romeo + juliet ↠ l.h

30

It's been a month.

An entire month since I laid on my bedroom floor, my shoulders rocking with sobs, as Luke's shaky voice played out over my phone speaker.

I listen to his voicemail every day.

His number disconnected, but his message still lingered in my phone.

I know it's not fair to ask you to wait for me, but if you don't i'll be fucking wrecked.

I replay his words and try to analyze every syllable he spoke, every time his tone changed, every time he tried to hide the fact he was crying. Each time I'm left more confused than before.

The worst part of it is pretending not to be upset with my dad. My parents know I've been different. They know something happened. They just don't know it was my dad. My own dad.

I dyed my hair back to blonde. It made my mom smile at me, something I never realized I needed. I hadn't worn makeup or even really left my house aside from school. I was on the brink of failing 2 classes.

Each day was the same. I woke up at 5 a.m and wrapped myself in my comforter. I stomped to the back window with no attempt to be quiet. I sat in front of it, staring at our spot, expecting Luke to appear. He never did. My mother realized it was pointless to ask questions. We weren't close before, and we sure as hell weren't close now. She didn't need to know why I was hurting, and she never would know.

His house laid empty. The moving trucks had left as fast as they came the day I got his message.

I make my coffee (black) and drink the entire pot just to keep myself alive for the day. My mom offers me toast, I say no. I don't bother brushing my hair after I put on a plain white sweater and plain navy blue skirt. Although it was still chilly, I didn't bother with tights. My bare legs stayed clad in goosebumps all day until the final bell rang. I tell myself I made it through another day.

Another day of dodging my friends questions, because I won't tell them how I feel. Another day of telling my mom 'fine' when she asks how school was. Another day of ditching Michael's invitations to come over and play video games. Another day of trying to keep all social interactions to a minimum.

I've never been one to tell anyone how I feel.

But Luke wasn't 'anyone'.

"Honey, don't forget that your dad's thing is this Friday." my mom spoke as she handed me my coat and backpack.

She'd picked up these new habits. New habits that a normal mom wouldn't have to force herself to do. I think it was her way of trying to connect with me, but she was seventeen years too late.

"I'm not going." I mumbled, knowing that it would take a miracle for me to get myself out of attending.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow." she kissed my temple before opening the front door for me.

It should be a nice feeling having her there for me. But it just reminded me of what her and my father made me lose.

The drive to school was music-less and silent as usual. The walk into school was miserable, because I had to force myself not to look at his empty parking space each day.

I approached my friends, who deserved much more than I had given them lately.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Alice spoke to Morgan, who had ditched the winged eyeliner for a much more dark look. Her bloodshot eyes had tragic, dark bags underneath.

"I need to be left alone for about two days. Then you have permission to speak to me." She slammed her locker and took off. Surely she didn't think we'd let her off that easy.