Idol? Ex? Doctor? What? - english version

Part XI

Kim Jisoo

Jennie's room is different from what I imagined. The decor is a combination of obviously black, pink and some purple accents, but she was never someone who really liked purple. Maybe she's changed a lot in the last few years.

I'm trying to memorize every detail of your room since it could be the first and last time I see you. I stop in front of the polaroid photo mural. There are dozens of images, of her alone, with Chaeng and Lisa, of Kuma and Kai, of her mother.

I end up smiling when I notice Jennie's cheerful, gummy smile, that has always been one of her favorite smiles. Jennie to me is the very definition of what happiness is when she's smiling like that.

What a fool I was to walk away and delude myself into thinking that pulling away from her would help me forget about her. Nothing has changed, on the contrary, it seems that everything has increased over the years that I followed them from a distance.

My smile gets bigger when I see one of the photos we took in Jeju almost hidden among the others. She still did, even after all, my heart is so hot and racing. Jennie Kim, why did I have to fall for you?

And now my smile dies as I see so many pictures of her with Jongin and she looks happy too. The bitter taste of jealousy, hurt welling up in my stomach and rising to my mouth. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. What did I expect? To have a sanctuary of worship for me?

"Talk." I hear her voice right behind me and see that she has changed. Wearing only black pajamas and sitting up in bed.

"I don't know where to start, to be honest." I sit in the wheel chair and drag myself until I'm facing her. I'm shaking so much, lucky I learned to control my voice so I wouldn't give up the game.

"Why don't you regret having left without saying goodbye to me?" Her voice breaks at the end, full of hurt and I just wanted to hug her now "What madness would you commit?" I close my eyes again and take a deep breath, counting to 10.

"Because you're the reason I gave it all up, Jennie." her chin is practically on the floor at how surprised she's.

"What? Why? What did I do to make you leave like that? Even more accompanied by Soojoo."

"You didn't do anything, Jennie, it was my fault." I look away and grit my teeth, remembering the conversation with Yang from years ago.

"I don't understand." she says impatiently.

"I was in love with you, Jennie." I look back at her "Completely and stupidly in love with you in a way that I never thought I could, but that all the exaggerated love songs described to me. I'm not sure when started, but when I realized, there I was, totally whipped for you and there was nothing I could do about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Rumors started to circulate, the photos and videos, programs and interviews that we participated. As much as I tried to control myself, every now and then something slipped out without me realizing and people started to assemble the puzzle." I let out a sigh "When I see those images, I almost believe that you also felt something for me, but I know it's all my imagination. It was just me who was literally drooling and unable to keep my eyes anywhere but you."

"I still don't understand why you left."

"Yang called me to a meeting one day when you were busy with photo shoots for the brands." I close my eyes and swallow hard "He threw several articles and photos on the table and asked if it was true that I was in love with you."

"So?" Her voice is just a whisper.

"And I was so tired of trying to hide and smother it, I was at my limit. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid it would change our friendship and things between us. I didn't want to lose the good relationship we had" I feel a tear escape and shake my head "But I told him yes, it was and that I couldn't do anything about it because you didn't feel the same way."

"What?" She looks at me confused.

"He laughed and said it was better this way, that I had two options. The first was to accept them forging a fake relationship between me and any other idol to squelch the rumors. The second was that he would put us in the same room and expose everything, that we should make a decision as a group to resolve this because, for sure, if what was happening were proven, it would end everyone's career." I focus my gaze on the wall on the other side of the room "I told him I wouldn't get involved with anyone, even if it was a lie and I didn't accept that he put this pressure on you, because you had nothing to do with what I was happening."

"And then?" she's crying and my heart is so small it could disappear.

"And that's when I made my decision, I asked him if he really thought the group would survive if I left. He was silent for at least 10 minutes before answering me." I drag my chair closer to her "He said would be difficult, but he thought you could overcome it, asked if I was sure about this decision. At that moment I hesitated, but then I remembered how much was at risk, how much you had sacrificed and dedicated to get where you're, I couldn't stop this." I take her hand and start playing with her fingers so as not to stare at her "So I signed the break up contract and he asked what I was going to do, I just told him I would gather my things and leave. Yang said I couldn't be seen with you again because the press would go crazy when they heard of my departure and they would hunt me down like the middle ages."