Beautiful Days

Chapter 47 -Ghosts-

Pain… Loss… Despair… Sadness… Anger… A deep hole.

That is what it felt like to me… Like the ground was breaking beneath me, removing my balance, my hold on everything and I fell… fell… fell to the deepest endless bottom and I could never return. How could I? How could we…?

They say that everyone experiences pain and loss differently and that it will eventually subside. Time heals all wounds, right? But does that also count when you give your children away? You do not only feel your own pain and loss, but you also always have to think about the pain of your child… The cries of pain… The calls for her Mommy and Daddy. The silent why… The tears of sadness…

You carry twice the load, because you also have think about how your children are doing, if they are in pain, do they miss us? Are they safe? Will they be cared for? Is there someone to take them into his or her arms and soothe them? Does someone wipe their tears away with a kiss? Do they sing them a lullaby? Do they give them a kiss before they fall asleep? Are they returning a loving smile? Will they love them as much as we love them? My mind tells me it’s impossible, but I have to believe that our children are loved every day of their life and even if our love isn’t enough anymore, we will never stop to love them unconditionally. We are their parents… We love them. But how it hurts to know that it isn’t enough anymore…

The first hours after… we didn’t drive any further than the forest line. I lay in Carlisle’s arms and held him as much as he held me. We both were sobbing and crying. We couldn’t function right now, it was all too much. Not one word was uttered nor did we look at each other, we were just in the arms of the other and enjoyed and needed the proximity.

As the last sunrays disappeared and the forest lost its mythical green glow, we slowly came back to our senses, at least in parts. Slowly, very slowly we started to function again, step by step. I believe that Carlisle and I could have stayed in the embrace of the other for days, but somewhere buried deep in our minds, we knew well enough that we had to go on, we didn’t even have time to miss our children…

We had to get home as fast as possible to not lead the Volturi to Forks and consequently our children. And that was the only reason why we slowly got over to my seat and Carlisle started the car. But we were ghosts… Just an empty shell forced to work…

I sat on the passenger seat, my head resting on my knees and I rocked myself slightly. The world outside rushed by so fast that I didn’t see anything but a blur of grey, black and the occasional lights of the highway or cities far away. My body told me to sleep as the night ticked away, but my mind kept me wide awake with a wild and overwhelming mix of emotions and reproaches. I didn’t have a clue as to how late it really was as we drove off the highway for the first time, but the first sunrays already appeared on the horizon… I could hardly sit upright anymore and my eye lids threatened to close for the much needed sleep, but I still fought against it. How could I sleep when I didn’t even know if my children were fine? I was so used to bring them to bed and see them sleeping that it felt weird to fall asleep now without saying good night to our two miracles…

As we drove onto the next highway, the sun slowly rose and I already felt like being in a sleepless trance of some sort, but I couldn’t sleep… The feeling of emptiness just wouldn’t leave! I’d kept to myself the entire night, I didn’t even look at Carlisle once nor did he say one word. Empty… just like I’d said. Only after probably another few hours on the highway, did Carlisle sigh and reach over to me with his hand. My body and mind relaxed at once as he touched my knee and I closed my eyes as I sighed in relief.

“Sleep, Esme,” he whispered. I looked over to him with half closed eye lids and tried to read his expression. He seemed quite worried for me, but it was hard to judge considering that a thousand emotions were probably cursing through him as well.