romeo + juliet ↠ l.h

32

this chapter is dedicated to bat-lover-3000 and custoditetuuspacem you guys make me happy(:

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"Are you tired of pretending you're fine?" I whispered to Morgan as we locked pinkies, sprawled out on the floor in my bedroom.

"Yes. Maybe we should just shave our heads and drop out." Morgan speaks before retreating her pinky from mine.

"We graduate in two days." I remind her.

The date had snuck up on me, if I'm being honest. I had felt that high school was passing by slowly, like I would never be able to get out of this town. Now it seems like I barely blinked.

It feels like just yesterday Luke left. It had been months.

I dyed my hair pink last week. I told myself that no one else matters except myself, because the only thing i've learned through all of this is that i'm the one person I can't get away from.

I wish Luke had wrote a letter. Emailed. Escaped wherever he is and knocked on my window.

But I understood. Maybe he wanted to respect my wishes of not getting caught. Maybe he thought it would make it harder. Either way, I had hope, because I trusted him. When he told me to wait, I know he meant it.

And I've waited and waited and I'll wait another six years.

"What if Michael moves on soon?" Morgan sniffles. She'd recently become very free with sharing her emotions around me. I appreciated it.

"Trust me, he hasn't. Morgan, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that he would take you back in a heartbeat. You're the one that ended it." I explain, but she's too hard-headed and stubborn.

Long story short, she got scared. She knew she was going eight hours away for college, and he was staying here. She told me she'd rather do it sooner than later. That it might hurt less.

It absolutely did not hurt less.

I've been the designated emotional support for both of them for months, and quite frankly I was getting tired of pretending to like Call of Duty just to spend time with Michael.

But a happy ending wasn't in the near future. Maybe not ever.

At least it gave me a distraction.

Luke was just someone mentioned in conversation now. I winced when I heard his name, and I felt guilty for feeling like I knew him less than I used to. How do you not speak to someone for three months and feel like nothing has changed?

My worst vision includes him moving to a different school and getting a bunch of attention from girls. I can't help it, I'm crazy. I trusted him, but I don't trust other people.

In reality, I shouldn't trust my own mind.

"If he's not going to follow me to Chicago, I can't do it. I can't do distance, I need to see my boyfriend every day." Morgan spoke like it was set in stone. Truth is, her and Michael are crazy and unpredictable. I can see either of them doing something drastic to stay together, if they would just try.

It frustrated me that they were both here, allowed to be together, and in love, yet they can't work it out.

Morgan had offered me a glass of wine multiple times. I really should just tell my friends that I can't drink, but I couldn't bring myself to. It was just one last secret I had from them, and I intended to keep it that way.

I pictured Luke, worried sick that I'd soothed my heartache by drinking. I know he assumed that I was back to my old habits, and I couldn't wait to prove him wrong and put his worries to ease.

Since my talk with Ms. J, I'd tried to pick myself and put the shattered pieces of myself back together. Some were missing and some were broken and flawed, but I still tried. If I told myself the pieces fit for long enough, maybe they would start to. Maybe I could forget what I'm missing and instead focus on what I will soon have.

A dorm room with a roommate. An 8 a.m psychology class. A propensity to procrastinate my essays. A short drive to the beach. A new group of friends, although I would never forget my old ones.

And hopefully, if it's written in my fate, a boyfriend.

I find myself laughing at the irony of our ending, or rather our pause. Because it's not over. It will never be over. In the end, it wasn't our secret that caused our demise, but rather our families' greed.

"When do you think Luke will be back?" I bravely asked. I tried not to mention him too much. My friends knew it hurt to talk about him.

"When you least expect it." Morgan stated after pausing to think. "He's dramatic."

I laughed. He is a dramatic guy. Not dramatic in his emotions or reactions, but dramatic in just the right way.

Ms. J had given me lots of advice over the past months, perhaps the most helpful of it was 'take it a day at a time'. I woke up each morning with an ounce of hope  and I treated the day like Luke was going to come back. I did my hair and makeup, made sure I washed my face, finished all of my homework, and chatted with my friends. And if he didn't show up, I went to bed hopeful for the next day.

It took me awhile to get to this place. It took many nights of crying myself to sleep and hiding my feelings from my family. I still longed for him to be close, but I knew I had to be patient.

I'd be going off to USC in Los Angeles in two months. I'd have a roommate and a twin size bed and a communal bathroom. So different than what I was used to, and for that reason I was so excited.

After my rollercoaster of a senior year, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

For now, I was focusing on living as myself. Hanging out with my friends. Preparing for independence. Maintaining my sobriety. Learning to coexist with my parents.

It was May. I knew Luke was out there somewhere, about to turn 18, and preparing to graduate from some high school.

He would come back to me soon.
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short filler chapter until the next update but it won't be long 👀