Idol? Ex? Doctor? What? - english version

Part XV

Jennie Kim

"Do you like her?" my heart is racing. I know Jisoo loves me, I could never doubt that, but I've always been crazy about her and any possibility, however slight, of any kind of competition makes me extremely insecure.

"Jennie," she gets up quickly and starts pacing.

"Don't you think I deserve to know what I'm getting myself into? I need to know the big picture, I can't be fooled into thinking it all comes down to just the two of us."

"I can't give you that answer right now, Jennie." She turns to me.

"Why? Do you like it or not? It's simple!"

"NO, JENNIE, IT'S NOT! IT HAS NEVER BEEN SIMPLE WHEN IS US!" she screams and this is one of the few times I've heard Jisoo lose control.

"You just yelled at me, you had never yelled at me before under any circumstances, however serious our discussions were, and yelled at me because of Hong Soojoo. I think I understand the answer to my question." I say as tears flood my face and she quickly kneels in front of me, trying to grab my hands, but I push her away.

"Jennie, please listen to me." she puts her hands on my face and I refuse to look at her. "You need to understand me, things between me and Soojoo are more than like or dislike. I have a lot of respect and consideration for her, I can't just dismiss her. She's one of the most important people in my life, she was with me in my worst moments, when I really was..."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW PERFECT AND WONDERFUL SHE WAS TO YOU AFTER YOU LEFT ME!" I push her and she falls sitting on the floor. "I don't want to know that she loved you when I couldn't." I pull a pillow and hug tightly.

"Jen, you need to listen to me, you need to understand what I mean." She sits beside me and puts on her blouse.

"No, Jisoo, I don't need to. Your actions have already spoken for you."

"Jennie, please don't be childish, not now that we're finally together." She puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Go away, I want to be alone." I say and I know she's surprised, just by the way the grip on my shoulder has tightened.

"Jennie..."

"No, I don't want to hear you now." I try to dry my tears "When I'm ready, I'll talk to you." I say still with my back to her.

"Are you absolutely sure what you're saying, Jennie?" her tone is serious and I know it's an ultimatum, but my heart is sad. When I finally think we're going to be together, we're not going because of Soojoo. I just stay silent as I hear her steps slowly towards the door and I hug the pillow tighter when I hear her close the door with the smallest of noises.

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"Jen, you've already lost a few pounds." I hear Lisa's voice as I look at the tablet. "You need eat."

"I'm not hungry." I try to look away, but I can't. The photo of Jisoo and Soojoo together at that damn conference. All the spotlight on them and people talking about the supposed couple.

Why are people so hypocrites? If it were any idol, we would be punished, our careers would be over, everything would be in ruins in a matter of hours. Just because you make music, you can't live your life as you want, you have to follow the ideal model. In those moments I understand why Jisoo abandoned everything.

I would leave everything for her, I would do anything she asked me to, if I was sure she wouldn't regret anything. If I only knew that her heart is mine alone, that I don't need to share it with anyone, but I don't know.

What I do know is that when I see her picture with Soojoo, it somehow feels right. It seems to be what Jisoo deserves after all we've been through. She deserves happiness, tranquility, to be loved and valued. How can I offer her all this if I'm a goddamn idol? How can I even have a romantic dinner without someone trying to take a hidden picture of us?

"It's almost time for your last appointment." Lisa stares at me and I finally look at her.

"Have you decided?" I get up and throw the tablet on the couch.

"I don't want to talk to her, not with you being in this situation. You've barely eaten for days, you've gotten worse, you're almost at the level you were when she left us."

"You need to talk to her, Lisa. You need your explanation to put this behind you, even if you don't forgive her." she just sighs and doesn't argue anymore.

"Jennie, what happened to you? You were so good days ago and now you're so pale." Oppa manager says as soon as we arrived at the hospital "Glad we're here and we can ask for a check-up."

"It's not necessary, I'm not sick, these are other problems that no hospital or doctor will be able to solve."

"Just one doctor." Lisa says softly and I shoot her. She just puts her hands in her pockets and shrugs.

"What happened to Kai? He's gone." he says and I look at him confused.

"We broke up weeks ago." I start laughing "You're so uninformed, dear God." he laughs and looks confused.

"When you're done, just call me, okay?" we just nodded our heads before he left. Lisa opens the door and stands still.

"Come on, Lisa, I want to sit down." I say irritated and push her to see Soojoo in the chair where Jisoo used to sit. "Soojoo." I arch an eyebrow as I approach the bed.

"Miss Kim and Manoban." She gives an amused smile "You're pale, you must not be eating well." She goes back to writing something down on the clipboard and I notice that she has a ring that she didn't wear before. Oh no, Jisoo wouldn't be able to. Did we get to finish? I don't remember.

"Where's Jisoo?" Lisa sits down on one of the chairs after helping me onto the bed.

"She won't come." Soojoo shrugs like it's normal.

"Wait, what? Why?" I raise my voice and she looks at me with a mocking smile on her face.

"She asked me to let you know" she turns to Lisa, speaking more seriously now "If your answer is yes, you'll find her in her office."

"What if the answer is no?" Lisa arches an eyebrow.

"I'm not the one who needs an ending, Manoban, it's you" she looks at me when she says the last word "Who didn't get over Jisoo." she smiles "Let's start our meeting, I hear you're wanting to get back to your idol life." Her acid tone makes my stomach twist with anger.