P.S....I love you //l.s//

4. Chapter

Harry,

you finally have what you always wanted. Didn't you always want me to be gone? At least you always said that to me.. do you even know how much you destroyed me? Do you know how much you hurt me. Not just physically... you turned my life into a nightmare.
You made me hate my life but at least you made me realize how useless and disgusting I really am.  Thank you for opening my eyes Harry.
Thank you for making me see who I really am.
Thanks for 4 years of friendship. Thanks for being a friend and thanks for letting me trust you.. thanks for supporting me and being there for me. Thanks for just existing.. I was happy when I was with you. That's in the past.. those times are over and they have been over for a while.. something must've opened your eyes. Something must've shown you what a disappointment I am. What kind of a huge failure I am. All of those people who hated me.. no matter how much it hurt me.. they're right. They're right about it all. Every hurtful comment.. it was the truth.
And even though it hurts.. I deserved everything you did to me. Every word and punch. I don't deserve anything better. Everything happened for a reason.. maybe it was my faith. Maybe I was never meant to have a good life. Maybe I was never meant to be loved.

Im 23 now.. I was in this band for 5 years. 5 long years of me holding you guys back. I thought we had everything but maybe I was wrong. Im always wrong. Apparently it could be better.. but not as long as I'm around. So I'm doing you a favor by finally leaving. I'm fine now and I'm happy about it. No more stress, no more fighting, no more feelings. Everyone will be better off this way. You will be better off this way. Without me.
I thought this through for a long time. In less than 3 months the tour will start.. and it will be the first tour without me. You'll be so successful! Even more than now. You'll live your life as a band member loved by everyone. Maybe one day when you're old you'll look back to this day and say.. it was good what Louis did. Deep down you all know it was good. Maybe not right away but.. some day. You'll have a family.. kids.. you always wanted a baby Harry. Darcy.. the name you want to give your daughter. I hope you find the right girl and become happy. I hope you'll marry and move into a big house and you'll always tell her stories about your time in a boyband. She'll always be amazed by it.. but you'll always leave out the part of the story where I exist. You'll never tell her about me. The ugly untalented guy.. the useless fifth member no one wanted. But Harry.. do you know the worst part about all of this? The part that's breaking my heart day after day?

Deep down I always hoped to be happy with you.. have a baby and a house together. I hoped to marry you one day. Grow old with you. I love you Harry. You were right all this time.. I'm gay. Yes I'm gay and I love Harry Styles. So what. I wish that's what I could've said all along but instead I had to hide it from the world from you and from myself.
I always knew you don't feel that way so why get my hopes up when there's no chance for us.
I loved it when we used to cuddle while watching movies.. the drunk makeouts.. you always blamed it on the alcohol but do you wanna know a secret?
Most of the time I wasn't even that drunk. I did it fully knowing what I'm doing. I didn't care how much it broke my heart every time. I really didn't fucking care because all I cared about was being close to you even if it was for a split second it was more than enough for me. I hurt myself by doing it every single time but I'm used to pain by now. Pain became a routine for me.
Every time I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom .. cutting my arms open.. that's when I think about the things you said to me.. the things everyone is saying to me. All those hurtful things. Every insult... every time you punched me.. I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything anymore. That was my way to feel again. Controlling the pain... when I lost all control over my life. I needed some sort of control even if it was just that it was enough for the moment to feel less powerless. Less weak.

The only thing I want is for you to be happy. Everytime you smile I wish I was the reason for that smile.. I always imagined what it would be like if you loved me... but you don't. You never will. Never. I'm gay.. you hate me.. how could anyone ever love someone like me? There's nothing to love and I know that. I know that everything about me is wrong. You're right about that Harry.

I love you Harry, so much.
Goodbye

Louis x

I was crying and my tears dripped onto the paper. That's it.. it's over.
I slowly got up and took my phone, the letters and a little box filled with pills that I was hiding under my pillow and slowly walked into the bathroom. I wanted to die. I didn't want to live anymore and I wanted to end it all. Now. I'll be dead and thinking about that made me smile. I was happy.. very happy. For the first time in forever I wasn't sad. I felt great. I quickly grabbed my laptop and then locked myself into the bathroom.
One last time i looked into the mirror. One last time I felt disgusted by myself.. but I smiled. Something I didn't do in a very long time. I took a fresh razor blade and looked at it. Such a small little thing can cause something so big.. death. Weird isn't it?

There was nothing holding me back. The door was locked, i had my pills a blade and finally it was time to end it.