Pulled Back

Chapter 25

I smile as I slide into the car, met with a soft kiss as Julian greet me.

"Hi babe" he slid his hand down onto my thigh, rubbing my inner thigh. I knew that rub, a rub saying that he was horny and wanted a good lay, which I had no problem with, I didn't care I wanted to get laid to and so I rubbed his hand.

Julian's smile grew into a grin as he pulled out of Orange street, caressing my thigh and turning his hand around to interlock it into mine.

"Did you gain weight?" He asked out of nowhere.

"Yeah... why? Do I look bad?" My heart dropped and picked up at the same time, I was anxious now, a little hurt that a few pounds bothered him but also not caring because he noticed me and a little bit of change. But still hurt non the less, did I look ugly? Was it too much? Now that it was brought up, I didn't feel right in my body.

"No, you look fine" he shook his head.

But I knew he was lying, if he felt fine then he was just trying to be nice, Julian was always the type to be into skinny girls, he didn't like meat on a girl's bones and that was a toxic trait of his. Fat shaming sometimes. I look into the rearview mirror at my face that picked up some weight, making my cheeks seem fuller and my face into its old and more circular shape.

I could only look at myself for a few seconds, now I felt sick to my stomach, and I hated it, I looked better with less weight than I had now. My jaw line used to be more defined, my cheek bones made me look pretty, my lips seemed less full with the weight gain.

I looked away, crossing my arms across my chest and looking to my lap. I stare at my thighs that barely increased in size but it had too much meat, it was squishy and looking at it bothered me just as much as my face.

So, I look to Julian.

"Yeah, I was thinking about working out, change my diet a little" I respond to him.

"If that's what makes you happy" he smiled but I felt like it was only half genuine, the other half was the part of him that felt victorious, I was going to do something he wanted me to do even if he didn't verbally tell me to.

I'm pathetic.

I lean into his shoulder, his grip on my thigh got tighter and his hands went higher, touching the bottom of the short shorts, today felt hot.

"I was planning on going to another party tonight, why don't you come with me" he suggested but weirdly, I felt like staying home tonight, I wanted to sleep, and I needed to think, did I want to back track, was it really a good idea to get tied back up with Julian. I had contacted him first but was I really going to jump back into the same old cycle, I wasn't happy right now, but I also wasn't getting hit, his habits would reappear sooner or later, and I'd rather not be around when it does. 

I was aware that it was a stupid idea to go crawling back to Julian, my heart always did overpower my mind, the logistics were quieted by my emotions. 

"I think i'll stay home tonight, grandma's been a bit... overbearing right now, my brother told her I was at the party and she told him she didn't believe him but I think she just lied to him to make me think she was on my side" I half lied to him, a part of me believed that was true but you never know.

he scoffed and I wanted to flinch at the sound, that was the sound of Julian twisting the words into a different meaning, not necessarily false sometimes. 

"What?" he glanced towards me "Done fucking around now, want to hide at home, think I can't reach you there huh Bianca?" 

"I didn't say that Julian, I just thin k it would be better if I don't sneak out, I don't want my parents finding out and my dad is already hell bent on my safety and shit, he's still got lawyers and cops trying to look-"