Chance of Love

Chapter 8

Amanda drove home on automatic pilot. When she got home, she went to bed and stayed there for two days. She had never felt so miserable in her whole life. Mark had been right about her lack of self-respect. She hated herself even more than he probably did. She replayed their final conversation in her mind over and over. She thought of lots of things she should have said. She believed that if Mark really loved her, he would have tried harder to understand her feelings. If, if, if....life was full of 'ifs'; but that didn't change the fact that she was still desperately in love with a man who no longer wanted to have anything to do with her. She certainly hadn't acted like a woman in love. No wonder Mark hadn't wanted to sleep with her.

Amanda's biggest fear had always been rejection. Well, she'd certainly been rejected. And she was still alive, still breathing. She would survive her broken heart, her lost dreams. Her survival skills were at an all-time low, but she would have to do the best she could.

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The day of Amanda's surgery dawned early and cloudless. She'd spent another sleepless night, remembering all her 'firsts' with Mark. Their first dance, their first date, their first kiss. She was filled with regret for everything she had lost.

Her mom picked her up right on time. She noticed how pale Amanda was and asked if she was okay. Amanda told her mom about breaking up with Mark, giving scant details. Her mom was angry at Mark's timing, but Amanda stalled her by saying that it was a mutual decision.

"Hmm," her mom uttered, uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the drive.

Once they arrived at the hospital, everything became a blur to Amanda. She was admitted, changed, and prepped for surgery quicker than she thought possible. She didn't get a chance to say much to her mom before the nurse came to wheel her gurney to the operating room.

"I'm scared, Mom," she said tearfully, not wanting to go any further.

"Everything will be okay, sweetie," her mom replied. "You'll make it through this just fine. If I could handle it, so can you."

Amanda closed her eyes, not wanting her mom to see her tears.

"I'll be here waiting when you get out," her mom called after her.

By the time Amanda was put under by the anaesthetic, she was ready to welcome the oblivion.

******

She was dreaming; her mind was dizzy with images. She was at the airport, running toward Mark's plane. She kept calling his name, but he wouldn't turn around and come back to her. She felt a blackness, a profound sense of emptiness. Her throat and eyes felt raw with grief.

Then the grayness became lighter and she saw an image of Mark. He had a white light shining around him like a halo. And he was smiling at her and holding her hand. The image was so powerful that she could almost smell his aftershave. She felt his lips on hers, gentle and caressing. She cried in relief, never wanting the feeling to end. She was so convinced that he loved her in the foggy dream that she whispered, "I love you" over and over again. She felt unrestricted by emotion, like she had already died and gone to heaven. Nothing would ever hurt her again. She was free to float in nothingness forever.

But wait, the light was fading, growing darker. She was getting colder.

She finally woke up in pain and alone in the recovery room. She cried silently, more from grief than from pain.

******

Amanda's physical recovery was not as difficult as she imagined it would be. By the time she was discharged from the hospital several days later, she was able to convince her mom that she was able to go straight home.