Blue & Grey

18.

25/6/22

I must've read a hundred of books since I've known how to read. But the one thing constant in all those books were "The Happy Ending ". Grew up thinking I'll be having one too. But the reality played it's role in my imaginative world.

My grandpa was bedridden, struggling to do simple things he used to do in his sleep. I was brought into a small room where I'll soon be having my childhood memories in. Born as the second child after 4 years of my elder sister. I was quite for a new born child, never crying or throwing a tantrum for nothing in particular. Sleeping all day was one of a gift from the fairies.

Nine months after they got the news that my elder sister will have two younger siblings. With another being coming and the bump getting bigger she couldn't take care of the still 1 year old baby.
So I was sent to my granny's house.

I remember waking up to cartoon playing on the T.V. having breakfast made just for me with my granny singing the old 80's songs. Having bath in a small bathroom but with big splashes here and there. After all the work done we'd go for a walk in the park. Making friends and playing the infamous Hide and seek game thinking if my elder sister will also play with me someday, until the sun sets and it's time to go home. I remember having fun all day laughing, playing, doing all the things a small child does.
But crying at night. After my granny slept tierd from taking care of a child. Afraid of the monsters in the dark. Wanting nothing but just a comforting hand of my mom.

Going into my early teen. It was just like another teen going through things. Thinking my mom loves my younger sibling more. Crying for nothing and being the problematic child. Making forever friendships in school, playing with cousin with no care to the world. Dreaming of becoming an adult. And looking forward to the " Happily ever after ".

Days, months, and years after when everyone thought I will become a smart, beautiful and happy grown up girl. I became a depressed and suicidal person. But, they didn't knew. One thing I grew up, the thing I am the best at. Is faking my happiness.

The 3 year old child woke up to cartoon and smiled throughout the day infront of her granny never letting her know that she misses her mother. The teen who joked around the house still cried because she still couldn't sleep not because of the monsters but because of things that happened throughout the day.

Disappointing all the people who hoped for me to become just like my elder sister, hardworking, smart, beautiful. I  became a disappointment.

The books taught me " After the deadly storm, the flower bloomed more beautifully ".
The reality showed the hidden story of the flower which was torn apart and blew away with the storm. Who didn't survived to saw the after peace of the storm. 

- late night diaries.