Can't Unlove Her

Chapter 19

Jema's

Ilang minuto na akong nagpapagulong-gulong sa kama. Ang sakit na din ng buhok ko kakasabunot ko rito.

It's already 9:00 in the morning but I'm still here in my bed. I don't have the strength to go down and face her.

"Gucci!"

Wala pa akong maayos na tulog at kahit pilitin ko pang ipikit ang mga mata ko, hindi naman ako dinadalaw ng antok.

What happened yesterday really hunting me down.

I can't just bring back to normal my heartbeat as well as my mind.

Paulit-ulit kong nakikita si Deanna and she's making me crazy.

Did I just indirectly confessed to her?

I admit, crush ko siya.

Bakit parang hindi kayo naniniwala?

I can't have a crush on her?

Or hindi kayo naniniwalang crush ko lang siya?

Fine, more than that I like her.

I'm so sure that I like her but if it's more than liking, that's what I'm not sure of.

Siguro kung sa dating ako ang pag-uusapan, hindi ko talaga aamining may nagugustuhan na ako lalo na't babae pa, but it's different now.

Tapos na ako sa part na natatakot pa ako at in denial sa kung ano o sino ang gusto ko.

I can't be this open before.

Kaya nga sobra ang galit ko noon kay Fhen dahil ang dami kong ginawa para sa kaniya. Tinapangan ko ang loob ko at umamin ako sa kung ano talaga ako dahil gusto kong maging maayos ang relasyon namin if ever man na sinagot ko siya, good thing it didn't happened.

Dahil din dun kung bakit nasira ang tiwala ko. I'm a playgirl before I met Fhen but it got worse after what she did to me.

I lost trust in everyone, man or woman except Dad and Kyla. What Fhen did to me was also a factor in why I didn't want to see other people inside our house. I thought always that they would just fool us like what she did to me.

I know that what I'm doing doesn't seem fair even Dad didn't like it either.

He does not tolerate me but he understands me as his daugher. He knew that it had not been easy for me to forget what had happened and what I was doing was only a defense mechanism to never get hurt again.

But I'm not gonna protect myself or gives a lot of excuses. You can blame or get mad at me all you want, I'll accept it and take the responsibility for my actions. I'm aware how poor is my behavior and attitude is and I'm not proud of it.

Probably, Dad didn't know that I knew that he was helping all those I had laid off.

He paid them triple, gives scholarship, house and even gave them a job at his mall. Actually, nakikita ko sila sa mall when I was strolling around but I pretended not to know them dahil pakiramdam ko ay ayaw din naman nilang pansinin ko sila.

I deserve it anyway.

That's how great my Dad is and I love him so much for saving me all the time when it was never his fault but mine.

Back to Deanna.

She's the opposite of Fhen.

I met Fhen back then who was very sensible. In everything I wanted to do, whether it was drinking or running away from home, she supported me and even accompanied me. She never forbade and reprimanded me.