"Can I ask you something?" Taehyung stared up as he continued to eat his food. Jin's mother had taken a seat in front of him, grabbing some food for her own. They had sat there for almost five minutes and hadn't spoke a word. Taehyung felt comfortable at least, and so did Jin's mother.
"Sure" gulping down the last bites of the food, he stared up at her as she stared at him. She played with her food as no piece of it went into her mouth. It just sat there.
"Do you like chocolate?" He frowned. Was that the question? He meant, he did love chocolate, but he expected something more than just that.
He nodded, not saying a word as he didn't know what to say next. She hummed, taking her small bag from the side and taking out two chocolates from it. Taehyung generally thought she just had some chocolates and wanted to share them, in which she did.
"Jin liked the dark ones, I always had the milk ones" she smiled, making Taehyung remember how Jin got mad when he got the wrong ones. He laughed a bit at how Jin didn't speak to him until he got the right ones.
"He got mad at me once for getting milk ones, I never grabbed them again" Taehyung took the wrapper off of the chocolate and placed it into his mouth. He devoured it in seconds as his mouth was delighted in joy.
As he stared at the second one, he placed it in front of Jin's mother's plate, smiling at her as she smiled back. She grabbed the piece of chocolate, unwrapping and placing the small piece into her mouth as well.
"Do you want to go out?" Jin's mother asked, making Taehyung feel a sort of heaviness in his heart. He would love to spend time with her, she was a kind-hearted person and he wouldn't want to deny her offer, but now, he was in too much.
"You don't have to, I just like getting my thoughts away from my mind with shopping. You do what's best for you.." she smiled, now holding onto Tae's hand as he smiled back. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Taehyung broke the eye contact.
"Right..I should get going. It was nice talking with you..hope you speak again with you" she smiled as she took her hands away from Taehyung's, who stood up and led her to the door. As they bid their final goodbyes, Taehyung sighed while closing the door.
The dreadfulness came too quickly for him. It must have been the distraction that made him feel good. He placed his hands onto his chest, feeling too suffocated for his own good. He closed his eyes as he felt tears threatening him to come out, not wanting any of that.
'It's okay..let it out..' he remembered the sentence he told Jin's mother. He remembered how her tears fell from her eyes and onto his cheeks, as all he could do was hug her. But who was there to hug him? No one.
"Ah.." he sat back on the couch, holding onto his shoulders as he tried his best to hug himself. His tears began to fall by themselves, choking on them as he let out an awful cry. The memories, the smiles, the laughs, it hurt him to remember. Those happy moments, seemed to hurt him more than any other moments.
"Why now.." he softly said, rubbing his chest as his heart beat hurtfully, giving him a thump..
Break..
Thump..
Break..
"Why me.."
...
He woke up on the couch. His cries made him drowsy, making him fall asleep without him knowing. He sat up, rubbing his eyes as he rubbed his shoulders after. He felt a sort of coldness, thinking he had left a window open. Getting up, he looked at his phone, checking the time to show he slept for three hours, it just being past one in the afternoon.
He sighed. He was glad he didn't have work as he wasn't feeling the energy to do anything at all. The tiredness from crying made him want to sleep more, but couldn't bring himself to take another nap. He stood up, walking to his bedroom as his feet seemed to take him there. Opening the door, his memories dashed into his mind, imagining Jin as he smiled.
He cried with a smile, seeing Jin sit on the bed with a big smile. He slowly walked to him, feeling the urge to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him he loved him, but as he did so, his image flew away, making him panic as he tried to hold him, but feeling nothing but air. He cried as he held onto the blanket, bursting out in tears as he knew what had happened, was fake.
"Come back..please!!.." he yelled, crying onto the blanket as his heart continue to hurt him badly. He couldn't breathe the many times he tried, feeling a sort of emptiness in his heart.
"Why you leave huh?..didn't you say you would stay?!..you fucking left me!!..you left.." he closed his eyes as he fell to the ground, still holding onto the blanket as he stayed there. He didn't feel like getting up, he just wanted to sit there and do nothing. No energy came into his body, making his knees hurt but he seemed to not care at all.
Sniffing with the blanket being soaked from his tears, he came to a moment of calmness. His eyes were puffy, making him want to rub them but stopped. As he was standing up, his knees began to hurt as he knew he was kneeling down for too long. Making a struggle, he was able to sit on the bed as he sighed.
"I wonder if you can hear me.." he said as he stared at the ground. He felt a lump on his throat, but managed to swallow it down.
"Though it was just yesterday, is it okay to still cry?..I said I wasn't going to cry..look where I am now..ha.." he finally rubbed his eyes, sighing as he took the blanket and held onto it tightly. He smiled as he remembered how much he loved to hug Jin in the blankets, how they would just talk and talk for hours and somehow not get bored.
"I..I don't know what to feel..I feel too much, but want to feel too little..I'm confused Jin..it happened so fast, that..that truck hit.." he stopped midway. He seemed to not like that part of the memory, he always wanted to shake it away from his head, but it always seemed to come back to him.
It happened in front of his eyes, the hit, the blood, just everything, happened too fast for his understanding. He knew the truck driver never meant to hit Jin, but he couldn't understand why he didn't see it coming. Maybe it was his fault, for making Jin run to him, maybe if he didn't tell him anything, he would have been right next to him, at the very moment. He blamed himself for everything, he wanted to believe it was his fault and that everything fell onto him.
"I'm wrong aren't I?..you always said it was bad for me to blame myself but..I just can't bring myself..to stop blaming it all on me.." his thoughts made him believe it was his fault. There was many other days he could have proposed, there was many other places he could have proposed yet everything fell on that exact date, and place.
He sighed. His tears had ran out, but knowing himself, they would come back. Still sitting on his bed, he stared at the wall, staring at nothing but the plain white wall. He never thought, that being alone, was going to be hard for him. It was hard, for him to move on. He loved Jin dearly, he was the first person whom he loved so much, he couldn't get him out of his head.
He felt as if he had nobody else, he felt too alone. He didn't like the feeling, of crawling into bed alone, of waking up alone and going to sleep alone, he never thought of being alone in any of his days till now. Was this really it? Did he lose all he had?
He felt so lost..
