A First Love to Die For

Chapter Twenty-Eight- Under His Surface

(Josie's POV)

No matter how many times I swallowed, the emotion clogging my throat felt thick and heavy. I had to remind myself that the house, the ring... all of it was surface. Was it nice to know that he had been more invested than I had ever known?

Honestly, not really. Instead, I was just more depressed. What a senseless waste of our love. I didn't know how to express that though.

I need you to know, if you ever gave me a second chance, I would make it my life's mission to never disappoint you again.

Holy shit. I wanted to rub at the ache in my chest, I knew that what I was going to say was going to hurt both of us. "I don't know Lincoln. It was a long time ago and I want to move on from it all. I don't know if I can move on from it with you. I appreciate your openness about all of this, but I just don't know if I would ever be able to trust you again. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. You messed me up good."

I silently willed myself not to cry. The last thing that I wanted was for me to be a weeping mess during this conversation. So instead, I looked out at the water, trying to gather my emotions.

Agreeing to spend time with him was a mistake. It just served to confuse me even more. This was the Lincoln that I had fallen in love with, the open, honest, loving and romantic man that had seemed devoted to me.

The Lincoln that had cheated with Candy was always a man that I didn't know existed but regardless of what he said, now I knew that he was there under his surface and I would always wonder when that Lincoln would come out again.

He nodded at my words, quietly responding, "I figured, I just couldn't continue to spend time with you and not share it all."

He reached into the cooler and asked, "I brought some food, want something?"

I didn't want to eat at all. I wanted to go home and crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry myself to sleep. That didn't seem like an option right now, so instead, I took the plate he handed me.

I had to look away again, and gather my emotions. I was a mess. He had either remembered all of my favourites or guessed at a dream menu really well. I sat there stunned as he pulled out bacon-wrapped, stuffed jalapenos, chicken salad sandwiches on sourdough bread and some veggies with dill dip. "Please tell me that's mama Sawyer's dill dip."

He laughed and nodded. "She keeps Declan and I stocked all the time, he's going to be pissed when he notices that it's missing."

I dipped a piece of celery in and took a bite, mumbling a "worth it" as I enjoyed.

It was obvious as we ate that he didn't want to linger on the past, Instead, he hopped topics by asking, "I've been wondering how you ended up working with Charlie on his task force."

"How do you choose this? Who chooses to hunt for Serial Killers?" He grinned at me, obviously insinuating that I was a tad crazy.

I laughed, "I kind of fell into the undercover thing. I was chosen and pulled right from the Police Academy. They wanted an attractive woman to infiltrate a ring of dirty cops. At first, I thought it was the worst call. Who places someone into an assignment like that because of their appearance?"

He interrupted me, "I'm sure that they had also flagged your skill." I met his eyes and tilted my head in acknowledgement. He wasn't wrong but it always felt easier to make it seem more like random dumb luck.

I continued on "maybe, but it turns out my looks also helped. It was the perfect call. This division of cops was brutal, they were a bunch of chauvinists and never expected me to be anything more than a pretty face."

I shook my head in disgust thinking about it. "They never tried to hide anything because they didn't think I was capable of any kind of police work. Once we took them down, it became tougher, I had made a name for myself. It was rough at times because not everyone respects the fact that I had been hunting for dirty cops."

Lincoln shook his head and replied, "I've never understood that. There are people misusing power in all different occupations. Why is it wrong to try to weed that out? Why is it okay for them to keep on keeping because they have a badge? If you are doing something wrong, and I mean really wrong, you deserve to own it."

I hadn't intended to say anything else, but it was so refreshing to be talking to someone who understood. "You know it's nice being able to talk about it. We have to keep our work lives so quiet that it can be really hard and lonely."

It was true, there were a lot of moments that my job sucked. "To answer your question: I know it sounds crazy, it's dangerous and is incredibly tough on all of our lives but we're really good at this and we're making the world a better place, in our own way. I needed a break from hunting the bad "good guys" and Charles offered me a chance to keep making a difference."

He nodded, "I think you already know, that's how I felt about becoming a police officer. I just wanted to make my corner of the world a better place. But I know now how hard my job can be and because it's Fenelon, I'm very rarely engaging with monsters. I can just imagine what you've been through and what you've seen. So, if you ever need to share or talk or just need anything, I'm here."

I took a sip of my beer and worked at taming my heart flutters. I wasn't sure what it was about him, but he impacted me so easily. I was trying hard to keep a distance but with every moment that we were spending together, I was worried. The walls I had built around myself were crumbling down and I didn't know what to do about it.

I was quickly realizing that I had loved teenage Lincoln but this man in front of me had the potential to completely own my heart.

Oblivious to my case of the heart melts, he sat quietly, just enjoying the moment. I was halfway through my sandwich when the ringing of his phone startled me. He looked at the screen and immediately answered, "Hey Sam."

He listened for a moment, "Same kind of voice? Interesting. Yeah, Josie and I will come in and we'll move from there. See you soon."

I had started packing up as soon as he said we would come in and as he started helping me tidy up, he explained. "We got another tip, sounds like an elderly female voice but again anonymous. States that she saw Harold leaving Chantelle's house the other night. Saw everything on the news and phoned it in. Sam wants us to come in and listen to it."

We gathered all of our things in the boat and hopped in. I looked back at the house as we took off across the water feeling completely flabbergasted. Rather than feeling relief that whatever this was had been interrupted. I was disappointed.

I focused on the wind brushing my face and tried not to overanalyze the feelings that were tearing me apart. It was time to get back to work.