My Heart (WangXian)

Ch. 2 The pain of losing you-2

A/N The I know the music video isnt a WangXian video but I feel that the lyrics express what Lan Zhan is feeling. He is in pain and the silence is unbearable. He is scared to get close to people (with the exception of Sizhui) but he hates being alone. His heart is screaming for his soulmate and he wonders if anyone can hear or feel his heart. He tries to drown his demons but they are relentless always tormenting him in some way or another. Yes he is suffering from depression. Depression is facing a hell with a different set of demons. I forgot to do this with the first chapter but *trigger warning* for depressive themes and self harming behaviors. Also tell me if the video in the media is missing or if the chapter cover is missing. One or the other keeps going awaym.

2 years of Seclusion

Even though Gege visits me regularly I still feel so lonely. And its killing me. I've never really felt loneliness before. Having never minded being alone before. But after I met him I started to need to be around him but not understanding what I was feeling. But I didnt know true loneliness till my Wei Ying died. I still play Inquiry every night for him but I never get an answer, at least not from him. And when I sleep I'm either tormented by his pain, what could have been, or by him dying. And it's not always how he actually died it can be by other means as well. Of which can be just as haunting. I stop playing Inquiry and sit on the bed. Its dawn. Still no answer. I take up my sleeves to reveal the bare skin of my arms then I summon Bichen to me from across the room. I unsheath Bichen and I make cuts on my arms. They will heal in just a few hours so Gege will never know. And I can just clean up the blood when I'm done. For now I just watch the blood drip, drip on the floor. I sit memorized by it. And feeling myself calm. It hurts a little but only for a couple of seconds then I'm left with a feeling of calm I cant obtain otherwise. I can't do this all the time. When I cant do this I'm either swallowed by the silence. Or tormented by the voices. Some of the voices are his. Sometimes its happy and joyous. Other times his painful cries and screams are all I hear. The other voices are another thing entirely. They always tell me, "You're worthless Lan Wangji why are you even here? Light bringer/bearer what can of light bringer/bearer are you? You only bring darkness. The only one that brought light is dead. And you let him die cause you're a failure. Your soulmate needed love and support but when he needed it the most you were to afraid to show it to him. Lan Wangji you're pathetic. You're a waste of space. You shouldn't even be here. Take care of Sizhui? How are you going to do that? You couldn't even take care of your soulmate. You should punish yourself Lan Wangji. You deserve to be punished. You should really end it all.." I make more cuts to appease the voices and to calm myself even more by watching the blood drip. When and after I cut the voices go silent for awhile. It's a relief. But after awhile the silence can be a killer too. So I don't know which is better, hearing the voices or hearing the silence. But at least when I cut myself and watch the blood drip I feel calm for awhile. I watch the blood drip, drip on the floor feeling my heart calm though their is always pain. Pain unfortunately is always with me. So is the sadness so is the loneliness. So is the self hatred. People have said you cant love others if you cant love yourself. That's not true. I've never loved myself but Oh goodness how I love him. My Wei Ying. I force myself to stop when I've made ten cuts on each arm. I sigh and clean up like it never happened.

Later

I sit staring at the wall. It's quiet. Too quiet. It's like there is no sound in the world. Nothing seems to be here. There is no sound, no color, no light nothing. Just darkness, pain, loneliness and great sadness. No one is coming no one is going. There is only me in this void. Why do I have to be alone. I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all so then I wouldnt care that I was in this void of nothingness by myself with only my pain, loneliness and great sadness as company. Wei Ying are you in a place like this? I dont know how long I've been in this void of nothingness, could be minutes, could be hours, could be days. I dont know. Time seems to have stopped and lost all meaning. Wei Ying. Wei Ying. Wei Ying I need you. Are you there?