Between Then & Now || Currently Editing for Wattys 2022

41.

"Hi." The frame of the door feels like it's closing in on me but feels far away at the same time. His hospital bed is covered in wires, reds and blues, the monitor next to his bed beeping incessantly. Beep. Beep. Beep.

His face is pale. I don't recognize it.

"I can't believe you came." He begins to sit up then winces and lies back down. His hospital gown is blue, the white covers of his bed covering the majority of his body. I don't move.

Beep. Beep.

"Come in." His hand wave is weak, slow. "I prayed so much for this. I didn't think I would ever actually see you again. Please sit."

"I can't stay for long," is all I say.

His eyes fall and, for a moment, my heart sinks. Then, his empty drawers, the car missing in the garage, all of his Polish pipes missing from the box on the living room table flash across my mind. I take a step into the room and cross my arms.

"I understand." His voice is hoarse and soft, his body falling back into the hospital bed. 

Silence. I'm not sure what to say. "Why did you want me here?"

He looks up at me, his blue eyes a weak, watery blue. Then, he looks back down. The walls are white. His bed is white. His skin is white.

"I wanted to make things right before-" A pause. A sigh. "Before I couldn't."

A strand of hair falls into my face. At first, I ignore it, then I push it aside. "Make what right?" 

Again, a pause. The smell of bleach stings my nostrils, a door slams down the hallway. Finally, I step forward, my shoes squeaking against the tile floor. When I finally take a seat in the chair at the end of his bed, he looks back up.

"I'm so sorry, Lala." His stare is piecing. I don't recognize the rest of his face, the way his skin droops a bit by his jaw, the bump on his nose, his lack of eyebrows and hair. But his pale, watery blue eyes are as familiar as ever. He breaks his stare, looking down at his hands. "I never meant to leave forever. I always wanted to come back. But things between your mom and me... They were never going to work out."

I just stare at him and cross my eyes, tilting my head for him to continue when he looks up.

"The year I left, your mom came out to me. I still don't understand - she said she was pansexual. She didn't care what gender you were, that she fell in love with souls, not people." He pauses and sighs. "I know it's not right. I know it now. But when that happened, I was so caught up in my own culture, my own religion, that I felt so disgusting. I couldn't stay. I couldn't love her because I thought that what she... who she loved was wrong. That she was wrong."

My eyes widen. All these years. Of wondering, of asking why Tata left. It was because of my mother's sexuality? Because his Bible said it was wrong? No wonder she didn't tell me. How could a twelve year old understand that? Understand that her dad thought her mom was sinning and that that was more important than she was?

"I know it was wrong, Lala. I know that now. And I tried for so long to talk her out of it, to convince her that it was wrong, to... not do that. But I understand now." He looks up at me, again, and holds my stare this time. "I understand that it's her life. And that I should have never placed what I thought about it above you."

I don't say anything for a moment. "You left my mom - you abandoned me for twelve years - because you thought her loving people was wrong? Because they weren't a man?"

"Lala," he sighs and tries to sit up, but lays back down again. "I am so," he catches his breath, "so sorry. I wish I could go back and change things. But I can't and all I could do-" He sighs and rubs his face. "All I could do was reach out to you and try to explain and try to get you to forgive me."

"You missed half of my life," I start, studying the frail man in the hospital bed. "You missed half of my life over it. You missed my high school prom, graduation. I just graduated college."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I hated myself for it for so long, and I was so embarrassed. But I understand now and I'm sorry." He pauses and meets my eyes again. "I understand if you can't forgive me." A few moments pass and I don't say anything. "And I know I don't necessarily deserve it. But if I could have anything before... before. All I would ask for is for you to forgive me."