P.S....I love you //l.s//

1. Chapter

Niall:

Hey Lou wanna hang out and have a movie night? The others will be there too xx

Louis:

No thanks I'm tired :)

Another lie. Lying became normal but is it really a lie when its just a way to keep me safe? Safe from getting hurt.. it might be a lie but to me its a necessity.
The truth? I'm in the bathroom. Sitting on the floor and staring at the wall. Harry just left after attacking me again. Verbally, but sometimes that hurts more than a physical attack ever could. I'm crying again while trying to calm myself down but no matter what I do it doesn't work.. what he said.. it just hurt too much.

"You disgusting little fag.. god I fucking hate you Louis! Do you think anyone will ever feel different about you? Just the fact that you look like that.. god!! My grandma looks better than you and she's dead and rotting in a grave! Id still rather look at that than your pathetic face.. aww crying again? Bo fucking hoo. Get a grip and at least act like a normal person if you cant even look like that."

I keep telling him I'm not gay but he's convinced that I am. It's not that he's wrong about it but I don't need to tell him that about myself. It's enough that he hates me for the way I look, talk sing.. and pretty much everything else. At least my sexuality could be something he doesn't attack but I guess that would be too much to ask for.
While thinking about all the things he said not just today but in the past few weeks I slowly pulled up my left sleeve. I looked at the scars on my arm.. yeah I know it's a horrible way to deal with things but what am I supposed to do?! Everything is out of control and that way .. I get to control a little part of my life even if it's just pain. I need some sort of coping mechanism.. everyone does.. and even if it's wrong I guess this is mine. Who cares anyways it's not like anyone ever really gives me a second glance and would notice it.
I slowly brushed my finger over a few cuts that are older. I deserve this. I deserve every single cut.. I deserve the pain. I deserve to see the failure I am and i deserve to be reminded of it every second of my miserable life.

I was holding onto the blade that I picked up from the floor like my life depended on it and in some way.. it did. I could just go a little de- no. Not yet. Not today. Harry could be back soon.. too soon and still I couldn't find a way to escape the urge. I pushed the little piece of metal against my skin and watched it leaving a red mark that soon got covered in blood. Not deep enough for serious damage but just enough to feel the stinging pain filling my body and making me go numb to the outside world.

Because I'm ugly.

Because I can't sing.

Because Harry will never love me.

Because I'm gay.

Because I'm weak.

Because I'm a coward.

Because everyone hates me.

Because I'm a disappointment.

Because I'm a failure.

Because I'm pathetic.

Because I am me.

I watched the blood that came out of my cuts and I let it drip down my arm not making a single sound for a while.
When the pain slowly faded I got up and put my arm under some cold water enjoying the stinging feeling when it hit my cuts and washed away the blood. I didn't put a bandage on them.. why would I nobody will notice anyways and a bandage would just be too obvious. I pressed a towel onto them to stop the bleeding and waited.
When I was sure that it stopped I rolled down my sleeve and hid my razor blade beneath my socks where I had all of them and got into my bed.

I knew I couldn't sleep yet so I went on Twitter even though that never turned out to be a good idea.

1Dupdate34 @Louis_Tomlinson
arent you ashamed for being such an ugly fuck next to all the others? 

Stopthisdream @Louis_Tomlinson ehm please for the love of god take voice lessons my ears are bleeding 

Niallismybabe @Louis_Tomlinson please do us a favor and leave the band.

I kept scrolling through the tweets and the few that weren't hate comments .. I ignored them. They just pitied me and lied to make me feel better. Trying to be nice while sharing the opinions of all the other people. Harry said that. He must be right about it. He does get hate here and there but.. it's rare. Sometimes the boys read out hate comments that they got and make jokes about them. Replying sarcastically and laughing about the wrong assumptions some fans made about them. I stay out of that because there's nothing to joke about when it comes to the comments I get. They are the truth.. it's sad but that's what it is. The only person who knew that I got so much hate used to be Liam but he said it's normal and the others just ignore it. Telling me someone's always gotta be the one who gets all the shit and i should just "ignore it". It doesn't affect them but who could blame them for saying that.. ? Nobody cares about me so why would they care about weak little Louis being a crybaby because of some mean comments.
Everyone hates me. Nobody loves me. My family is probably happy that I'm never home anymore, I mean they never really call or ask for me to visit so obviously they don't miss me and soon I won't bother anyone ever again. Not them, not the fans, not the band and especially not Harry. It'll be over soon and nights like this won't happen again. No crying, no overthinking just nothing.

I often think about death.. What happens when you die? Is there a white light? Is there something like heaven or hell? Is there life after death? Is everything just a big load of bullshit?
My theory is that .. when you die apparently your soul leaves your body.. I don't believe that. Whats a Soul? Emotions? Everything you are? No. A soul is just some made up fairytale bullshit story because people always need an explanation for everything. Once youre dead you're dead. Easy. There's nothing else. No such thing as a soul or reincarnation. No heaven or hell, no white light, no life after death. Nothing. Black and empty. Everything's just made up shit if you ask me. The second you die everything's over there's nothing you're gone. People cant handle the thought of everything being over. They need to be in control and even after they die they want to know what's going on but they cant. And they wont ever be able to. You don't know that you're dead. You're just.. gone. It's hard to explain but that's how I feel about death. I've never been religious but.. honestly who can prove that there's heaven? A god? If there was one why do i have to feel this way and why do I have to life like this. Theres no one. Nobody.

That's why I want to die. Everything will be over.. an end for all the suffering and pain, I don't have to worry about being in another universe and if anyone is sad that I died.. well that's not gonna happen anyways. I already know that no one will be sad. I need to end all of my problems and that's the last possible way to do it. It's selfish but it's the only thing that's left to do for me I can't fight anymore and I don't want to fight anymore. I have no purpose in this world and I never will have one. I'm just done. I'm done trying. I'm done fighting. I'm done with being me.. no I'm done being. Period.