We Deserved Better ⤿ Stucky x Reader

four ⤿ trauma

Joining the war as a nurse was something you regret, and you didn't even have the option to join. It was horrifying the things you saw and injures you had to help fix. You felt as if you had no knowledge in nursing; which was true. You felt like a child being throw in a pool, a child who knew not how to swim and was told to learn or sink. You had to watch things to learn, was given books and some of the older of the nurses helped you a bit. But it really was sink or swim.

As the war progressed and got worse the time to write started to slim to none.

You sent the two as many letters as you could, you had gotten five from Bucky, but only two from Steve. You could tell Steve's words were rushed in his letter, he wrote how much he loved you and missed you and James, then stated he had something big coming up soon and his letters make be scarce but he would still write as much as he could. It was odd to you, what came up so sudden? He didn't disclose anything in the letters about what was happening.

After the last letters you received from the boys you sat and waited for more, not knowing that those would be the last. As the days went on with hearing nothing the anxiety grew stronger. Why did they stop? Was Bucky KIA? Did Steve stop because he stopped loving you? Was Bucky bored of you? Did Steve get sick and die? Your mind raced with intrusive thoughts that you wouldn't get answers to. You sat and watched as everyone around you got letters, watched as they had something to hold onto to keep them going through these hard times.

All you had was Steve and Bucky. Sure you had a few friends but nothing ever stuck, you had no family. You were born out of wedlock and then placed in the care of your grandmother as soon as you were born and then she passed a few months before you turned 18. So the letters from the two were all you had, but they stopped. You felt like you had nothing to live for at this point. You were surrounded by sorrow and bloodshed, no matter how much laughter you would hear from the nurses or soldiers, there was still a thick, heavy air of war ever so present. The constant fear of something bad happening at any moment.

It was strange how out of place you felt around the other nurses. You were all here for the same reason, some willing and some not, but you felt as if you didn't fit in with them. They often talked about who was cute and who wasn't, it was like they were teenagers gossiping at lunch and not helping in world war ii. In your free time you managed to occupy yourself with reading, collecting more medical books and borrowing others.

You really kept to yourself, not getting close with any other nurses. They often found you weird, why weren't you talking and sitting with them? Why did you sit alone and just look sad?

It was as if the trauma of this all never hit them and they didn't have this weight of their shoulders, they felt sad at times but they would soon get over it. Each time a soldier died as you tried to save them you felt as if it were your fault, you should've tried harder- maybe you should've had more training, maybe they shouldn't have called you in. You tried to remember the names, but the names kept piling and piling that you couldn't keep up with them all.

The newest talk around was of a Captain America, you didn't know much about this person, and didn't care to learn. How could you care? You couldn't fathom the thought of this person parading about and putting on shows during these hard and traumatic times. People were dying and this person was dressed up and touring around to promote this all. You didn't know their names, didn't know the gender either. From how things are you assumed it was a male after learning about the pretty back up dancers who toured with said 'Captain America.'

The girls talked about it a lot but you learned to tune them out and focus on you, you noted how much your anxiety worsened during this all, you had it before this all but it seemed to get worse as time went on and as you saw things no one should have to see.