A First Love to Die For

Chapter Thirty-Five- Hope

 (Lincoln's POV)

After Josie had left, I had hung around the station for a good while. I had non-serial killer work that continued to pile up and I used the monotonous tasks of scheduling and reading reports to distract myself from another rejection from Josie.

My level of fury at myself for all this heartache felt insurmountable.

Realistically, I knew that it was time for me to give up. I was obviously making her uncomfortable and all of this was on me. It was me that messed up.

She had been clear since she had first got here, that she wanted to focus on the job. That nothing was going to happen between the two of us. So, why couldn't I get it through my thick skull? I couldn't believe that after yesterday's rejection, I had invited her over for dinner.

It was getting a tad pathetic and I needed to check myself. I looked out my window, surprised that the sun had almost disappeared and looked at the clock. It was almost 8. With my pile a whole heck of a lot smaller, I packed up my stuff and headed home.

Walking into my quiet house eased some of the stress from my shoulders. I let the silence wash over me and I had just pulled out a beer when there was a knock at the door. I walked over to the door, surprised to see Josie through the glass.

My heart shot into my throat as let her in, I didn't want to misread anything. Instead, I stayed silent, unsure. She cleared her throat softy and asked, "I know it's late but is the offer for dinner still open?"

I blinked at her stupidly before answering. Maybe she was here for the case? "Of course. I just got home. Come in."

I stepped back and as she walked past me, and I caught that soft scent of vanilla, I reminded myself that I was giving up. I wasn't going to get my hopes up, there was going to be a non-romantic reason that she was here.

However, no matter what I told myself, I couldn't help but feel a little nervous. The house was empty because Declan had met up with some friends after I ditched him at dinner. I broke the awkward silence, asking if she wanted a glass of wine. She said a "yes please" and as I poured her wine, I observed her. Something was definitely up.

It was as she took a sip that I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know. "What changed your mind?"

She sighed and blushed. "I left the station and went over to talk to Hailey. After I left their place, I just couldn't wait. I needed to come and talk to you."

Her feet apparently seemed mighty interesting at the moment, and I wiped my sweaty palms on my shorts. This did not seem work-related at all. She continued on, "I needed you to know that I really am thinking about everything that you've shared. I want to see where something between us could lead but I've been holding back because it doesn't seem fair to either of us for me to test the waters."

I ignored the ping pong of hope bouncing around in my chest and tried to keep my voice steady as I replied. "I, for one think even the chance of trying would be worth it for me."

She took a deep breath and responded so softly that I almost didn't hear her. "I think for me too."

Holy shit.

The relief that pumped through my body was exhilarating and it took me a second to calm my racing heart. I wanted to whisper all the ways that I would love her. But instead, I looked at her until her eyes met mine and said, "If you do give me another chance, I promise you that I will never give you a reason to regret it."

She swallowed hard and explained, "That's not all. When Hailey and I were talking we kept coming back to the fact that we don't know if we can classify what you did as cheating. I don't know, there's really no way to prove it, but do you feel like you were actually a willing participant in any of it?"

It was my turn to look at my feet. My chest felt tight. "I don't know. When I asked Candy about it, she herself said I was wasted. All I know is none of it feels right. It doesn't seem like something that I would do. The fact that I haven't known all this time adds to the overwhelming sense of wrongness with all of it."

She nodded solemnly. "That's how I've been feeling too. The thing is there really is no way to know, so I need to just think about what I want... about what's going to make me happy."

I hadn't seen this coming. Any of it. Holy fucking moly. I could have sworn that I was relatively smooth with the ladies but right now, I was freaking out. I just needed to touch her, to know that this was real.

I grasped her hand and pulled her a little bit closer, shifting so that our chests brushed. Close enough that I could see the indigo specks in her eyes. Did I dare to kiss her? I cleared my throat at the thought, knowing that it needed to be her move and her choice. "I swear, I really want to make you happy."

I held her for another moment, my arms wrapping around her and my chin resting on top of her head, breathing in the delicious scent of her hair and trying to imprint every moment of this into my brain.

She shifted and I knew that I couldn't hold her all night, she would need time to process it all. I let go and busied myself grabbing a snack.

I pulled down a bag of dill pickle chips aware that they used to be Josie's favourite. I waved them in question and when her eyes lit up, I poured some into a bowl.

It was late enough that I knew we both needed something to take the edge off our hunger and now that she was here, I planned on making something impressive, so dinner was going to be a minute.

I couldn't help but notice as I set the bowl down on the island that her gaze seemed to be glued to me. It was reassuring because it made me feel like we were both struggling with this insane attraction. I was giddy with the realization that it was all mutual. That it had been all along. We were getting a second chance and I wasn't going to waste a moment of it.

I reached out and touched her arm gently. "Do you still like shrimp?" She took a big sip and nodded, with wide eyes. I smiled, knowing exactly what I was going to make. "You know that pasta dish you love, that my mom makes?"

Josie looked at me silently again. I poured the shrimp into a bowl to defrost it and looked at her as she took another big sip of wine. I waited and finally said, "Penny for your thoughts?"

She laughed and shrugged, "I just find it hard to believe that you remember all these things about me. The way I take my coffee, my favourite chips, my favourite pasta, the picnic..."

I was stunned speechless for a second, and then I walked around the kitchen island and took her wine out of her hand, setting it down and pulling her into me. For the second time since she had come home, she didn't pull away and I was able to yet again, savour the feel of her in my arms.

I could get used to this.

I looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and said, "I don't think I've forgotten anything about you. It's always been you, Josie. I'm so sorry that I ever made you feel that wasn't the case."

A tear ran down her cheek, breaking my heart a little and I gently wiped it. I leaned down and gently kissed the spot that I had just wiped, lingering for only a moment. Just long enough for her to tilt her head and raise her own lips, lightly brushing mine.

It was the briefest of caresses, soft and sweet. I told myself to go slow, to let her set the pace. Content with letting our lips remember each other. I allowed myself one more soft graze and then pulled back. Now that we were here, I didn't want to do anything to mess it up.

I leaned my forehead against hers and felt her content sigh relax my entire body. My arms tightened around her and gave a squeeze, as I kissed her forehead. Then before I could linger any longer, I backed up. Handing her back her wine and moving back to the ingredients for our dinner.