Pulled Back

Chapter 21

There is was again, the voice in her head that seemed to echo and daze her. Images of a man in the shadows of her home watching her, a fear stricken in her as she let the light illuminate her room and little of the hallway.

She felt as though she was being watched but she knew it was all in her head, walking the house flicking lights on and off just so she could be sure that no one was there. I'm sure others questioned the flickering.

Body trembling as she sat in her room, curled on the floor waiting for something to happen.

Her nightmares haunting her even when awake.

Julian filling her mind all day, stressing her, so many break downs in the span of eight hours.

What to do? She thought

Scrambling to sit on her knees and yank the bottom drawer open. She lean her head against the desk and grip the edge trying to talk herself out of doing it, convincing her limbs to stay still and away from the baggie and the pipe, away from the lighter, away from the belt and the syringe, from the old pill bottle that definitely didn't contain Tylenol anymore like the label claimed.

Pushing the layers of papers covering the things she really wanted. What to do?

She wanted it, craved to have some relief, for the paranoia to retreat into the back of her mind and lock itself in its previous cells.

But it refused to and her hands got itchy to feel her old friend at the tip of her fingers.

Against her better judgment she never threw it all out, and she didn't resist well enough.

Picking up the pipe and the little baggie she let the small crystals fall from the bag and lightly clank against the glass structure. Hesitantly placing the end between her lips and flicking on the lighter to heat up the end, sucking in all the smoke that it provided and holding it in her mouth until she was forced to breath at the lack of air.

Coughing and choking for air as the smoke exits.

She leans her head back and closes her eyes, using her free hand to push through her hair frustratingly. The cost of her feeling the slightest bit of happiness was to disappoint everyone around her.

She kept going, inhaling the vapored drug but slowly stopped caring about the mistake she was making. Soon, her fears slipped away and she shut off the light, the shadow figure no longer stared back at her and she later in bed enjoying her time for once.

Why was it so hard? She had a ting of guilt, she promised she would be better, to not only her friends but to herself.

The disgust she felt in herself, the fear, the regret was swept away. Wiped from her mind with just half a bag, again, like before, bliss, pure joy. A laugh, that although was only produced because of 'medication', was still a laugh, and there was even a smile.

She wanted to go out but couldn't possibly leave. So she sat in bed daydreaming, being her own party.

Falling asleep without a nagging feeling on her, without a weight on her chest, and the staring at her wall wasn't the beginning of a restless night.

• • • • •

Bianca woke to the rapid sound of the doorbell, jumping up she looked around frantically, startled and quickly standing to wipe the sleep from her face. Taking one look at the pipe and sighing as she crouched and slapped herself on the head.

She grunts in annoyance at the bell,the feeling of drowsiness washing over her again and her facial expressions dropped. She was back to emotionless robot as she hid away her illegal items.

She didn't rush to the door. Despite not doing anything her body started to ache and she did nothing other then drag her feet to meet the impatient person at her front door.

Unlocking the two dead bolts and knob lock she slowly peek out the door and was met with her grandmother. The irritation of grandma Jazz dropped from her face and let her bright smile shine. Pushing the door open, Bianca was took into a tight hug, her back cracking but the sound fell on deaf ears, literally.

"My baby girl" Jazmine overloaded with excitement to see Bianca "I brought some pancakes and scrabble, I know how you like to play that, put me to shame" Grandma Jazz winked.

Jazmine heard an earful on her granddaughters current condition. The lost of her old appetite, the lack of her old personality, so much of herself fading. She understood what her son and daughter-in-law meant, Bianca looked lifeless, pale, she was quiet. This was an intruder in her granddaughters body, where was the smile, the playfulness, there was just a pair of dull eyes staring back at her.

Bianca stared back at her grandmother who observers her, her hand heavy waiting for grandma Jazz to drop them but she held on for dear life. Bianca heard the conversation her father had when her mother left the room.

"Momma... she looks fucking depressed or something, I don't know who that is and people can get into the house and beating the shit out of her, I don't want to leave her by herself-"

Bianca could hear the worry, the sadness, the sob that her father let out but she couldn't listen anymore. What did he think she would do?

"I'm scared for her ma"

Now Jazz knew there was no exaggeration, she thought Bianca wasn't capable of quiet, of being the person standing in front of her. There was no girly scream and squealing as she saw one of her favorite people. Just stood there.

"I'm not really in the mood, I was just going to go back to sleep" Bianca tried to smile but it came out like a judgy little look.

Jazz refused to have that "You can't sleep all day Bianca, why don't we watch a movie together and I want you to eat something" Jazz was against what her son told her, give her space but check on her.

"I ate an hour ago before I fell back asleep-"

"Really? What did you eat?" Jazz could sense the lie

"I ate waffles, the bag is open and the empty butter container is in the trash if you don't believe me" Bianca lie and boy was she good at it because there truly was a butter container in the trash and three waffles missing from the box.

She didn't eat though, her mom ate that before she left and the trash hasn't been taken out since then but the bag was only a quarter filled.

"I didn't sleep good last night, I'm tired" Bianca add and grandma Jazz didn't push it, disappointed.

Confused, what the hell happened? The assault alone couldn't have done that to a sweet energetic girl, could it?

Bianca dragged herself back up the stairs, closing the door.

Nothing had happened but it felt like it did, the tears fell, heart pumping, pain. She didn't know what was wrong with her. Confused, tired, exhausted with life. She was done.