Difficult Journey (A Big Girl Love Story)

Chapter 28 The Pain

Luke spent the night at my house, making sure that I was ok. I wasn't; I was continuously crying and Luke was just there to wipe away the tears. I didn't like this; I didn't want him seeing me like this. It was horrible, I was a big slobbery mess and he was just there accepting it. I stopped crying for the time being from thinking so deeply.
"Babe, what are you thinking so hard about?" I don't understand how Luke had this like extra sense to read my mind and such but he did. It actually scared me a little.
"I am thinking that I look like shit and it's a mystery why you aren't running away screaming for your life." I said harshly. Luke looked down at my face; creating a double chin as he looked down. I loved it when that happened because I knew it happened to me too.
"Crying, slobbering, throwing up, dressed in sweats, messy hair, dressed nicely; Babe, you are beautiful no matter what you do." He paused. "Here place your hand on my heart, I'll prove it to you." He grabbed my hand and put it to his chest, placing his hand over mine. It was racing; my heart does that around him too. I start laughing happily; happy that I do that to him.
"You still never fail to amaze me, you know that?" I said as I looked into his eyes.
"I feel the same way about you. Do you know how much crying I thought you were going to do this week compared to how much you actually did?" I shook my head. "Well, I thought it was going to be at least 5 boxes of Kleenexes. You are so strong it actually worries me."
"I don't like having emotions in front of people. It shows weakness." I admitted honestly.
"It's okay to be weak in front of me, I want to be there to protect you; I'm here to hold you when you are broken." He held me a little tighter as he said it. I wiggled out of his grip and got up; my back facing him. "What's wrong?" confusion rushed across his face. I absent mindly rubbed my right hand on my left arm, feeling nervous.
"I hate feeling like in making you give up your time, like I'm forcing you to watch over me. I mean, I love spending time with you, I love you. I just don't want you to feel like you're obligated to take care of me, because I can take care of myself most of the time." Luke stood up to stand behind me.
"I can't stop myself from protecting you. The day that you became my girlfriend is the day that I decided I will be by your side to hold you up when you feel like falling and never getting up. Babe, you're not forcing me into anything, I want to." His face filled with worry and confusion.
"I needed to be strong all my life. I had to grow up when I was seven. I started packing my dads lunches and making breakfast when I was seven. I feel like once I get close to someone they always find a way to leave. I feel that if I start depending on you to put me back together again you are gonna to want to leave." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I closed my eyes relieved to finally say that to someone.
Luke's eyes went soft as he looked at me, pity swarmed in his eyes. He stepped forward and hugged me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. I lifted my arms to rest on top of his as he sways us back and forth. Luke begins to hum in my ear, knowing somehow it relaxes me.
"I'm not going anywhere, if you'll keep me here."
We cuddled all night long, just enjoying each others presences.

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I knew I wanted to do something special for Paige. Some people couldn't make it to her funeral and other people needed some closure. I decided I should plan something; try making a difference. I wanted to do a candle light walk. I started planning, and the only date that worked would be on Tuesday, two weeks after the crash.
I wanted to do the candle light walk around something she loved; she always walked around town and landed at Cedar Park. That's what we did, we started at the high school and walked around the back way to Cedar Park. We all held candles as we walked, talking about times about Paige. I didn't think so many people would show up but there was probably 30 -40 people there.
As we walked I couldn't help but look at the sky, thinking she was looking down at me, that she was smiling. At the end of the walk we stopped at Cedar Park then we all had little pieces of paper with little memories or good things we wanted to remember about Paige written on them and we little them on fire in a little tin bin I brought along.
We walked back at first it was all silent then people began talking again. Some of Paige's family members that came, came up to me. Her cousin and her husband began talking to me. "Thank you. Thank you for having this and thinking this up. I'm glad to see she had friends like you."
"Absolutely, Paige was an amazing person, she deserves the walk. I just hope she saw."
"I'm sure she did."
"Thanks for coming." I said as they walked away.
Luke came to pick me up not to later; I told him he didn't have to come tonight because he didn't know her very well and that I'd be fine. He picked me up and took me to a movie that was outdoors because it hadn't snowed yet. He got blankets and a radio and we snuggled up in the back of his truck with candy and soft pretzels. He knew that I loved soft pretzels.
After we went back to my house, he dropped me off and went back home, it was getting pretty late for two sophomores to be out on a school night.
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"Hey Sapphire!" I said as I walked down the school hallway the next morning.
"Hey." She walked over and I could see the annoyance in her face.
"Okay, what's up?" I asked hinting at something was wrong.
"We don't hang out anymore. I thought we were friends? It seems like lately its nothing but Luke, Luke, and Luke. Seriously, I'm your best friend." She raised her arms and let them slap back down in anger.
"Sorry, I didn't even real-"
"Of course you didn't, you're in love but you sit there worrying about being "That girlfriend" when he is "that boyfriend"." She said exasperated.
"Sorry, I'll talk to him but I don't think it's him that's the problem, it's me." I said biting my lip. I mean I love my friends but he is the one that makes me feel better about myself. I thought as I went through my locker.
"May. May!" Sapphire shook her hand in front of my face as I zoned back in to what was happening.
"Hmm?" I grumbled.
"I said, I think he is the problem. I think that he needs to back off a little bit." Sapphire spoke as I could hear the anger in her voice.
"You don't like Luke do you?" I questioned as I turned to face her.
"No. No I don't."
"Okay, I'll talk with him."
"Are you hanging out with him again tonight!?" She asked a little shocked.
"Yes, okay? Why does it matter you usually go shopping with your family every other Wednesday? Let me hang out with my boyfriend and find time for you, okay? Okay." I said as I slammed my locker and made my way to my first hour, Advanced Algebra.
I was pissed off like, she should be happier for me because I found a boy who likes me for me but she isn't happy. I plopped down in my desk a little angrier than I probably should have been. I mean I know she has been on team Nathan for a while but I'm happy isn't that good enough? I flipped open my folder in between thoughts. I felt my phone go off.
Nathan: Ok what's wrong? I'm feeling moody and I barely talked to anyone today.
Nathan and I had this connection thing and sometimes he will feel exactly what I'm feeling.
Me: I'm pissed off.
Nathan: What happened?
Me: Sapphire bashed on my boyfriend and said that we were hanging out too much and she and I haven't spent much time together. I understand but it's my fault not Luke's.
Nathan: Maybe you and Luke need a little bit of space.
Me: Right now it's kind of a rough time and I need him.
Nathan: So what you're going to suck face until he makes you feel better.
Me: Ya fuck off.
Nathan: Sorry.
Me: K
Bash on Luke and May Day anyone else? I asked in my head, this is bullshit. Then someone sat next to me. Mackenzie; known for trying to steal boyfriends.
"Hey may!"
"Hi." I said a little crabbier than she probably deserved.
"So who was that guy you were hugging in the parking lot?" is she serious?
"My boyfriend." I said.
"Oh, is he your first one? I have never seen you with a boy." Bitch.
"Yeah he is, but I'm really glad I waited. He's super sweet and respects me. Do you have one for this week yet?" I said snippy.
"No, I was hoping to talk to the cute boy who was hugging you in the parking lot." Let's toy with her ya? I thought as I shifted in my seat.
"Let me text him quick and see what he says." I pulled my phone and opened a new text.
Me: Hey Baby, there is a really pretty skinny girl who is super interested in you, what do you think?
Luke: I bet she's a slut. May, your more beautiful than anyone in that school, or mine for that matter.
Me: Thanks baby I'll let her know. Love you.
Luke: Love you too. BTW We are talking about this later.
I laughed. Yeah I knew that was going to happen. I turned to Mackenzie. "Here ya go this is what he said." I showed her my phone. Mackenzie's face turned red then she scoffed and walked off. Yup. I love that boy.
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After school I rushed out the doors not wanting to stay in this place for a minute longer. I looked for Luke's truck in the parking lot and there was Mackenzie hanging on him like she owned him. Ugh. I knew Luke looked rather uncomfortable but it pissed me off, like why? Luke spotted me and his eyes lit up like he knew this looked wrong but he wasn't doing anything wrong. I nodded.
"Hey Mackenzie, be a dear and go find some real clothes would you?" I said as Luke stifled back a laugh. Mackenzie looked dumb founded. "Come on Babe." I said as I got in the truck.
"You're amazing." Luke said as he got in the truck. He leaned over to give me a kiss but I turned in a way that he would kiss my cheek. "Oh, come on, she was over me. I didn't like her like that; please don't give me the cold shoulder." Luke pleaded. I nodded and turned to him.
"I know, I just had a really rough day." I said thinking back to how I fought with Sapphire and Nathan all in one day, yay me. Luke put up the middle section of this seat and crawled over to me and brought his face closer to mine. He glanced out the front window and noticed Mackenzie still watching.
"I could help." He said in a lower octave that usual. "Let's put on a little show for slut bag over there." He said knowing he liked it when I he called pretty skinny girls sluts. I found it assuring. He brought his lips to mine and I leaned my head against the passenger side's window. He trailed down my neck and I looked out the front window to see a dumb founded Mackenzie. I swear I saw her jaw drop to the floor. I laughed as she stalked off. "See there's that beautiful smile I know and love."
"I love you." I said as I pecked him on the lips.
"I love you too." He said as he sat back up in normal position and buckled up. I did the same and he drove off.
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Luke dropped me off at home after he took me out to eat. It was one of my favorite restaurants and I had a combo basket that consisted of chicken strips, cheese curds, and French fries. Luke got a huge cheeseburger that he let me have a bite of. After we shared a piece of pie (cliché I know). The whole time we were eating I couldn't help but keep thinking about what Sapphire said, was she right? Do we spend way too much time together? I mean I literally think about him every minute that we aren't by each other and even then I'm still thinking about him. Am I obsessed? Is that going to drive him away?
"What?" Luke asked from across the table. I looked over at him confused did I say something out loud. "Do you think you're obsessed with me?" He asked a little worried but still had a smirk on his face.
"Well, Sapphire brought something to my attention this morning and I'm not sure what to think of it. I mean I love spending time with you but maybe we spend too much time together. She is upset because she and I don't hang out as much as we used to when me and you weren't together. She doesn't really favor you."
"Why doesn't she like me?" He asked rather confused.
"Well you take her best friend away from her, in her eyes I mean. Also she may be jealous that I found someone to be with and she didn't yet. And just maybe she roots for team Nathan...a little." Luke nods at what I just said. I love how he is so accepting but sometimes it bothers me how he never really gets annoyed with me, like he puts me on a higher pedestal than I should be on.
"You said she likes Taylor Caniff right?" He asked out of nowhere. I was really, really confused.
"Yeah... Why?" I asked confusion still burrowing within me.
"I know how to make her on team Luke." He said as excitement washed over his eyes.
"How's that?" I asked.
"You'll see." and that's where we ended that conversation. It was still on my mind though. What was he planning? What did Taylor have to do with any of this? I was confused. Hopefully Sapphire will like this one.

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I got home after Luke and I finished eating and he dropped me off. I walked into the house and I just heard screaming. "Dick! Turn off the damn TV! I told you it's time to take a shower!" It must be shower night and Dick of course won't listen because that would make sense. (Dick is her 11 year old step brother). Dick has ADHD and he has a horrible case of headinass syndrome. It is very common especially upon people who have a penis.
I see Dick stomp over to the kitchen to pretend like he is hungry, this is what he does when he is stalling to do what anyone tells him what to do because his mother lets him get away with anything. "Dick! Get in the shower!" Shelly yells while she is standing behind him. I was still standing in the door way saying nothing just standing there.
"What are you looking at fat ass!?" Dick said to me. Of course his mother just ignored it, because hey it's true. My step mom thinks so my dad thought so and so does my step siblings, something you need to get used to but I can't. I hate getting bullied in my own home. I walk down stairs and close the door behind me. Feeling a wave of sadness and anger hit me like a brick wall.
May you're fat, you're never going to be good enough, and people don't want to stay in your life. The voices in my head repeatedly say. I go in my room and sit down on my bed letting the sadness eat me alive as I stare into the mirror across from my bed. May, your face is so fat, ewe are those pimples, look at those floppy arms. Its amazing how one name can trigger your whole mind to go to hell?
I sit on my bed as these thoughts buzz around and it just gets worse. They convince me, I think about the pain that's inside me right now. I reach over to my nightstand drawer and pull out my razor and rag from when I used to cut. I stare at the razor, inspecting the dirty blade. This used to be my out, this used to be what I did. I give in the pain that's taking over my mind.
One cut
Two cut
Three cut
Four cut
I just keep going, wishing the cuts would bleed more, wishing the blade wasn't so dull.
Five cut
Six cut
Seven cut
Eight cut
Nine cut
Ten cut
I pause. I watch the blood drip and just as I'm about to put the razor back down I go at it one more time thinking about the pain my mom caused me and how my dad would give me the fat talk once a week. He told me I wouldn't be able to fit into the rides a great America.
Eleventh cut
Twelfth cut
The cuts weren't deep enough, the blade was dull. I threw the razor in anger because it didn't damage me enough. It didn't let me see enough blood. I sat on my bed as I watched the blood drip. Drip by drip it fell on the rag. I watched as a tear of sadness and anger slipped out of my eyes. I didn't know what I was going to tell Luke if he saw. I didn't know how I was going to hide this at work." I dabbed off the blood and waited for the cuts to stop bleeding. Soon enough they did and I shut off my lamp and went to bed, not knowing what the future held.
A/N
IM sorry if that was a little intense for you in the end. I wanted to put some more emotion into it and hopefully later in the week I will be able to go over it and add more detail to previous parts I was rushing to finish this today because I figured that I could get it out today before I went to work.
I hope you like it. What are your thoughts on May cutting? Its a world known problem. I would love to hear your thoughts down in the comment section. Love ya
Jas