The Song

Part Twenty-Eight

I spent the next few days laying around Julia’s flat feeling sorry for myself. I was convinced I was making the right decision, but I couldn’t help but feel terrible about it. The way Aston had reacted to the situation had caught at my heartstrings a bit more than I expected it would. He was beyond devastated. And it was all my fault.

“I’m going to Skype Dad,” I told Julia as we finished up dinner.

“Sounds good.”

I grabbed my laptop and set up the call, sitting cross-legged on my bed in Julia’s spare room while I waited for my Dad to sign on.

“Hey sweetheart!” he smiled, “Guess who’s with me?”

“Who?”

A familiar brunette leaned into the shot, “Hey Jess!!!”

“Caroline!” I grinned, waving wildly, “How are you guys!”

“Great! More important question, how are you doing?” she asked.

I let out a deep sigh, running my hand through my hair, “Not so great.”

“Why? What’s going on?” my Dad asked.

“No memories yet. And I think I might be doing the wrong thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Aston and I are getting a divorce,” I said, “I think it’ll be good for him to not be held back by me, but I have this bad feeling about it.”

“Oh honey, why would you do that?” Caroline asked, “I’ve never seen two people more in love.”

“I can’t remember him,” I said, “And I feel like I’m ruining his life.”

“You’re not!”

“I feel like I am. And Mum said that she could sort it in like a week, so I agreed. I think I’m going to sort this out and then go away and start my life fresh since my memories seem lost.”

“Your Mum was involved?” my Dad asked.

“Yeah I went to lunch with her. She thinks it’ll be good for me.”

“She’s nuts Jess. All you’re doing is running away from your life,” he said.

“Maybe I want to,” I said, “Maybe I’m tired of trying to remember my past and I’m ready to start my future. Memories or not.”

“I just think you need to really be positive this is what you want,” Caroline said, “Aston would do anything for you. I don’t think he feels like you’re ruining his life at all.”

“He might not say it, but he’s over this. He told me he wants his wife back. But in my mind I’m not her!” I said.

“Jess…” Caroline sighed, “I just don’t want you to get your memory back and have all sorts of regrets.”

“Would I?”

“Yes.”

I sighed deeply, pushing my hair out of my face, “See this is where I feel awful. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know how this will affect the rest of my life.”

“And what does Aston think?” my Dad asked.

“He’s upset. He threw a plate of food. But he’s not stopping me.”

“He wouldn’t,” Caroline said, “He’d bend over backwards to do what you wanted, even if it hurt him.”

“That’s my problem. I don’t want to hurt him. I’d much rather erase myself from his life, just like he was sort of erased from mine.”

“Jess…”

“I’m serious about the decision is made,” I said, “I don’t think anything can change my mind.”

“Ok, fine,” my Dad said, “But will you do me one thing. Will you speak to him about this one more time before signing those papers?”

“Dad…”

“Jess, I know it seems unpleasant and you’d probably rather just run from all of this. But you need to.”

“Fine,” I said, “I’ll call him later this week.”

“Do it in person.”

“Dad!!!”

“Please. Your Mum is going to push this so it’s done quickly, I want you to be positive that you’re ok with your decision.”

“Fine.”

We spoke for a few more minutes, but it was tense. I was pretty sure that both my father and Caroline were not pleased with what I was doing, but they couldn’t do anything to stop me. And I think they hated that my Mum was behind it.

After I hung up with my Dad I laid back in bed, thinking everything over again. Was I doing the right thing?

Julia came in about half an hour later with a cup of hot chocolate and a frown on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You seem off.”

“I am off,” I said.

“It just sort of bothers me that you aren’t even trying.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

“You’re not even trying to remember,” she replied, “If it were me I’d be doing everything I could to trigger my memories back.”

“I have!” I defended.

“Not really.”

“Yes! I dug through all of my stuff,” I said, “I played through every songbook, listened to every recording. I tried on every dress I own, dug through every drawer of things. There’s nothing there!”

“You’ve hardly talked to any of us about anything. It’s like you don’t want to know what happened the past few years.”

“Woahh!!” I said, “I have too!”

“Well it’s been half-arsed, like always.”

“Oh Julia, just because I’m not you and I don’t have some crazy law degree and some fancy law job like Mum…”

“Don’t you dare compare me to Mum,” Julia said.

“Well you’re acting like her right now.”

“Jess!”

“Listen, I’m sorry Jules, but I don’t need people telling me how to live my life. It’s fucked up enough as it is without people interfering.”

“I’m not having this conversation anymore,” Julia said, standing up and taking the hot chocolate with her, “You’ve lost control.”

“I never had control,” I muttered, watching her slam the door shut behind her. I was so over people getting involved in this situation. I just wanted to sort it out for myself! Which was precisely why I wanted to go away on my own.

Sighing to myself I dragged my duvet over my head, grabbing my phone. I was tempted to text Aston, but I didn’t know what to say and I was pretty sure he didn’t want to see it. There was just this weird emptiness there without him. I almost missed him. He was the only one in all of this who’d constructively helped me out. And he understood when to back off.

Instead of texting him I started to flick through the pictures on my phone. There were all sorts of pictures of Aston and I on there from before the accident. As I lay there, trying to remember just one of those moments, I broke down in tears.

This was too hard.