Blue & Grey

11.

26/12/21

Suicide.
Someone said "The person who commits suicide dies once. But Those left behind die a thousand death".
wrong.
The person who committed suicide dies every day, every hour, every minute, every second, before they finally give up... give up trying not to DIE. She died when she faked her smile, she died when she pretended to be fine, she died when she stopped those Tears from falling not because she didn't wanted anyone to know but because she fear the judgment, the reactions of her OWN loved ones.

She's the girl that talk others out of suicide, but has a hard time doing the same for herself. She truthfully assures everyone how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they are, because she doesn't want them to feel the same way she does; the opposite.

They says we should LOVE OURSELVES...
She does love herself. She admired herself every single day looking into the mirror trying to block every negative thought and try to love herself more.
But is it enough? Is it enough just for her to love herself?
At one point we all need somone to remind us that yes you are loved yes you are important. At one point in our life we all find ourselves in the middle of the storm with dark clouds surrounding the sea with so much emotions that makes us feel exhausted trying to get to the shore far from the storm but will she be able to cross the sea ALONE ?

She died when the only reason she's haven't killed herself yet is because she don't want to hurt ANYONE but the reason she wants to kill herself is because EVERYONE is hurting her.

She died when she finally let down her walls and let the demons inside her take the wheel which she was struggling to control all this time.
She didn't died on the Saturday morning of August 2021, she was dead back since August 2018. Living like a empty shell with fear that this will be her last breath, with sadness that THEY will be crying AFTER my death but were not here to cry WITH me.

She died when she lost the only hope that maybe, maybe someday someone will help her to cross the sea and enjoy the sunlight with her after the dreadful storm.

-late night diaries.