Between Then & Now || Currently Editing for Wattys 2022

37.

I needed a breather. Well, I need more than a breather but it's not like I can get much further away from society when I'm already in a van, traveling around the country with absolutely no connection to anyone or anything.

The sky was already dim by the time I had parked the van in the parking lot of some hiking trail in South Dakota. But I needed to get even further away. I needed to just leave the world, just for a moment. I needed to disappear. So, I left my phone in the van, locked things up, and took Thelma with me on a midnight hike.

Hopefully there aren't any bears. All the signs I'd seen driving through the Black Hills mentioned a "Bear Country."

Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

Thelma sniffs around a tree somewhere near the beginning of the trail, and I toy loosely with her leash in my hand. Two weeks ago, I might have studied all the trees and flowers and the clean, clear air and probably the clearest sky I have ever seen in my entire life. A sky that extends forever and ever and ever. But I don't.

Because my father is dying over a thousand miles away.

Because my boyfriend still cheated on me and, no matter how far I run away, I can't change that. 

Because as soon as one good thing comes into my life something just always seems to come up and steal it away.

My eyes snap wide open, snapping out of my trance as Thelma barks and the leash is yanked out of my hand and my heart races, terrified that I had made a terrible mistake and a bear was about to devour me.

But, when I look ahead, I see it's just another fucking squirrel and Thelma had sprinted a few yards ahead to try and get it. But it hasn't moved. And she's stopped dead in her tracks. I blink. They stare at each other. Then, the squirrel is running and Thelma is sprinting down the trail and, after taking a second to realize what's happening, I'm running and trying to catch up but she's too far ahead. But I run and run and run until I'm out of breath and the reality that there's no way I'm going to catch up with a young dog with its eyes set on the squirrel of its dreams.

I'm not sure how far I've ran by the time I've stopped. I lean over, trying to catch my breath and run my hands through my hair. Fuck. Fuck. How is she supposed to find her way back? What if a bear actually finds her and she doesn't realize that there's no way she's going to win that fight and gets eaten? Why the hell does this stuff keep happening to me?

I groan and begin to take in my surroundings. I have absolutely no clue where I am. I have no phone and no map of the trail. I could be on a completely different trail by now. My foot toes the line where the hiking trail's dirt meets grass just before the hill's edge. In the distance, the great expanse of trees stare back at me. I peer over the edge of the cliff, down at the trees lining the canyon below. In the distance, an owl hoots and there's a howl. The sky above is vast, the stars continuing for infinity and infinity and infinity and everything just feels so small. Because I am just a miniscule human with stupid human problems on a tiny ass planet in the middle of some arbitrary solar system spinning on the edge of some random galaxy in the middle of a universe that may or may not even exist.

"When you consider things like the stars, our affairs don't seem to matter much, do they?"

And, in an instant, I'm falling.

Whipped cream. 

We enjoyed meeting with you. 

One month left. 

A black hearse. 

Forgive me. 

Bodies meshing together. 

My grandfather's coffin. 

We wish you the best of luck... 

I'm sorry I hurt you. 

I'm sorry to say. 

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry.

Before I realize what's happening, I'm screaming. In the distance, a flock of birds suddenly fly up from the trees, their tiny bodies silhouetted against the blue-black of the night sky. My chest heaves with each breath I take, my heart pounding, head spinning. For a moment, everything is absolutely silent, and I could swear the earth stands completely still. I stand, frozen in time, only my eyes darting from the trees below to the sky above, scanning the horizon.

The rest of the trail is quiet. And I realize that I am completely alone. There is no one here to hear me. I look up at the moon as it looks back down at me.

And I scream again. And again. And again. Until I don't have a voice to scream with anymore and nothing comes out from between my lips except air and anger and frustration and sadness and, even then, I don't stop

because there is no fucking Prince Charming. There is no happily ever after. I'm not sure what you came here for because, frankly, the world fucking sucks. I don't know what lesson you expected to learn out of me. Life is cruel. We are all going to die and watch people we love die and give birth to children who will one day die. You can and will lose every. Single. Good thing that comes into your life because this reality is temporary and everything must come to an end.

I silently scream again and collapse onto the ground, the gravel of the trail stabbing into my knees as I place my head in my hands. When I pull them away, they are wet, and I punch the grass below me, let the imprint of the ground sting against my knuckles. Tears fall and I let them.

Cry about it. But nobody is going to wipe your tears so remember to bring a tissue.