13 walking to 19

Self Isolation

In my second year of high school, I completely shut myself from everyone I was close to and even the people I didn't know. I began to resent school and went through a minor depression. Self-confidence was lost along the way and I was slowly distancing myself from everything and everyone. During breaks, I ate alone in the classroom, came to and went back home from school on my own. I was only excited during the weekends. 

I can state few reasons I went through this phase in my life but I am going to keep it brief and private. I decided to cut ties with friends who were bad for me. Over the summer break, I had time to sit down and think thoroughly about my life and the directions I was choosing to go towards. I then realized how I had used the first year of high school acting irresponsible, being a truant and building a negative reputation. Looking back now, the isolation period feels as though it was very much needed, but I was confused then. I was uncertain of where my emotions stood, whether lonely or free. During this period, I thought and dreamt of many things. As unmotivated as I was, I still had aspirations and passion. I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be and paradoxically, I was hopeful towards future. It was as though I knew something good was going to come out of my blue days.

My aunt however became worried about my weariness and reluctance towards school. Most weekdays I would wake up very late in the morning, pretend to feel sick and stay home all day instead of going to school. I went over this experience so many times in a semester that some of the teachers had also begun to show concern. When there were activities like sports day, ceremonies or any kind of school programs that required shorter periods of classes, I was the first to pack my books rushing back home. The high school I attended was one of the biggest in the city. In spite of that, I hated the crowd, so I made sure to pass places where there were less students and teachers. I was desperate to be invisible. I could not understand why there were so many human beings in just a single school and I honestly resented everyone at that time. I was specifically avoiding my old friends who had then turned into different people or had turned me into a different person. I had no interest in keeping them company but because we were in the same school, the inevitable stayed that way. Often, we would bump into each other and I had to endure my emotional instability to converse with them about topics I no longer found fascinating. Despair was the only thing I felt about everything that was happening in and out of school.

One day, as I went home three hours earlier than normal days, my aunt asked me if I was alright. I was unsure why she did because she hardly asked about my health except when I was in a critical situation. The next thing that came out of her mouth was "do you ever think of suicide". Suicide  sounded terrifying. I could not believe I had acted so miserably that it pushed someone to ask me if I had suicidal thoughts. I was shocked. I had an incredulous smile on my face so as to convince her that I was nowhere close to that stage. Even though I hated myself, I had hopes for the future.I believed that things were not going to stay the same forever. I was only getting exhausted of subduing insecurity issues but not planning to end my entire life at sixteen. This occurrence woke me up. It shook me fiercely and I finally woke up to see the bright side of life. I was choosing to isolate myself because I thought nobody would ever like me for who I really was. I was scared to open up and socialize with new people because I thought things were going to end up the way it ended with my old friends I no longer hanged out with. I was ashamed and not confident because I had flaws which I thought were going to push people away. All of these were my problems. They were the roadblocks I could not get rid of. Nonetheless, realizing why I was extremely frantic helped me get back on my feet and see things differently. I wish I could go back in time and talk to the sixteen year old me to remind her of her worth, but life doesn't work that way, does it?

Things I Learned;

1. Self Isolation Is Not Always Loneliness

Spending time alone and loneliness are completely different. Momentarily, I thought I was losing everything and loneliness was all that I could think of, but it wasn't that. I was growing and maturing. Learning to get away from things that did not benefit me. I was learning to let go of the things that only pushed me back instead of leading me forward.

2. Isolation Is "Me time"

I am nobody to speak for anyone but at least I know I needed time for and with myself. There was a lot of thinking, deciding and comprehending to do. Isolating myself helped me appreciate time and led me to plan the things I could do with all the time I had. I could finally keep up with studies, reading, improving my relationship with my family and so much more. I made more time for the things that were really important to me.

3. Essence of Embracing Myself

I took the time to love myself. I took the time to accept everything that I was and learned to be confident. I might have mentioned a few times in the previous chapters but I lacked self confidence. I took this time to get out of my insecure self, consider myself someone else and identified all the positive things I had in me that I failed to notice for a long time. All these could not have happened if I hadn't taken the time off people and the world of innumerable expectations.