Harry’s P.O.V
Liam pulled me into a hug when Louis told us that Eleanor was coming to join us in The US- he knew how much it would hurt me and the big grin on his face and the fact that he couldn’t keep still just made me feel even worse. I know it isn’t his fault that I feel like this though; he loves Eleanor, I was fully aware of that…. but it didn’t stop the feeling in my stomach at that moment.
I pulled away from Liam and ran to the toilet, certain that I was going to throw up. Louis seemed oblivious as he spoke to Zayn and Niall about how he would need to ask management for the next day off to go and fetch her from the airport.
I knelt on the floor in front of the toilet, but instead of being sick, I just burst out crying- quite a regular thing nowadays; Louis never meant to hurt me, I don’t even think he realised it, but it did hurt me and there I was once again, sitting on the floor, leaning against the cubicle door with my head in my hands and my heart in the bottom of my aching stomach.
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That afternoon, Louis took me to one side, pulling me into a hug and kissing my ear gently. All of the feelings from that morning had gone temporarily- that’s just the way our relationship works. He knows exactly how I feel; I had put my feelings down on the table pretty much as soon as the band was put together. He told me that he felt the same, but made very clear that he never intended to do anything about it- he said something about how it would ruin his image and about how all of his friends and family would disown him. I didn’t want to push him and thought that things would work themselves out in time. But that didn’t happen. A couple of months later Eleanor was on the scene- Louis’ family adore her, he adores her and the other guys adore her too.
As Louis pulled away from the hug he looked into my eyes- he could see the tears forming and immediately knew why. “Harry, I’m sorry. You know the score” he whispered apologetically and I just looked at the floor and nodded in acceptance- there was nothing else I could do. He let our fingers entwine and I leant forward to kiss him on the lips but he pulled away, looking slightly angry “Haz, I’m not cheating on Eleanor. I’ve told you that no end of times- just accept it.” I ran once again to that familiar spot in the toilet cubicle.
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Zayn took me out for a drink that night, to take my mind off things- I had a sneaking suspicion that Louis had told him to take me out and get me laid, but I wasn’t in the mood. I got drunk as quickly as possible, laughing along at Zayn’s accents and impressions, but underneath the laughter and the dimples I was still dying.
In the end a girl came over to me- there were no introductions, no love at first sight and I didn’t even catch her name; she just whispered for me to meet her in the toilets in 5 minutes. I did as I was told and got a lame blowjob and fingered her until she cummed, then she left and I collapsed into my familiar seat once again, letting the tears fall freely.
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The next day before Lou went to pick up Eleanor he cooked me breakfast, trying to make it up to me. I wasn’t hungry but ate it all anyway- as sad as I felt I didn’t want to ruin his week with the person he really loved so I tried to make it look like I was happy.
He stood up to leave and hugged me tightly, telling me how he wouldn’t be able to do this while El was over. He kissed my ear, then my cheek and then my neck and gazed into my eyes- once again I leant into him, with my fingers crossed, desperate for his lips and his tongue to meet mine. But once again he looked angry and lectured me on his love for his girlfriend, before picking up his keys and heading out of the door to go and get her. I waited until he was completely gone and ran to the toilet, sitting on the floor and for what must have been the millionth time since the whole thing began I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed until I ran out of tears.
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A couple of days later we were doing an interview and my dreaded topic came up- Larry Stylinson. I decided to keep my mouth shut and let Lou do the talking. I sat there playing with my bracelet as the boy of my dreams sat there denying any kind of chemistry that I thought existed between us and I could do nothing but agree because I knew otherwise I’d make him sad. I just nodded my head and said ‘No’ when the interviewer asked if we have ever kissed….. because that’s the truth, we haven’t. But only because he won’t let it happen!
I once again found myself crying in the toilet. I just hope that one day he’ll come and pick me up off the floor and tell me that we can be together…. maybe one day.
