P.S....I love you //l.s//

8. Chapter

The funeral was two days ago.
For two days I didn't leave Louis room. It smells like him and all his things are in here.
I kept calling him to listen to his voicemail.. just to hear his voice...
I kept reading his tweet and his message he sent that day.
I destroyed everything. Everything between Louis and me could've been so different if I would've been home sooner that day. Maybe just a few minutes. I wasted so much time.
I was angry at Niall.. he wanted to finish his food... and Paul and the boys.. he brought them home first.. we could've left so much earlier and I couldve been home so much sooner. I could've opened the bathroom right away when he wasn't replying.. Almost an hour of wasted time that decided about his life.. a life that's over now.

I wasn't able to cry anymore. I couldn't do anything. My life was a mess and all I did was sit in Louis room and think. I hated myself for what I did. I was so exhausted. I didn't know what to do anymore. What was I supposed to do without Louis.. knowing I'm the reason he's dead. Knowing that will always haunt me. I will always know that it was my fault and that I'm the reason why louis took his life.

I slowly got up to go to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and took a beer. I sat down on the couch and watched Louis and my favorite movie.. alone. I didn't just have one beer.. and at some point I started laughing.

"Oh loulou.. the things you do.. leaving me all alone..", I giggled and got myself a bottle of whiskey.. I hated whiskey but it was all that I had here.
I walked upstairs and into the bathroom barely being able to walk in a straight line. I sat down right where I found louis. It was clean.. no trace of blood. I leaned against the bathtub and pulled my legs against my chest holding the bottle in front of my legs.
"Louis... im all alone. I don't like being alone. You know.. it's so boring and.. lonely. I feel stupid but.. you left me alone louis.. all alone. Do you even know how hard it was to find you here? Couldn't you just.. do something else? It would've been easier to cut down a rope than to see all this blood.. you're beautiful arms having a big cut on them. Lou.. your body was so pale.. you scared me lou....".

My voice was barely audible but I kept talking.. I didn't notice my tears rolling down my cheeks. I was sitting there for ages just crying and talking to him. I just never got an answer. I mean how.. he's dead. I should be in his place. I did so many wrong things.. if I could just turn back time.

"Harry?? Harry where are you?? Are you in there?!?", I saw zayn coming in.

"There you are.. we were worried you didn't pick up your phone Harry.. is that... Harry!!!", he took the bottle from my hands and put it aside.
"Alcohol isn't the right thing for you right now Harry. You barely eat.. alcohol is bad for you."

"Hey Zayn" my voice was quiet and I couldn't talk properly.

"You're completely shit faced aren't you? Let's get you up big guy..", he pulled me up and pushed me into the shower while I was still completely dressed and turned on the water letting the ice cold stream hit me. I jumped up and instantly started freezing.

"ZAYN ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!",
"Sorry Haz but it helps.. you feeling better?",
"Yeah.. a bit...",
"You need to find something that will distract you Harry.. you can't just hide in Louis room. We all know that you feel miserable but you gotta stay strong Haz.. for Lou.. for our fans. Come on let's get you into some fresh clothes..."

After I dried myself up and Put some fresh clothes on still feeling the effect of the alcohol.. Zayn and i went for a little walk.
He grabbed his cigarettes and lit one for himself.

"I know smoking is bad blabla but.. kinda calms you down tho.. want one?"

I Silently took one and took a deep breath. It burned my throat but it was a nice kind of burning. We sat down on a bench and finished the cigarettes. The good thing about Zayn was.. whenever you needed to talk he would listen to you. But he knew if you wanted to talk or if you needed silence. Right now I didn't want to talk and we just sat there. I didn't feel like talking.. i was drunk and my hair was sticking to my forehead from being wet but I didn't care. It's almost midnight so nobody would see me anywyas and getting sick was my smallest problem right now.

We just sat there in silence. Smoking until the sun slowly came up and we decided to go back.
Zayn hugged me and left when we reached the house.
The first time since louis died I didn't feel like crying and hiding. I was hungry and I really needed to eat something so I walked into the kitchen and grabbed Louis favorite cup after making myself some breakfast and drank his favorite tea out of it. I sang his part from little things while preparing it.

You can't go to bed, without a cup of tea and maybe thats the reason that you talk in your sleep and all those conversations are the secrets that i keep though it makes no sense to me.

If our fans only knew how true that part was.. Lou never went to bed without a cup of tea. I used to make it for him. Sometimes he talked in his sleep and it was the cutest thing ever. I never told him.. I just listened when we shared a bed like we often did. Just cuddling and talking about random stuff.. how could I throw away all those things just because I couldn't handle my feelings.