The Song

Part Twenty-Four

The smell of bacon awoke me the next morning, and pulling on a dressing gown, I stumbled downstairs.

“What’s this?” I asked Aston. He had pretty much destroyed the kitchen, all sorts of breakfast foods cooking on the stove.

“Have a seat,” he said, pointing at the kitchen table with a spatula.

I did what I was told, watching him pour a cup of coffee and deliver it to me.

“Ast?”

“Two minutes!” he said, going back to the stove.

Quickly he served the food on to plates and then laid it out on the table, sitting across from me.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“This is an ‘I’m sorry’ breakfast,” he said.

“I’m sorry? For what?”

“I’m smothering you,I can tell,” he replied, serving food on to my plate, “I didn’t mean to overwhelm you or anything.”

“You’re not.”

“I am. I know I am. It’s just… I’ve got all these feelings for you that I can’t just lock away. So when I’m with you I do feel the need to take care of you. And all of that.”

“You don’t have to apologize for it though,” I said.

“I do, because I can tell I’m getting on your nerves. Like last night.”

“I’m sorry too,” I sighed, “I don’t mean to say things that hurt you.”

“You aren’t.”

“Oh I definitely am,” I replied, “I think I’m just scared that I’m never going to get my memories back. I don’t want to trap you in this world forever.”

“I want to be here,” Aston said.

“I don’t think you do,” I said, “I think eventually you’d grow tired of it. We both saw how you were at the doctor’s yesterday.”

“I guess… But it’s not that easy for me.”

“I think that’s where the disconnect is,” I replied, taking some more bacon, “In my mind it doesn’t make sense that you’d want to live like this.”

“Because you don’t remember what the love between us feels like?” Aston asked.

“Exactly.”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “I’ve been digging through all of my things while you’re at work, and now with the cast off I can’t start trying to play through my songs on the piano. There’s got to be something that’ll trigger a memory.”

“Definitely.”

“And if there isn’t?” I asked.

“We’ll come to that when we get to it,” Aston replied.

“My goal isn’t to ruin your life,” I told him, “I’m trying to help you out.”

“I know,” he sighed, “I just hate the thought of losing you, especially because at the end of the day I know there is nothing I could have done to make this better.”

“Just think about what I said yeah?” I asked, “I’m not going to do anything now, but further down the road if things don’t change…”

“Yeah ok I’ll think about it,” Aston mumbled, getting up from the table quickly.

--

An hour later and I was sat at the piano, trying to pick through a song that was scribbled on lined paper. My left hand was still quite numb, but I was forcing myself to at least try.

“Jess,” Aston said from the door of the piano room.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to work. Camila called to ask if you’d be interested in a late lunch. You don’t mind if she takes you out do you?”

“No that would be great,” I said.

“Cool. She’ll be here in two hours,” Aston said, “Ellie too I think.”

“Great thanks. Have fun at work.”

“I’ll try,” Aston said, “Good luck with the music.”

I smiled faintly at him, turning back to the piano.

For the next two hours I went through different songs, trying to find some hint about my past life. Something jotted down on a piece of paper, or a little melody I’d written… Just something.

By the time Camila arrived to pick me up I wasn’t any further along than I’d been, frustration starting to get the better of me.

“Ellie’s going to meet us,” Camila said as I climbed into the car next to her.

“Cool.”

We drove in silence and then walked into the café, Ellie already sitting at a table. For the next half an hour we chatted about music school and memories I did have. It was oddly relaxing to remember things.

“How’s Aston?” Ellie asked.

“I don’t think he’s particularly loving the situation,” I replied.

“No, I can’t imagine he’d enjoy it.”

“I feel bad,” I said, “I don’t know what to do to help him. He’s doing all sorts of things to help me but I can’t reciprocate because when it comes down to it, he doesn’t exist in my memory.”

“That’s got to be hard for him,” Camila said.

“I told him I don’t know how much longer I can stay with him.”

“What do you mean?” Ellie asked.

“I’m not remembering anything,” I said, “How long do I make him live with and take care of an invalid girl that has no idea who he is?”

“You aren’t an invalid!” Camila laughed.

“But I mean, he keeps expecting me to wake up and remember him. But I don’t. What if I just leave, go somewhere and start fresh. Won’t it give him a chance to start over too?” I asked, “To have a happier life?”

“I don’t think he wants that,” Ellie said, looking over at Camila who shook her head.

“It’s not an ideal way of doing this, I agree, but pretty soon something has to happen.”

“Jess,” Camila said, “I’m not going to stop you from taking a step back from Aston. But just be sure that it’s the only thing you can do. That it’s the last resort.”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding my head gently, “I get that.”

“You loved him so much,” Ellie said, “You two were inseparable.”

“She’s right. I don’t want you to leave, get your memory back, and then come back to find you’ve lost him forever,” Camila added.

“I’ve thought about that,” I said.

“Just be careful.”

I nodded my head, changing the subject. It was hard to talk about Aston because I didn’t know where my head was.

He was a great guy. A really sweet and caring guy. I was sure I could learn to love him again. Positive.

But I was still scared of forcing something that wasn’t real, the pair of us unhappy for the rest of our lives.

I didn’t know what to do.