A First Love to Die For

Chapter Twenty-Four- Bitter Pill

(Lincoln's POV)

I drove to work this morning, wanting to avoid the hell that was yesterday.

As I drove my thoughts centered on the beautiful blonde that I had just left behind. Having her in my arms again felt so perfect, and I had struggled to let go.

I had been thinking more and more about the fact that I was responsible for my own loneliness. How could I have slept with Candy? What kind of a man did that make me? I had always prided myself on my integrity, and finding out that I was a cheater was a bitter pill to swallow.

Josie had been my everything and I threw it all away for an encounter so meaningless that I didn't even remember it.

It was asinine.

I wanted to rewind time and never go to that party. She could have found me in my bed by myself and we would be happily married right now.

I didn't know if there was a way to make it right but the more, I thought about it the more that I needed her to know the extent of my feelings. She had thought that I didn't love her. Her memory shadowing everything that I had done or said since.

An idea popped into my head. What if there was a way to at least show her how much she had mattered to me? I doubted that she would ever forgive me... I knew I would never forgive myself but maybe showing her the extent that I had been invested would ease this pressure riding on top of my chest. The engagement ring wasn't the only thing that I had bought in anticipation of our future together.

I had used my inheritance from my grandparents, to buy a home for us to remodel together. When she had broken up with me it had sat empty for awhile before Gabriel and I had renovated it together and now I used it as a rental. With the idea twirling, I thought about the best way to ask Josie to join me for an afternoon.

The distance that she was keeping between us was evident and I didn't want to overstep or make her uncomfortable, but I also needed her to see the level of importance she truly had for me. It all felt so surreal. Sleeping with Candy had destroyed years of love. For fucking what?

I parked and considered yet again how disturbing it was that I had no recollection of that night. I needed to reach out to talk about it with the other guilty culprit, but I felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed by my choices that I had been putting it off.

I looked at my phone. May as well get it over with. I went through my contacts and clicked on her name.

The delight in her tone as she answered, didn't surprise me. She had been very open about the fact that she would be willing to reconnect at any time. I had always worked hard to not let that happen. She might not always be the nicest person but after my own heartache I had always tried been sensitive to the fact that no one deserved to have their heart trampled on.

Or I thought I had. Fuck.

"Good morning, Lincoln!"

I dove right in. "Morning. Listen, I heard something yesterday that I wanted to ask you about. Do you remember that Canada Day, right after we all finished University?"

She gave a humourless laugh, "I do. Yes."

I cleared my throat. "Josie said she walked in on you and me that night?"

"She did. I've always felt horrible about it and honestly, I figured you didn't want to talk about it because I knew you guys broke up after. You never brought it up or made a move again, but it was one of the best nights of my life."

The disappointment and bitterness dripped off her words and I felt the weight of her feelings along with my own guilt crash into me.

I honestly couldn't believe that I had cheated. I needed to know more, "Look, I know this is crazy, but I have absolutely no memory of that night. How exactly did it happen?"

I could hear her sigh through the line, "You came up to me at the party and couldn't keep your hands off me. I asked you about Josie, but you said it didn't matter and kept putting on the moves. I thought it was weird because you had turned me down for years after you guys got together but you were persistent, and I eventually gave in. I knew you were wasted but you were sober enough to rock my world. I had no idea that you didn't remember the night."

I swallowed the bile that rose at her words. "Okay look, I've got to go. Thanks for talking to me about it. " I hung up and rested my head against the wheel of my truck. It would have been better if somehow this had been a big misunderstanding.

Now, I was left feeling violated and more lost than ever. I would never have slept with someone who had turned me down sober... multiple times.

I knew you were wasted but you were sober enough to rock my world.

It was so disturbing. How could she have done this? How could I have done this?

I sat there infuriated with myself, knowing that the loneliness I had been plagued with for years was not only my own fucking fault. It was also utterly and completed deserved.