Only Friends

Chapter 35 - Anxiety

The North London derby ended in success with us winning 3-0. Playing at The Emirates is always amazing, and to fill it with 25,000 fans was even more special. The game was tight at first, with both sides having equal possession and shots at goals. However, a quick turn around from our defensive end, and a clear pass over the midfield mess to Beth, ended in an advantage to us going into halftime.
We continued that advantage after the break, scoring a quick second by Jordan outside the box. It hit beautifully and hard into the top left hand corner.
With only 4 minutes of added injury time at the end, victory was secured, but not before Caitlin tapped in an easy goal from a Beth cross. Beth's crosses are always special.
It felt joyous winning the North London derby convingly. Although it was stressful, and I always stress in games, it was fun to play in a high pressure game and to win with ease.
After the game, I went over to Caitlin.
"Sneaky goal I see," I said to her, hugging her from behind.
"Well, I thought I might just add another goal. Just for fun." I laughed at this, only to see Beth walking quickly over to the stands.
"Where's Beth going?" I asked Caitlin. Caitlin shrugged, unknowing, only for Lia to answer as she came over to us.
"Daan's here," Lia said.
"Really?" I replied. I hadn't seen Daan in ages, and I could feel Beth was really missing her. I looked back over to Beth who was now next to Daan, hugging her. That only reminded me of Jill, who was talking with Viv and Jordan near the box, still warming down from the game.

I looked over to Jill, who caught my eye at the same time. I gave her a soft smile, and started to walk over to her. She left Viv and Jordan, and met me outside the box.
"Good game," I said to her, wrapping my arms around her neck to give her a hug. She nuzzled her neck into shoulder, as she lifted me slightly off the ground so I was standing on my tip toes.
"I played shit." It's true, she didn't play well. She has been getting in her own head, psyching herself out.
"It's okay. We all have off days."
"You never do," she replied, laughing.
"Not true. Not true at all." She smiled softly, wrapping her arms around me as we walked back into the locker room.

We passed Anna and Lotte the tunnel.
"Good game girls," I said to both of them.
"Good save, by the way," Lotte said to me, as they walked behind us into the locker room, "they would've definitely scored that unless you were there."

As we entered into the room, Jill and I went to our cubbies. We sat, beside each other, because she wears 14 and I wear 13. As we were packing our things, her hands were slightly shaking, again. I grabbed them, to stop the constant movement. She looked at me, not knowing what I was doing. Unable to recognise she was shaking.
"You were shaking," I said to her, letting go to zip my bag up.
"Oh," she replied, picking up her bag, "I didn't notice." Shaking is never a good sign. It made me nervous. This is how things started with me. This is how I went down the bad hill.

All the wins we had been taking, were putting us in top position to secure the title. We had some big games left against teams such as Chelsea and Manchester City, but we were prepared, and ready to get those wins.

As March rolled by, we were in a tight foot race against Chelsea. Chelsea were hungry for this Cup win. Winning three years in a row would be a massive achievement by them, but we wanted it too. We wanted to show that Arsenal was not a team to be playing with!

As the season started to wrap up, we had two games left - one against Chelsea and the other against Everton. Everton would be an easy victory, although not to say they wouldn't put up a fight. But the Chelsea game was the one we were all ready for. If we won against Chelsea, we would secure the championship, if they won, they would most likely retain it.

I vlogged the week leading up to the game against Chelsea, as to not only show the process of an important and pressure match, but also as a way to hold the memory of this season, and possible win, forever.
"So, Jill and I are off to the last training session before our match against Chelsea," I said into the camera, as Jill and I hopped into the car. I made her drive today as I was going to record a clip. "Basically, the narrative is that if we win the game against Chelsea, we secure the league, but if we lose, Chelsea still have a chance. Is that stressful?" I asked Jill.
"Yes, very!" Although Jill is never normally serious, I can sense her feeling the pressure.
"We'll see you when we get to training!" I looked at Jill, and I could see her hand slightly shaking on the wheel. "Jill, pull over." She did as I said, and I looked at her, slightly worried. "Get out and let me drive. You can't drive when you're shaking." She again did as I said, and we swapped seats in the car. Many people often wonder how I can drive when I have a dodgy hand, but, after a while, you get used to it. It was going to be impossible for me not to know how to drive, so my parents and I took that challenge, and smashed it. "Jill please tell me what's wrong. Why are you shaking?" I asked her.
"I'm just anxious, and when I get anxious I shake."
"Are you anxious about the game? Or moving clubs?" I am starting to get concerned about her. Her shaking is becoming more constant, and I can feel her anxiety radiating off her. 
"I'm not sure - everything I think." As we stopped at a traffic light, I looked at her, staring into her eyes.
"Jill, in the end, you need to prioritise yourself over the sport. If you are feeling anxious, I need you to talk to me. Trust me, I understand." She nodded her head, and as the light turned green, we started moving again.

As we arrived at training, the first person I saw was Katie. I pulled out my camera and started to sing.
"We've got McCabe, Katie McCabe." I ran up behind her, hugging her and pointing the camera towards her. "How are you feeling about the game, McCabe?"
"Well, Harrison, we are feeling very excited. Very pumped for the fight."
"Yes, because everyone knows how you like a little bit of niggle!"
"True!" She replied, her Irish accent exemplified.

Training was tough, we were all pushed to our absolute maximums. We needed to be pushed though, because this game was all too important to not worry about or put effort into. As we all lay on the ground, in the middle of the field, exhausted and sweaty, I pulled the camera out.
"So," I said into the camera, out of breath, "we have just finished the final training session before our game. How do we feel, girls?" I panned the camera to show all our bodies lying on the grass.
"Tired!" Jordan called out, her eyes closed.
"Sweaty!" Anna Patten called out next.
"Ready to win!" Caitlin chimed in.
"Yes, we are ready to win!" I replied to them, turning the camera off.

As we walked back into the training center, to get food from the dining hall, I could see Jill with her head down walking by herself. I was chatting away with Viv and Mana earlier, as Jill walked before us to the training center.
"Guys, I'm going to..." I said, gesturing towards Jill. They nodded their hands, understanding that I should check up on her. As I walked swiftly towards Jill, I could see her hand shaking again. I quickly grabbed hold of it, so no one would be able to see her nerves, and wrapped my other arm around her waist.
"Thanks," she said, looking at me.
"I want to help," I said, looking into her eyes.
"It's just nerves, nothing more," she said, honestly. But somehow, I don't believe her.
"Jill, I know what it's like. Believe me. I know. Your feelings are valid. Don't forget that." She nodded and we walked back together.

The following day, it was our game against Chelsea. Throughout the night I could sense Jill tossing and turning, and at around 4am, I was tired of her fidgeting. I moved to her side and wrapped my arms around her, trying to calm her. She linked her fingers in mine, as I nuzzled my head into her shoulder.
"Close your eyes and think happy thoughts," I whispered into her ear, half asleep. "Think about Christmas in Holland, or day trips to Brighton, or holidays in Nice, or tours in Prague." This got her to settle, and not fidget. I was worried about Jill. The nerves were getting more than she could handle. I just hoped she wouldn't break before I could help her.

Note:
- hope you are liking it
- also I have a plan as to where this is going and I think you're gonna really like it so don't stress :)