romeo + juliet ↠ l.h

38.

Luke sat in front of me as every word I had wanted to say dissolved in my throat, leaving me with an open mouth and gawking eyes.

He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt he must have grown out of when he hit 6 foot, and he looked as if I had interrupted him from going to bed.

"Are you ready to have a conversation or do you want to keep telling me what I do and do not deserve?" my words came out more harsh than I intended them to.

I didn't want to beg, but I would if it came down to it. I wasn't losing him.

"Can we smoke first?" he muttered, his fingers raking through his bed head.

"By all means, go ahead." I let out a shaky laugh filled with a spite and anger. His lack of an attempt at conversation was sending me over the edge.

Maybe he was right. Maybe the person he'd become wasn't good enough for me. I mean, after all, if this boy in front of me was him, did I really want him?

I decided it may calm my nerves if I laid down, so as Luke stood up I let myself recline onto his bed, kicking my Gucci tennis shoes (the only pair of shoes I could find) onto the floor. I watched Luke's eyes follow my shoes as they hit the floor, no doubt a reminder of what he once had.

He returned his attention to the bong now in his hand as I picked at my nails, a nervous habit I never knew I had.

I let Luke finish, the silence clinging to the air worse than anything I'd experienced, and to my surprise he laid down next to me.

But I shouldn't be surprised.

This is Luke.

To treat him any differently would only make him feel worse, would only make him think I believed that he truly had changed.

As he turned onto his side to face me, I reached out and pushed a curl out of his bloodshot, glassy eyes. His eyes fluttered shut at my touch, and he didn't open them for a few moments.

"How's your mom?" I whispered.

"My mom?" he seemed surprised at my question.

I nodded.

"She's doing... really good." he paused, as if to think about his next words. "The divorce was good for her. She moved out to Bakersfield to be closer to me when I moved here. With Mulan of course."

A hint of a smile crossed his face, and a sigh of relief escaped from me.

I saw him smile.

Warmth spread across my chest, and my heart rate slowed. He smiled. He's still in there somewhere. I would break his walls down if it was the last thing I did.

"That's good."

We both lay in silence, facing each other in his bed as the party in the living room seemed to grow louder.

"You should hate me." Luke quietly spoke, his sentence stopping as if he had more to say.

"I shouldn't have said that last weekend. I have never hated you." I paused as I swallowed my pride, "I'm sorry I said that."

I shouldn't be the first one saying sorry, but maybe it would open up this tension between us. Maybe we could go back to the old us if I reached and reached until he had no choice but to give into his old self.

"You shouldn't be sorry. I deserved it."

"No, you didn't. I shouldn't have yelled at you either."

His gaze never left his pinky ring that he continually twirled. It was all I could muster not to chew my fingernails down until they bled right now.