The consequences of a collision ( Girlxgirl Teacherxstudent )

9

I didn't sleep all night. I'm way too nervous. Kate could be here any moment. I rry reading a book to distract me, but that doesn't really help either. I'm startled when the bell rings. I take one last look in the mirror and take a few more deep breaths, then open the door. "Hey come in." I don't think Katja is much better off than me. I'm glad to see her again. We sit in the kitchen and I don't really know what to say. “Get better again? And isn't Josh there?”. Kate asks. “Yes, fortunately, and I left him with the babysitter for a while. That makes talking a little easier.” Kate nods and then there is an awkward silence. “Sorry, I made everything more difficult”. Fortunately, Kate breaks the silence. Just not in the right way. If there's anyone who shouldn't apologize for this situation, it's her. “No don't say sorry. It's not your fault. I should never have let it get to this point. I should have kept you at distance from the start. We click. Okay maybe a little too good. I don't want to lose the friendship. Can you handle that? Just a friendship?”. Kate looks me in the eye. "I hope so. I don't want to lose you either. So I'll have to. I still have to get used to falling for a woman. And can you handle it?”. “Do you find it annoying that you fell for a woman?”. Kate shakes her head. "Just didn't see it coming." I look at her understandingly. “Okay, yes I understand. And can I handle it? I hope so. So far it's going well. Sometimes I have my weak moments, but it's still going well." When I see Kate's face, I doubt myself again whether I should have said it that way. “Weak moments?”. I give her a little smile. "Yeah, I better not answer that." When I say that, Kate starts to blush a bit. “Uhm okay, maybe better. Do we need a code word or something?”. I look at her questioningly. “What do you mean by code word?”. “Well if someone has a hard time when we are together. Then you can say that word. It is better to distance yourself withou\t further questions.” I give her a smile. “Sounds like a good plan actually. What did you have in mind. Cookies or something." Kate laughs. “Yes, I think it's actually a good one. It's going to be cookies."

The relief from this conversation is great and we are now just talking about anything and everything. It's nice to see how much Kate already feels at ease here, since she's the one making tea now and not me. We stand next to each other and I don't know how it happened, but hot water gets on my shirt. Kate responds quickly by grabbing my shirt at the bottom, so that it doesn't touch my skin. In a reflex I grab her hands and try to stay as calm as possible. “Please don't”. I don't want to react like last time. I don't want to do that to her again. Luckily she doesn't go any further. I keep telling myself to keep calm for her. With a lot of effort I manage to stay calm. "Sorry. I shouldn't have done that." I have closed my eyes all this time and now that I open them I look straight into Kate's. Which makes me completely relaxed. I'm so happy that she has this effect on me and that I can keep calm for her. “Is there something I'm not allowed to see?”. I give her a small nod. "What?". I shake my head. “Please Liesbeth. I won't go ask any more." I take a few deep breaths in and out. “Scars”. I’ve never told anyone that except my family. "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?”. I shake my head again. "Okay fine. If you ever want to talk about it, know that I'll listen to you. And now I think you better put on a clean shirt.” Maybe, just maybe she'll be the one I want to share my story with, I think to myself. “Thank you and yes that seems like a solid plan. Then watch a movie?" I'm glad I can get out of the situation for a while. I don't want to break for her and in my bedroom I can let the tears flow.

When I enter the living room I see Kate lying in my corner of the couch. I don't know if she did that on purpose or not. I’ll just sit at her foot end. “You can join me in the or do I have to make room. I know that you prefer to be in the corner.” Okay, now I’m sure she went there on purpose. I’d like nothing more, but i don't know if it's wise. So I just shake my head. "Come on, I don't bite." I hesitate for a moment, but can't refuse this and then get up again. "Now throw those legs aside." I lie down between her legs, with my back against her stomach. She immediately puts her arms around me. This feels so wonderful and safe. I don't see anything from the movie. Lie with my eyes closed enjoying the moment. "Raise your hands a little." I don't know where it comes from, but I want her to feel my stomach. Kate then lifts her hands. "What are you doing?". Kate asks when she notices that I lift my shirt. "Don't look okay". I put my hands on hers and slowly bring them to my stomach. She can feel my scars now. “Feel it. I can't show them to you, but you can feel them." I feel her hands gently run over my stomach. It's a huge relief that I let her do that and it keeps me so calm. The tears begin to flow and I feel her lips on the back of my head. "Doesn't it scare you?" "What?". I sigh. “What you feel there”. “No, why would that scare me?”. I shrug. "I do not know". “What I feel there doesn't make you any less beautiful or handsome. It makes you who you are. And I'm sorry but I still think you're a great person." I shake my head. "You are sweet. You know you're way too mature for your 17 years." Kate gives me a smile. “Only be sweet to those who deserve it. And I'm almost an adult now, but I've already been through a few things. Maybe that’s why.” I turn my head to look at Kate. "Your father?". "Yes also".

I sit the other way around on her lap so I can look at her better. Kate makes room so that I can lay my legs next to her. “Would you like to tell me what else?”. We've talked a lot, but we've always avoided the really personal stuff. Which I consciously did to be able to keep a little distance, but we are now past that phase. “My mother has been seriously ill. I had just started school here. Since my father was not there, I had to do a lot on my own. My mother was in the hospital a lot and when she was home I had to take care of her. I think I matured a bit faster because of that.” In the meantime I have taken hold of Kate's hands. “What did your mother have and was there no one to help you?”. Kate shakes her head. "No not really. Once a week a friend of my mother's came by. My mother had a braintumor. It looked bad for a long time, but luckily everything is going well now.” With my thumbs I carefully wipe away the tears that are now running down her cheeks. “Fortunately, things are going well now. I now understand where, among other things, that caring of you comes from. It is not nothing that you have already experienced at such a young age. Do you talk about it?”. She smiles a little. "I'm talking now." I put my arms around her neck. “Yeah okay. But further? Think you've experienced and seen things you should never see. Not quite at that age.” Kate shrugs. “I don't need it. I've never felt comfortable talking about it either." "Now it is?". She nods and then I startle when I feel her hands on my stomach under my shirt. "Shh I'm not looking". I'm relieved when she says that. "Thank you". She gives me another sweet smile. “You don't have to thank me for that. But while we're on the subject. Do you talk about it?”. It’s still hard when she starts talking about it. "Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." She must be able to see it on my face. “It is your right. Sometimes I talk to my sister about it, but I'd rather not talk about it." Kate points her head towards the fireplace. "Is that your sister?" I nod. “The others in the photo are your parents”. Again I nod in agreement. “Yes, I can see that. Where were those photos taken? That doesn't look like the Netherlands." “That's in Australia. My parents and sister live there.” “That's a long way off. What are you doing here then? Not that I mind." I can laugh at her comment. “I was born there. We came to the Netherlands when I was about three years old. My mother is from here, but ten years ago they went back.” “Why did you stay?”. “I was still at school here and had found my place here. So preferred to stay here. Lived in an dormrooms anyway. So we knew that I would be fine and if there was something I could go to friends of my parents”. Meanwhile Kate starts to move her hands again, which are still on my stomach. "You know that it tickles." She nods with a smile. “Do you want to see them?”. I don't know where that question comes from and looking at Kate's face, she didn't see this coming either. “Only if you want to show them. If you're in any doubt about that, I don't want to see them." It pleases me, the way she says it. "I don't know why, but want to show them to you." I then take off my shirt and Kate continues to look me in the eye. "Are you sure?". I nod and feel her slowly move her hands to one side. As soon as she sees my stomach, I see her tears. "See how I scare you." Shit I shouldn't have showed them to her and want to get up. Then I feel her hands on my back and she presses me tightly against her. "No you not scare me. Those tears are because I can't imagine how much that must have hurt. I wish I was there for you.” Now I can't hold back my tears. “You are here now”. I can barely manage to sob. I continue to cry on her shoulder for minutes. When I'm calm again, I sit up straight again. "Are you okay again?" I nod. “Would you like to tell me where they are from?”. Now I shake my head. "No sorry. I can't do that yet." "Okay". Kate wipes my tears away and we look deep into each other's eyes. "Cookies". We say almost at the same time. Which we can laugh about and I get up quickly. "Sorry". Kate shakes her head. “No Sorry. It went well anyway. I better go home. I still have to catch up on some sleep from last week and tomorrow the first hour I have this annoying person”. I give her a little push. "So that's what you really think of me." Kate looks at me. "I wish it was true". Then it's really time for her to go home.

When I'm alone I skype with my sister. I can see the surprise and relief in her when I tell that I showed my scars to Kate. She also knows that I have never dared to do that with anyone. That I will be reminded of my darkest day of my life. We're both crying now when we talk about it. It's nice to be able to discuss this with her. Even though she's so far away. We also talk about Kate for a while, because I really don't know what to do anymore. I only can talk to Hannah about it. In any case, she is convinced that I should not lose Kate. Which I totally agree with, but just need to figure out how to doing that. I make it harder and harder for myself. We talk for a while longer and then it is finally time to pick up Josh. I missed him very much and then I'm back to work tomorrow