P.S....I love you //l.s//

End it all.

"useless.. worthless.. ugly.. nobody needs you.."

Those are just a few examples out of everything I get to hear on a day to day basis... hate is normal.. right? Every celebrity gets hate.. I mean not everyone can like me.. right? That would be weird. Everyone is different so it's literally impossible to like everyone. It's normal to get hate from people that don't like you. It's normal to show someone you cant stand them and you don't care about them. Do they have a reason? Actually, no they don't but apparently they enjoy it. They enjoy hurting other people. They enjoy seeing the effect that they have on their victims like lions hunting their prey and then using one single strike to end their pathetic struggles. They feast on your pain and misery.
Does anyone ever realize that? No. No they don't. The consequences of being hated and having people treat you like they are predators and you're their prey are pain.. pain on the inside. Easy to achieve hard to heal.
But then again there are people that can take all this.. they can handle being prey to certain predators and they found their own special surviving mechanisms that get them through it and mentally as far away from the hateful predators as possible but sadly I'm not one of them. I'm a little mouse hunted by lions that got bored and needed something to play with. The only difference is.. I am human. I'm not meant to be prey and the lions are people that hate me.. rightfully so.. probably.. they're not supposed to be predators to their own species but what can I say; life's not always the way its supposed to be and sometimes even civilized humans turn into wild animals.

Nevertheless.. the hateful comments I get from all those people don't seem to be enough.. no all the comments about the way I look, my voice and the way I am aren't enough. My best friend or should I say ex best friend makes sure to put some more shit on top of that. As if constantly being reminded how pathetic I am wasn't enough Harry makes sure to remind me how useless I am to the band, how it would be better without me and how I destroy and ruin everything. I'm slowing them down.. they can't be successful with me but do we not have everything already? 5 albums, movies, perfumes..endless amount of Merch.. we sell out every concert, we went on countless tours around the world and that's not enough for him??? Does he want more? Is there even more at this point?

The answer is simple. So simple that it might sound stupid. It's that he hates me. That's the fucking problem. Not the fact that he wants more. He's smart im sure he knows we are pretty much at the top. Little innocent cute Harry Styles.. polite, role model, breathtaking voice and amazing looks... that Harry behind closed doors? He doesn't exist. At least not anymore when it comes to me.
As long as Liam, Zayn and Niall are around.. He's the perfect little angle but as soon as we're alone his evil  hateful side comes out. One of his insults hurt more than thousand of hateful tweets. The pure hate that I can see in his eyes destroys me on the inside and by now even the other guys realized how distant Harry and I have become. Our friendship that used to be what fascinated everyone is gone.
Back then we fooled around and we were attached at the hip. By now it's the complete opposite. Harry spends his time with Niall while I prefer staying out of everyone's buissnes. I keep finding excuses to get away from Harry and the others because as he said.. I'm slowing them down. I'm useless. I don't want to be a burden to them.

We're on a little break at the moment and our next tour starts in about 3 months. Currently we live close to London and we spend a lot of our time preparing the show.. but the problem with that is.. Harry and I still share the house we bought a few years ago. Most of the time I try to stay out of his sight but in the past few days it's been harder to escape his attacks. It seems they've gotten more and more frequent and harsher these past few weeks and escaping them has been near to impossible. If I'm not in my room he keeps insulting me and keeps making sure that I know how useless I am.. how worthless I am.. but I mean he's right. Who needs me? Who could ever love me?
Love... another problem I should mention.. Harry. As if things aren't bad enough.. I love him. I loved him from the day we met in the bathroom at the X-factor casting.. I just knew he's the one for me. There have been occasional drunk makeouts during our x-Factor time but we never talked about it and blamed it on the alcohol. If only he knew how much it meant to me.. and how much it broke my heart when we just forgot about it. But back then it was worth it. Holding on to that little glimpse of hope that maybe.. just maybe he really might like me back. Maybe he'd have hidden feelings for me he's too scared to admit to. But no. Even that last bit of hope got ripped away from me tearing me apart the second it happened and I never really managed to get the pieces back together.

I thought it'll be easy. Singing, one show after another and traveling around the world. Now I know how hard it is but it's nothing compared to all the problems I'm dealing with. I'd happily play twice the amount of shows if it would stop having Harry hate me. I know I'm ugly and I know I can't sing and yes for gods sake I know Harry will never love me. But one thing I don't know is how to go on knowing all of those things.

Im gay, I'm in a Boyband, the guy who used to be my best friend hates me and there's nothing that keeps me going..
There is no reason to torture myself anymore. There's no reason to love Harry when I know he'll never feel the same for me.
Theres no reason to be in a band if I'm ugly and can't sing.
Theres no reason for me to live because no matter what it won't get better. Maybe if I just wait long enough, maybe then I'll find a way to be happy again but I don't have the strength to do that anymore. I can't and I don't want to fight for something that will never happen so why not end all of this. Why should I not give up and finally do everyone the favor of leaving forever...why?
No fans that hate me.. no Harry who has to deal with my ugly face.. no family that has to be ashamed to call me their son and brother.. no Liam being annoyed by me.. no Zayn.. no Niall and the most important thing .. no me anymore.

I'll be gone and everyone can finally live a normal life without having to deal with me. Without having to look at me and be reminded they're wasting their time with a useless pathetic guy who isn't worth shit.
I could do it quick and painless.. I could just take sleeping pills and then fall asleep without having to wake up ever again.
Or I could jump off a bridge and drown... hang myself.. slit my wrists.
There are so many ways to do it and I'll find the right way to end it. I'll find a way to make everyone happy again.. be happy again and end it all.
Not now but soon. Very soon. I want some more time...one last concert...I want to do what I used to love so much.. but that would mean I have to live for another 3 months until the tour starts and thats too long. I can't go on like this for another 3 months. I cant go back on stage.

There won't be a last concert. I will die. I'll be happy again.