When the dead roam - (Daryl Dixon)

Chapter 77 - I blame me

She sat besides the shallow graves, picking at the uneven dirt around her. The more she tried, the less she came up with an appropriate apology for Maggie; 'I'm sorry I got your husband killed' just didn't seem good enough. Two wooden cross's had been shoved into the dirt, allowing them somewhere to grieve for their friends and a small pocket watch lay at the bottom of one. Glenn's.

"Lou, you okay?" Jesus asked quietly, lowering himself to the small patch of grass and perching next to her. "Maggie's askin' for you"

"I can't" she sighed, staring at the small pile of dirt in her hand. "I can't face her"

"She doesn't blame you"

She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. "I do. I blame me. It's funny cause...I try so hard to keep people out...to hold them at arms length - getting close means getting hurt - but somehow their group just...wormed their way in and I started to care" she cleared her throat. "And then I got them killed"

"It wasn't your fault" he insisted, placing a hand on top of hers.

She raised her eyebrows and moved her hand away from his. "You keep saying that Paul but we both know it's a load of shit"

"Lou-"

"I played my mouth, just like I always do and I got him killed" she stated before wiping her nose and bring her knees up to her chest. "Anyway, you weren't even there"

"Maybe not but I do understand how you feel"

Louise exhaled deeply. "Sorry"

"It's alright. Despite everything, I still care about you, Lou" he said softly. "I didn't mean to leave things like I did. I really meant to come back but things just...got in the way"

"You didn't even leave a note" she sighed, wiping any stray tears off her cheeks. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to tell a five years old that her only friend up and left her?"

Jesus closed his eyes tightly. "I'm sorry, I really am"

"We looked for you for a while but eventually" She pursed her lips. "I think in the end, she believed that you were imaginary...easier for her to cope with I guess...and then she died and I was alone...and then I sent Shaun away" her voice broke slightly. "And then Daryl-"

"You'll get him back"

Louise shook her head. "Maggie and the baby, are they okay?"

"They're both fine"

She visibly relaxed a little and scooped up another pile of dirt before letting it slip between her fingers once more.

"Why did you bring her here if you weren't going to see her?" he asked, resulting in her shrugged her shoulders.

"I had to make sure they were both okay"

"But why didn't you stay with your family? With everyone in Alexandria?"

"My family was beaten, murdered and taken hostage by a mad man with a baseball bat" she snapped, pushing herself up from the ground. She wiped her hands on her dirty jeans and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You can still get him back" he said, looking up at her.

"I know" she stated. "And I will, by any means necessary" she took a few steps before looking over her shoulder. "Tell Maggie...tell her I'm sorry, okay?"

- - - - - - -

By the next morning, Louise had arrived back at Alexandria without a single word. She had made the journey on foot, narrowly avoiding the walking dead and camping out in the trees. It had been a long time since she had been alone and for the first time, Louise found herself longing for the company of another human being.

She marched towards the armory quickly, avoiding unwanted conversations and keeping her eyes on the ground. With a grunt, she tugged the shutter open and made her way through the hallways towards their stash of weapons.

"Olivia?" she called out. When nobody answered she let out a sigh of relief and pushed open the large oak door. Inside were hundreds of guns that they had stolen from the Saviors, piled up in boxes and hanging on the badly painted walls.

Lids flew to the floor and boxes of bullets bounced off the concrete as she shuffled through their defenses. Rifle after rifle were retrieved, carefully placed on the corner table before she returned for more.

"What are you doing?" Rick asked from the doorway.

"I'm gettin' him back, he's already been in there two days" she stated, refusing to look up from the loaded pistol in her hand.

"Lou" she ignored him. "Louise!"

"No, Rick, no!" she snapped, turning to face him. "There is no way I'm leaving him in there with that fuckin' psycho!"

"You're gonna get yourself killed" he said calmly, attempting to reason with the hunter.

"Maybe" she nodded. "But at least I'll die doin' somethin' important. You can stay here"

"And do what?"

"I don't care!"

Rick sighed and shook his head. She attempted to barge past him but he wrapped his fingers around the handle of her bag and pulled it from her grip.

"You can't do this, Lou"

"I'm gonna go save the man that I..." she cleared her throat. "I'm gonna go save him from a psychotic narcissist. Are you going to help or not?"

The sheriff sighed. "You go out there, we all die, don't you get that?"

"Of course I get that, Rick. Of course I do but am I supposed to just leave him in there?" she asked, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "Hope they'll have mercy and give him back?"

"We don't have a choice"

She scoffed loudly. "There's always a choice. You chose to lead these people and they chose to follow. I chose this group over my own flesh and blood. Daryl...Daryl chose to defend me. He was trying to help me. Glenn's death is on me. Daryl being taken, is on me and now its up to me, to save him. So tell me, do you understand that, Sheriff?"

He nodded bleakly.

"Good" she said, yanking the bag from his hands. "Now get out of my way"

"I understand but I still can't let you do it"

"Why not?"

"'Cause we can't afford anyone else to die. We can't loose anybody else - I can't loose anybody else"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I can't just leave him in there..."

Rick locked eyes with hers and placed a hand on either side of her face. He knew that she was right, they couldn't let him suffer in captivity but if saving Daryl meant killing more of their group, even the hunter himself would tell them to back down.

"I should have told him" she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. The tears that had brimmed her eyes dropped and she closed her eyes tightly. "I should have told him how I felt when I had the chance"

The sheriff sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around her. "You'll get another chance - but we have to be smart about this. Do you even know where they live?"

Louise shook her head and moved past Rick. "But I'm gonna find out"