❝You're thinking too much, just love me.❞
❝I'm scared to love you,❞ I mumbled under my breath. ❝Attachment is frightening.❞
❝I'm scared too, but I'm willing. I don't know how it feels like to be unconditionally loved by someone. I think that's th...
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⚠️ TW// death ⚠️
Beomgyu~
"Did you hear? I heard Sohyun was taken off life support this morning." One girl told the others.
It's been a month since what happened. I've been walking on eggshells since that day, and the guilt has been eating me up alive.
I had an idea that she was going to be taken off life support. I usually come to the hospital after school to visit her, which luckily is the time when her mom isn't there. I heard from the doctors that my CPR and first-aid really helped, the only reason why she was resuscitated in time.
Her survival rate was already way too low, but I still hoped. Even though she was already having a hard time holding on, I still imagined her waking up.
Around a week ago, she was moved to another hospital in France. Unfortunately, I heard that she was only taken there so that her father could see her one last time... a while ago, I also overheard the doctors saying that they were indeed going to take her off life support on this day.
Sohyun has passed.
She took her own life because of me.
That thought hurts me so much. The things she went through before she made that decision, the pain she went through while watching herself die, and the loneliness she must have felt during her last seconds.
She's a wasted soul. She wasted her life on me, someone who took her for granted.
I can't stop but think about how different it would have been if only I came a bit earlier, or if I just talked to Sohyun after school. There's also the thought of what if I just never hurt her? What if I just stayed by her side the whole time? I have many regrets, but it's not like any of it would bring her back to life.
Sunshine, why did you do this to me? I lied to you again... I'm not a strong man.
"Stop looking at that." Leo patted my back as I cried at the cafeteria. I was scrolling past Sohyun and I's old photos, reminiscing about the past. Sometimes I blank out and begin trembling without even realizing.
After school, I came over Leo's house for support. If I stay alone at my place, I might begin having bad thoughts once again.
"I hate myself so much, you don't understand. It wasn't just a fuck up, Leo. I killed her. She's gone and there's nothing I can do about it." I ranted.
"We didn't know she was going to do that. You need to stop blaming yourself, because Sohyun committing wasn't a choice you could have made. It was her own choice, so don't beat yourself up."
"Everyone knows I was the reason why." I took a deep breath to keep myself from bawling once again.
"And you know she had many problems prior to that. The girl was suffering. It wasn't your fault, and at least she's resting in peace now."
"I won't ever see her again..." a tear fell onto my cheeks even though I tried so hard not to cry anymore. "She wanted to live with me after high school. Sohyun planned her future to include me in it, and when I left that probably crumbled apart. We were each other's will to survive."
"And you will survive. A lot of people are here for you, so just think as if Sohyun's living through you. Make this the best life for her." Leo smiled.
"It'll take a while, definitely... but I'll try my best to think that way." I assured him.
If Sohyun could ask me again where I see myself in ten years, I would have a way different response.
In ten years, I would like to still be with you.
___________________________
The never ending series of "what if" questions that can never be answered...
