Between Then & Now || Currently Editing for Wattys 2022

42.

I left shortly after that. I needed to get some food and some fresh air and to somehow manage to stop my brain from spinning inside my skull.

My teeth aggressively sink into my subway sandwich and I glare out the windshield at the car parked in front of me in front of the Subway. He left, he abandoned me because he didn't agree with my mother's sexuality. As if that's any of his business in the first place.

I think back to the first time Ma brought Kai home to introduce to the rest of the family. Kai was so quiet, their dark, brown hair hanging down their shoulders, the same 70's style glasses they still wear everyday set against the bridge of their nose. My mom's eyes were sparkling as Kai shyly stood by the kitchen counter. At first, things were awkward. Kai was the first person my mother had brought home since Tata left, and I think we all maybe just forgot what it was like to have another person in our household.

But then Grandpa, the only Christian member of the family, was the first to step forward. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed, but there were tears in his eyes as he wrapped Kai up in a hug, patting their shoulder and thanking them for

Part of me is still bitter. That someone's religion, that pure blatant homophobia was the reason I didn't have a dad all these years. But part of me also knows that it must have taken a lot to swallow his pride and admit that, maybe, he was wrong. That what he did was wrong. And I felt like it was sincere.

I swallow my bite of the sub and crinkle the wrapper into a ball in my fist. I don't even know him, anymore. I don't recognize him or his voice or any of the possible memories we could have had. Being pissed at a stranger is so odd because, in a way, you feel like you don't have a reason to be mad at them. Because you don't know them. But the whole reason you don't is because of what they did and that is why you're mad.

Thelma whines from in the passenger seat and I smile over at her. A tired smile. I kind of understand why Eeyore was always depressed now. When you have a dark cloud following you around all the time, how could you possibly be anything else? What's the point? I sigh and open my car door, walking over to the other side to let Thelma out to use the bathroom on the boulevard next to the car. I make sure to put her leash on her and hold on tightly this time because I really don't need a squirrel run incident again.

As she sniffs around, I look up at the building beside the van. I'm not sure what it is. It looks like some sort of warehouse, with big windows and red brick. There was no way I was going to stay near the hospital. Not with my dad dying inside. Not when I didn't know if I even wanted to go back.

The sky is cloudy again. I was always told that Washington was always rainy and gray, but I didn't realize how depressed it actually looked all the time. Now, it makes sense and I welcome it.

"What do I do, Grandpa?" I mutter under my breath, kicking a rock with my toe. "What do I do?"

It's crazy how you never really appreciate people until they're gone and you just wish they were there to give you advice. To hug you and tell you everything would be alright. To do all the things they did while they were here. Now, I have no idea where Grandpa is. If he's in the clouds, in Heaven, reincarnated, just not existing, anymore. I don't really care, either, because, wherever he is, there's no changing it. But it doesn't mean that I don't wish he was here right now.

Go back.

My eyes snap up from the ground and I look around, swearing that the voice was real this time. But there's no one else on the street. Just Thelma sniffing the sign pole next to the van. I look up again.

Forgive.

As I look up at the sky, a drop of rain splashes across my forehead. And then another. And another. I look back down, the rain starting to come down, and call for Thelma.

"Here, girl, come on, it's raining." Her ears perk up as she looks over at me and I clap my hands together. "Here, lady."

After I pick her up and put her in the van, I run over to my side, trying to avoid the rain. For a few seconds inside, I just stare ahead at the car in front of me, again. My keys sit in the ignition but I just stare, blankly ahead, hesitant about starting out. Blindly, my hand fumbles for the keys, turning them, but, moving my hand to put the car into drive, I still don't move anywhere.

For you.

I'm not even sure I'm the person who pulls the van out of the spot where I had parked it on the side of the road. But, whoever it is, I am moving. And there is only one place to go.