delusion • diluc

xxxiv

! tw: brief panic attack and heavy implications of suicidal thoughts and actions !

please take care when reading and remember it's okay to take breaks!! please don't force urself TT

the panic attack is right at the start! like literally.

• third person •

The sweet sound of birds tweeting whistled through the air outside.

(Y/N) sat on her bed, her eyes struggling to stay open. She was awake, but her body was constantly slipping in and out of consciousness.

Her head rested in her hands, her breath heaving. In, out, in, out.

In, out, in, OUT IN OUT–

BREATHE, for GODS' sake!

Her head pounded, the birds were screeching, she couldn't breathe!

Shaking, shaking, her body convulsed, shaking!

She thought she was prepared. She thought she was prepared.

She couldn't even get herself out of bed.

Her hands reached for the blanket, clutching it, her head falling light. The lack of oxygen was getting to her.

She fell back, hitting her bedsheets. Hurriedly, she reached for her pocket, yanking out two things.

She tugged on the delusion, allowing its black flames to engulf her hand for a moment. The pain instantly brought her back.

Her chest heaved, gasping for air. Sweat trickled down her forehead.

Why am I panicking..?

Her eyes narrowed. A certain white orb was lifted above her face. She sat up, her arms too weak to hold it up.

"That was stupid..." she said with a laugh. "Ah, now my head and my hands hurt." A bittersweet smile became of her lips.

She fiddled with the faded vision, sighing as she wiped her teary eyes.

She wasn't sure how she got home last night. But by now she knew it was probably just Kaeya again.

"Mom," (Y/N) mumbled, her thumb stroking the glass-like orb, "today's the day. For some reason I got scared just now; I had... a dream... A nightmare even."

"It was that I failed. Failed to avenge you. And, and... failed to see you again... I was back at square one again. Except I was hurt... beaten up... pathetically weak. Like I used to be."

"But I'm not weak anymore. Okay... my body feels a lot weaker recently but... my delusion is getting stronger. I'll exact my revenge today, Mom. I know you might not agree but I can't let them free like that. You didn't deserve what they did to you."

(Y/N) clutched the vision, salty droplets splashing onto it.

"It's a shame," she laughed, "it's a shame I ended up like this. I'm still pathetic, Mom. You'd be so... so... disappointed in me. I'm scared... As much as I can't wait... I'm scared of seeing you again. I don't want to see that disappointed look in your eyes."

"Like when you found out about me and Ajax..." Her cheeks reddened. "That was more embarrassing than scary, to be honest..."

"And I even started trusting Maria. I know you always told me to stay away from her and ignore her... But she's helped me so much to exact my revenge. I've become so much stronger with this delusion. I haven't tested it properly on people yet, but..."

(Y/N) rubbed her pulsing forehead. This hangover wasn't going anywhere.

"Anyway... I spent all night at the tavern yesterday. I know you wouldn't want me drinking so unhealthily but it's fine... It doesn't matter anymore now. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Kaeya... since I couldn't find Ajax and... obviously Diluc wouldn't want to see me... haha..."