P.S....I love you //l.s//

7. Chapter

Louis Tomlinson. the love of my life. He is dead. I slowly realized what it meant while I watched them taking Louis dead body away. The last thing I was able to say to him was I love you before he was gone.. forever. Louis is dead and there's no going back. I just didn't want to believe it.

"Haz..?", Liam looked at me and gave me a piece of paper. I looked at it and took it slowly. He passed out the others as well.. mine was the longest. It had little dried teardrops all over it and I tried to not cry again when I was reading it but I failed. I completely broke down.

"It's my fault.. it's all my fault..."

Zayn stared at me in anger while trying to calm down Niall and Liam came up to me. I was scared. Louis surely told them the reason as well.
I was ready for Liam to punch me right in the face when he wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"Do you even know what kind of asshole you are Harry? How could you do this to him.. you guys loved each other and you did this.."

"I'm so sorry Liam.. it's my fault but.. I love him Liam!!! I love him."

"Stop saying it's your fault Harry.. nobody expected this to happen.."

"I'm so sorry Liam..."

My voice was barely audible and I just kept crying into his shoulder.. I couldn't calm down. What did I do.. he's not ugly he's the most beautiful human being on this planet.. his voice is unique and amazing.. I love it when he's singing and no matter what any stupid person on Twitter says he's perfect. In my eyes he's always been perfect. Why did I say all those things to him? How could I do something like that.. now he's gone.. forever.
What will happen to me now? One direction? His family? He left all of us because of me. Everyone will hate me. The fans, Niall, zayn, Liam, his family.. just everyone will hate me. And they have every right to do so.. what I did was unforgivable. I'm the reason louis is dead. It's my own fault that I lost the person I loved. Only me. Why did I do that.. why. Why did I not stop being a coward.. I should've told him that all the times we made out.. I loved it. Why did I never tell him how much I really loved him. Why did I treat him like a piece of shit. Why am I such a selfish asshole. I love him.. so much.

"What will happen to one direction?", Nialls voice was quiet and I could hear him crying still.

"Louis wants us to keep going.. he doesn't want the fans to know what happened.. he wants us to stay together. Let's do that for him. After all.. we should make that wish come true...", Liam  was just as sad as we were but as always he was the one thinking straight anyways. There were still about 3 months left until the tour starts.. the first tour without Louis. Concerts.. without Louis. Everything will be different. Lou will just.. not be there. My Louis.. the funny guy.. he won't be there. All his solos.. his voice.. everything will be gone because I majorly fucked up. if I could just go back in time.. I would've never done it. I would've told him that I love him. I would have told him that I want to be with him.. who knows maybe we'd always be together. Have kids.. get married..but that will never happen now. I can't make him happy now. I hurt him so much that he did this to himself.. I hurt him all the time.. something I thought I'd never do.. but I did. I regret it so much. Everything.

° one week later °

Today is the funeral.. I spent the last days alone in my room. The others stayed in the house with me because they don't want to leave me alone.
I only ate when they made me do it and the first time I showered was today.. I just couldn't walk into the bathroom. Everytime I go there I can see Louis on the ground in all of his blood. Dead because I was too late. Dead because I made him do it. Its my fault.. even though the others try to tell me it's not.. I know it is. His family was here as well. They don't hate me but.. that was probably a lie. I explained everything .. they all tried to understand me. By now the fans know as well.
Yesterday we had an interview but I stayed home. I couldn't sit there and tell a lie.
Liam told them that Louis had a fatal car accident. Nobody wanted details.. the shock was too big.
People all over the news and on the internet were grieving. Many fans tweeted us and today they want to put up candles in front of the O2 arena in London. The boys and I maybe want to go there after the funeral. We want to thank them for all the support.

I put on my suit and Liam came to tell me that we need to leave now. There weren't many people. Just his family.. the band.. and someone friends.
I was quiet the whole time and I also didn't say anything when I was asked to. I couldn't stand in front of them and say something.. not after what I did.
I was quiet the whole time.. even when they put his coffin into the big hole on the ground.. I didn't say a thing. I couldn't even cry.
Maybe all my tears where used after this week.

The grave was beautiful. I chose it with his sisters. Even the coffin was perfect..
When everything was over all the people slowly left but I stayed. I looked at the grave and tears started to roll down my face.

"Why Louis.. we could've found a way. Why did you have to die."

I dropped to my knees and cried into my hands.

"Why did you leave me alone louis. I love you! I can't do this without you. I can't go on stage and pretend nothing is wrong. I can't do it without you lou.."

I kept crying and I didn't care who saw me or heard me when I started sobbing. I just let it out.

"Harry...", niall wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his chest.

"Niall I can't do it.. I love him!!!"

"Shhh everything will be okey.. we can do this. Together. I'm sure he's fine wherever he is now."

"He's dead niall!"

He hugged me and after a while he pulled me up again.

"It's late.. we should go. Maybe we should skip the memorial at the O2.."

"Yeah maybe.. but I have to go somewhere before i go home.. ill be back in a bit..",  I got out of his hug and simply left without another word. I knew exactly what I had to do now. The fans deserve the truth. They deserve to know.
I went to the o2 arena without the boys and was shocked about the amount of people that came. People were crying and there were tons of pictures candles and flowers everywhere.
It broke my heart to see our fans like this and I quickly walked through the people and heard a couple people talk before I made my way to the front. Everything turned quiet apart from a few sobs once in a while.

"Hey...I.. thanks for being here and doing this for him.. thank you.", I already started crying and I tried to talk loud enough for the people to hear it.

"You all know that Louis died in a car accident.. but.. that's not the truth. He wanted you to think that. The real reason he died is... it's me. Just me. I was such an asshole. I treated him so wrong and all this time I didn't notice how it broke him. He took his own life because... because he loved me and it broke his heart.. he couldn't go on anymore. The tweet.. you all know which one.. that was.. rightbefore.."

I couldn't finish the sentence and just broke down crying. Everything stayed quiet and noone said anything.

"I-I love him. I love him so so much. When he did it he sent me a message telling me he loves me. I wanted to see him.. to tell him I love him too but it was too late. I couldn't do anything! He was my true love but I was to stupid to admit it. Im so sorry. It was all my fault I'm so so sorry."

Some people started crying again and I couldn't stay here and just ran away. Just away from this place. I didn't know where I was going but I needed to get away.
I reached a little playground and sat down on a swing. My phone kept buzzing the whole time and I took it and saw 4 new trends on Twitter.

#harrystaystrong

#westillloveyouharry

#RIPlarry

#foreverinourheartslouis

I was silently crying. They know the truth but they don't hate me? They still support us?
The worst hashtag for me was RIPLarry... it was true. Maybe we had a chance but now? I'll never know how it is to be with Louis. I'll never marry the love of my life.. I'll never have kids.. nothing. I didn't want anyone else. I want Louis. Just Louis.

After a while I came back home.. it didn't feel like home anymore. Louis was my home... he was the reason this house felt like a home to me.. without him it was just a shell.. something that keeps me safe from rain and the outside world.. nothing more.
I laid down in his bed and took one of his sweaters and cuddled with it.

"I love you Louis."

I cried myself to sleep that night.