Pulled Back

Chapter 27

Guilt, it spread through me like wildfire as I had to sit in my bed and endure the hour long argument my parents had down stairs, listening to them blame and defend themselves.

But it was my fault, it was completly all on me. That was the ugly truth.

I couldn't say anythign though, they were angry at eachother, in the middle of feeling like shitty parents, how would it make them feel for me to come downstairs and say that it was all my fault. I knew my dad especially, I beating myself up was worst then my mom yelling at him. 

They would get over their argument, tommorow morning it would be a clean slate and they would go back to their normal of ignoring each other. That didn't help me feel better though.

I could see the sun setting and the final decision made me want to shrivle up and be swollowed by the earth. 

Dad was moving back in, mom was going back to work. They hated each other and I thought back to Andy. When did he find out? He probably thought it was his fault. The constant fighting, us growing up, teenage and preteen us being passed back and forth. 

And he thought I was the favorite child. I bet that felt shitty too, feeling like your technically stepdad who raised you, only favoritizing his biological child. He's still my brother, that's still his dad, our father never treated him as if he wasn't his child. 

I didn't want dad to have to move back, he's wanted to leave for years, he's got a good job that pays better now. It's my turn to sacrifice and honestly, as much as i'll miss it, I want to leave to. 

There was just a few thing I still had left to do.

I wouldn't hide what I wanted to do though, I don't want to lie.

My mother had left a while ago with the angry slam of the front door, off to grandma's for the night. The normal.

My clothes covering every inch of flesh possible. 

My feet tread the hard wood flooring as I make my way to the old office room, one my parents had shared before, sitting side by side and doing work in the silent company of each other, a time where they were helplessly in love. Now a wall divided the once large room. The door open I didn't stop to knock. 

I walked in and slid the woden chaur next to my father, leaning my head on his shoulder as I look to his computer screen. 

"I'm just as much to blame as him" I say looking at the document. 

"You are a child Bianca, he is an adult, you should know better and I know that but you are not the one to blame for his mistake... Did he know how old you were? Did he tell you his real age? or did you lie about yours?" he asked, curiosity, I think I would be embarressed to tell my father if I had lied, ashamed, but I never did lie about my age.

I shook my head as he asked the last two questions and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head "He chose to pursue you baby, that makes him wrong"

"But I-" I suck in a large breath "I kept going back to him, I'd go back before he found me" I felt like I was defending him, I was to blame too, why can't they just yell at me for it already, I'm to blame, I know it, Julian knows it, everybody knows but here my father is, stupidly telling me i'm not. 

"Thats what domestic violence does, it screws with your head, your... Partner... did this, inforcing those thoughts, Listen to me Bianca, It's his fault more then it is yours, you are a seventeen year old girl who was lied to, he beat you and put you in a loop, do not put all that blame on yourself"

I lost it as he started crying, tearing up as he turned to look at me.He didn't even cry when the divorce was happening, he cried for me, he cried for Andy, he prioritized us even when it seemed like he wasn't, even when he left. He was always our dad first.