Solace (Complete)

27. Breakdown

When I came back home, I was a little better then before. I have now thought to get rid of my addiction. I deleted charlie's number from my cell phone so that I won't contact him in my weak moment. I have also flushed out all the drugs that I have hidden in my room in different places. This time I will do this for kol. I will complete my promise.
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A week had passed after the funeral and my condition is getting worse. I stay in my room all the time only Emma Comes in my room with food and I had to act fine in front of her. Sometimes I even shout at her, I don't want her to see me or anyone else for that matter. My body ache most of the times, I feel restless all the time, my body start shaking at times. It's very difficult, I don't think I can keep on going like this. I can't do that on my own. But I have to do this for once and all.

My phone start ringing again for the nth time this week, I know who the caller is without looking because it's the same person who is calling me from the past few days. He also come in our house daily but I refuse to meet him and lock my room door so he won't come in. I don't want Ryan to see me like this, this weak and pathetic. He would start hating me once he see me this miserable. 

My parents also came back from their tour and today they are hosting a dinner on which Miller's are also invited. I also have to be their, Emma told me that my parents were asking for me but I told her to tell them that I am busy but I can't lie for longer. I have to face them so I took a quick shower and changed into a long black hoodie and jeans. I kept my hair open, I am not dressed up as I should be for a dinner but I don't care. My mother would not let it go but infront of Miller's she won't say anything and after dinner I will again lock myself in my room. I sighed and looked my self in the mirror.

Emma knocked on my door and told me that everyone is here and are waiting for me so I moved away from the door and went out of the room towards dining room.

When I reached their everyone was sitting and talking, a seat was free beside Ryan on the right end. He was busy talking with Chris, I was busy in my thoughts when everyone become silence, I looked up to see everyone already staring at me. My hands started shaking.

"Hello" I greeted everyone and rushed to sit beside Ryan I hid my hands in the sleeves of my hoodie and placed them on my lap so no one can see but it wasn't hidden from Ryan and he was looking at my hands.

"Calista why are you wearing this?" My mom asked me, I can feel her anger behind her words but I didn't answer. I want everyone to look away from me but they all were looking at me. Elizabeth was looking at me with confusion.

"Are you okay sweetie?" Elizabeth asked with love.

"Yes" I said and smiled a little at her. She is not my mother but still she can feel that I am not okay and she is not convinced with my words, I can see that on her face but still she let it go.

Ryan started talking about something and everyone's attention moved away from me. I felt relief at that moment. Matt was sitting in front of me, he was looking at me. I raised my brows at him but he shook his head and then start talking with Chris about something. My hands started shaking badly and my eyes also starts watering as I am feeling so disabled right now. My body is not in my control and that thought is tearing me up. A hand came on my shaking hands and started caressing them softly, calming me. I looked up it was Ryan, but he was still talking to someone else. I felt a little better and my shaking also lessened due to his touch.

Dinner was also served and it was time to start eating. Everyone started eating but I didn't move to eat, if I ate everyone will see my shaking hands. I was thinking of what to do when Ryan placed a plate of steak in front of me which he filled for himself, I looked up but he only smiled at me and start making another plate for himself. Matt was looking at our exchange with furrowed eyebrows, from the corner of my eyes I can feel Beth's looking at us too.

"Start eating" he whispered.

"If you want I can feed you too" he joked and smirked a little.

"No I- I can eat myself" I stuttered a little and held fork and knife with strong grasp and started eating.

Everyone was busy eating and conversing when my mom addressed me.

"Kol was your friend?" She asked and my hands stopped.

"Yes" I said.

"You know he was an addict what kind of friends you are making. I didn't expect this from you. You should stay away from these type of people. They are a bad company.." she goes on like this for next five minutes giving me a lecture on who should be my friend or not. I wanted to shout at her that he is dead and he was so much more to me than she can ever be but I controlled myself and stood from my chair angrily while she was still talking and turned around to go back to my room.

"Calista Grace Forbes sit down and finish your food" she ordered sternly.

"I am done" I told her with my back still towards her.

"I said sit down" she again said with a little anger. I can't take it anymore, I get irritated these days even with small things and she is just fucking my mind.

"And I said I am fucking done" I yelled at her looking in her eyes. Everyone looked at my red face fuming with anger. My mom was also looking at me with shock, she thought I would be obedient in front of everyone.

"Calista calm down" my dad said with serious tone.

"Or what?" I shouted at him. He also was shocked at my outburst. Chris came towards me and held my shoulders.

"Calm down" he said softly but I removed his hands with force.

"No I won't, I won't calm down. I hate you, I hate mom, I hate dad, I hate everyone. You are saying bad things about my friend who you don't even met once. He was so much for me more than you guys can ever be. He was always there for me when I needed someone, when my parents were busy on their fucking business tours and you know why because your work is more important than your children." I yelled.

Chris again moved towards me to stop me, he had a pity on his face. I don't need it.

"You know where is kol?" I asked my voice breaking slightly.

"How can you know, you only know what he did but don't know where he is. He is dead, he fucking died. Now I again don't have anyone, I am alone again. But you won't care. And Chris you, you also left me and went away. Everyone leaves me. Elizabeth was always there for me as a mother but she is not my mother, you are. It was your duty to be there for me. They are not my parents but you two are. You always want me to do what you think is best for me, have you ever ask me what I really want to do?" I asked my mother

"No! because you don't care for me or for Chris. You only care for your work. Work work and fucking work." Now everyone was standing, my parents had tears in their eyes but I don't need their pity now. It's too late for that. I am at the point life where I can't return back to how things were before. I had destroyed my life with my own hands.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" I yelled at them and fell on the floor on my knees crying. Someone came and hugged me. I put my head on their shoulder and cried. I cried for the times I felt alone. It was Ryan his comforting scent was all around me. He shushed me.

"Sssh calm down, everything will be alright" he was whispering those things in my ears. He pulled me up with him and started moving towards my room when I stopped him.

"I don't want to go there" I said still crying.

"Okay come with me" he said and took me with him towards his house. He took me to his room and laid me down on his bed. He put the comforter on me and sat on the floor beside me.

"Sleep" he said and caressed my hairs lulling me to sleep. I was half asleep when I heard him saying.

"You are not alone, I am with you" he whispered and I fell into deep slumber.