Blue & Grey

17.

3/6/22

I've been feeling shitty these few days. It was so perfect last month. I wasn't feeling like to kill myself or to eat less because I thought I was getting fat or even hesitate to even smile, the genuine smile. I feared the happy time won't last long and it did. I thought the voices inside her head was gone for good but here it is whispering again.

It feels like shit sitting with people I call friends but still feeling alone, unwanted. Tried talking and making an effort to actually be in the conversation they all are talking about but it's just does not feel right.

It's like standing in a crowded street and people just go through you. Like I'm invisible.

Always thinking about ways to kill myself but still wears seatbelts, thinking about getting hit by a car but still watching the road while crossing.

Thinking about person who don't give a shit about me and ignoring the one's who was trying to talk.
Watching the clouds cleared after the rain waiting to feel that for myself. Feeling bad right after being a little rude to a person because because they misspoke to me. Blaming myself for every single emotion I felt.

Bottling up these emotions inside. The jars stocking up all the space. Wearing the mask of happiness.

I just wish to be normal, to belong, To be Happy.

-late night diaries.