9/11/21
Sitting infront of the single with so much to say but the words won't comes out.
It's a mess inside but it all looks like a beautiful sunset from outside. Blaming everything on the phone they thought taking it away would make me sleep.
They're wrong. I'm still awake. Thinking again. What they ask ?. I don't know if I should voice it out. They'll judge me that's what my mind says they'll embrace me with my faults heart said.
So I did again yet the wrong thing. I let my walls down. I told them how I feel. Yet again my mind won another of these battles. 'Ego' 'Attitude' these words they said.
In the end it's my phone who's the one to blame. My music to blame, says my thinking is wrong. Ends up with everything I do is WRONG.
I won't cut myself again I promise not to hurt the people around me but do they promise that to themself that too ?. Why don't they see things with my eyes ? Why don't they stand in my shoes and say those words again. Yeah they've got worse but I'm not them, they're not me. Too weak, pathetic, looser, unlovable, egoistic the words they scream. The dizziness I feel whenever I stand but do they notice that ? Probably watching me using my phone and ruining my life through my own hands they say.
These voices screaming through my head "they don't love you because I don't too , you're just hurting them again like you always do". I want to be alone just leave me be. Maybe I'll come back alive Maybe.
I don't know till when I can walk like this maybe I'll fall or run through it. I don't share things with them, maybe I do just they don't notice.
-late night diaries.
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Blue & Grey
Non-FictionA diary written by a suicidal and depressed soul going through the hardest time fighting her own inner demons. My diary. 💜
