romeo + juliet ↠ l.h

13

Here's the story of my downfall.

It's Christmas break. I'm on the fucking beach and I've never felt worse in my life.

I'm surrounded by servers and fancy cocktails and my own top floor suite at the resort and all I can think is, "Wow, I am so alone."

My friends have boyfriends. My mom never leaves my side and has turned into a helicopter parent. I don't sleep anymore. I don't go out anymore. I don't have fun. I don't look forward to anything. My mom made sure of that.

And Luke. I haven't spoken to him since I told him I was sick of him.

He has recently installed blinds so he can cover his window and never have to look at me again. He avoids me like the plague at school. I took this as a 'fuck you, don't ever talk to me again' from him.

Is it bad that I miss him?

I can finally admit to myself that yes, I did start to develop some confused and misdirected feelings for him. Was it because he was forbidden and the thought excited me? Or was it that he helped me in a time of need? My mind tricked me into channeling those emotions into feelings, and I am so glad I now realize that.

I didn't actually like Luke. I liked the adventure. I liked that he helped me. That's what it comes down to.

So why am I laying here on this beach thinking about him?

A valid question I asked myself. Why the hell do I continue to care? I couldn't answer that for myself. I couldn't tell you why it still hurt me that we hadn't spoken in weeks. I didn't know. I just did not know.

It's the last night of vacation, a vacation I spent completely sober might I add, and I was more than ready to go home. I don't know why, because at home, I had nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all. No film school, no friends, no partying.

No Luke.

I think I know my problem. I haven't learned how to have fun sober. I don't know how to be happy if there is not a bottle in my hand. Maybe just... one night. Just one night on this vacation I can drink.

Sure, I've worked this hard at being sober and sure, it probably wouldn't be worth it.

But what's ONE glass of wine gonna do?

•

Here I am again, laying alone in my bed, after drinking way too much alcohol.

I wasn't obliterated, I was aware of what I was doing and my surroundings, but just barely.

"Hello?" I heard a deep voice come from my phone.

"What the hell?" I thought, "Fuck I called him."

"Is this Luke?" My words were slurred and slow.

"Emma," Luke sighed, "what the hell are you doing?"

I tried to form words, but instead choked myself up. I was still laying down, and I felt as if the world was spinning. Why did I call him? I don't remember calling him.

"You.... you don't even know how much I think about you." Slowly but surely the words came out of my mouth. I was instantly mortified. Even drunk me knew I should not have said that.

All I received from the other line was a sigh.

"That's all you have to say?" I snapped back. I wondered if he could hear the tears I was trying to choke down in my voice.

"Why are you crying?" He asked. "And why are you drinking? Michael said you were sober. You don't need to drink, Emma. You don't need this."

I tried to get words out, but none came. I stuttered a bit before the tears came, and there were LOTS of tears.

"Are you okay? Listen, calm down. When do you get back?" he questioned.

"I miss you." I blurted out, completely disregarding his question, "I miss you and it fucking sucks because I don't even like you. You're so mean to me and you didn't kiss me that night and I don't know why I'm saying this because I don't even care about you but I miss you and I miss Bad Suns."

My words were barely intelligible because of my sobs, but as soon as they came out of my mouth, I regretted them. How and why am I pouring my heart out to someone I do not even know?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm-I'm sorry. Please just hang up on me, I'm so drunk. You can't-"

"Emma." He cut me off. "I miss you too. I'll see you when you come home. I promise."

I sniffled a little bit before a faint 'okay' came out of my mouth. We sat in silence for three entire minutes. I watched the seconds pass on my phone as I didn't say a word. Neither of us hung up.

I spoke first, "You confuse me."

"How's that?"

"I think you know." I scoffed.

Luke didn't speak, giving me an answer with his silence. He knew what he was doing to me. He knew the effect he had.

I took one more huge drink of wine before dropping the bottle and stumbling back onto my bed. Not smart.

"Emma, are you okay?" he asked.

"No." And with that, more tears. I cried and cried, for no reason specifically, and Luke kept trying to comfort me but nothing worked.

"Listen," my words increasingly slurred, "I need to say something important."

My eyes fluttered open and shut. My vision blurrier than ever, but suddenly my eyes were dry. A new mood hit me.

"I wish you would've kissed me." I whispered. "I wish you would've done a lot more."

Really, Emma? Pouring your heart out turned to this?

Luke cleared his throat awkwardly, and was silent for a few moments.

"Well, angel, we can see what happens when you come home."

•

halfway through writing this wattpad deleted like 7 paragraphs haha love that!