A Year Full Of Surprises

A Year Full Of Surprises - Chapter Forty.

Chapter Forty…

I unlocked the door nervously as we both walked in and situated ourselves on opposing couches. Since this wasn’t likely to be a short talk, we’d decided on coming inside rather than freezing to death in his car or wasting his petrol by keeping the heater on.

I twiddled my thumbs nervously and waited for him to begin. This was his idea, therefore he was the one doing the talking. He coughed, but I still didn’t let my eyes stray from my lap; they were much more comfortable there than gazing into his expressive eyes.

“Look Jess…” He trailed off awkwardly. He may have been the one to suggest this, but I think he liked the idea of it as much as me. “We both know that what happened yesterday shouldn’t have done.” He stated, sticking to facts and not really showing his opinion at all. I didn’t need him to tell me that, it was something I had already come to terms with; the way I still felt about him was not, however.

“I know.” I agreed, my voice calm as I tried not to show any of my actual emotions.

“Do you think we can still be friends without all the awkwardness?” He asked, surprising me. I had kind of imagined this would be him lecturing my about how we’d made a complete mistake and that he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again after what had happened. This was heading down a completely different, yet surprising and relieving, route.

“Of course.” I replied immediately. I couldn’t bare to even think about losing Jord as a friend. He had been there for me without hesitation the whole time and there didn’t need to be a romantic element for me to want to stay friends.

A thankful smile broke out on his face and his eyes sparkled. “Good, because I didn’t even want to consider losing you as a friend.” He explained.

I grinned at him. “Well, there’s definitely no need to worry then.” I informed him.

We both smiled at each other, but I was instantly reminded of what happened yesterday and my good mood evaporated. Yes, we could still be friends, but I somehow doubted it would ever be exactly the same. Could I really make these feelings that had been building inside me disappear as quickly as they had come?

If I stayed friends with him, that was a definite no. Spending time with Jord, seeing his infinite kindness and generosity, plus the fact he had cared when everyone else had turned there back on me, had been what made me fall for him in the first place. Going about our life as normal was never going to help my attraction, it would only make it worse. So, my obvious option was to abandon him now and only see him when I absolutely had to.

That was the ideal option. The realistic option, however, was to carry on struggling with my feelings whilst acting normal. I couldn’t lose Jord, I just couldn’t. It may seem easy in words, but when it came to the doing it part, it was an impossible task. Jord had made my life a lot more bearable, as well as making me feel accepted for me again. Without him, I would still have been with Zack in an unloving relationship, whilst I stuck glued to Mel and she deceived me. I wouldn’t lose his friendship, even if it meant battling my feelings everyday and making me feel worse in the long run. I would give pretty much anything to keep Jord in my life.

Jord noticed my mood drop and was instantly brought back to the reality of our situation. “Jess, I know this will be difficult. I like you, okay? I really like you and this isn’t ideal for me either. I can’t just make these feelings go away and I’m not even sure I want them to. All I know is that this,” he gestured between us, “can’t happen. Not while you’re at school anyway. Right now, all we can be is student and teacher, friends at the max, therefore that’s what we’re sticking to. I’m not willing to risk your education because I’m being selfish.” I opened my mouth to deny that it would be him being selfish, he would be risking his career just as much, but he cut me off. “That’s the final decision Jess. We both know it can’t be any different. I just want to keep you as my friend, I don’t ever want to lose that.”