? Would they have gotten Trent arrested earlier? Would they have gone after Trent on their own? Would they have run like me? Had I handled the situation wrong? Was I a coward for running?

How would Kailey have handled everything? That was the real question. What would she have done if the roles were reversed? What would I have wanted her to do?

As I ran around the track all these thoughts got tangled up in my mind and it was impossible to figure out what the right answer to anything truly was.

--

When I got back to the apartment the only person in the living room was Sophie. "Hey is anyone else here?" I asked setting down my keys and locking the door.

"Max took a phone call in his room," she answered. I could see her watching me closely and I could tell she knew something was off.

"What's wrong Maria?" She asked patting the couch cushion next to her. I took a seat and within seconds the tears started.

"Hey, it's alright," she said pulling me into her arms tightly.

"Do you think I did the right thing not telling anyone about the letter? Do you think it was wrong of me to run away?" I asked still holding her tightly. I felt like if I let go she might disappear and I needed her and her comforting words to talk me off of my own ledge. I needed her to be the sister that I never was.

"I think you did exactly what you needed to do in that moment. I don't think you ran away and I don't think your leaving was solely to do with the contents of that letter. Obviously, I'm sure that seeing that someone you trusted could be so evil, and being unable to say anything was a big factor, but I think it was more than that. I think you needed to get away from the people you have known your whole life and the state where a painful memory loomed around every corner. That place was where you lived with a whole family and where you had to watch them each slowly disappear from your life. I think you needed to start fresh with new people and new scenery. You lost so many important people in your life and you needed to find a place where you could fit in and belong without that old identity still looming over you."

As I soaked in her words, the truthfulness in them caused me to pull back. Despite the fact that I had only been here and known her for less than a year, she understood me on a level that most people didn't. She was speaking like she could see inside my head. I knew she was right. My sister's death and the destruction of my childhood friend group hadn't been my only motivation to leave Maine. I needed a place where I didn't see my family around every corner. I needed a place to create memories that were happy and untainted by the dark colors of grief and depression. I needed new faces who didn't know me as the girl who lost her whole world. I needed to step away from the people who had known me my whole life and step outside of the pool of grief I was drowning in, so I could truly figure out who I was without the shadows of the dead looming over me. For so long I was in a constant state of mourning and change that I had lost myself. Here in Washington, I was given the chance to talk to people without seeing pity and worry constantly flashing in their eyes. It had been hard with Max at first, but he pushed me to get out of my emotions and start to figure out who I was without people constantly coddling me. Before I met Mason, I truly believed that it was impossible for me to ever choose to love another person. I didn't think I would be willing to put myself through the heartache of loss again, but with Mason, the love that we shared made the anxiety and worry completely worth it. Even Sophie, despite our rough start, had shown me that because of my own experiences, I could provide support and comfort that went beyond just pity and sympathy. I could be more than the girl who lost her family and if I had never left Maine, I don't think I would have realized that.

"You're right," I said feeling the realization of these facts finally setting in. "I needed this. I needed a change. Thank you."

"Of course honey," Sophie said her eyes sympathetic and kind. "You know I'm always here to talk when you need it."

"I'm really glad we found each other," I sighed leaning into her arms again.

"I like to think maybe your sister brought you here to us," she said gently. "You two were close and I think she knew what you needed."

"Maybe you're right," I said thoughtfully. "I hope you're right."

"No matter what happened back in Maine and what has happened now, your sister will always love you, just like you have always loved her," Sophie said gently.

"Thank you. I really needed to hear that."

"That's exactly what I'm here for."

Now I knew exactly what our first stop needed to be when we got to Maine.