How I Leave You

In My Dreams

 I wait for what feels like hours. Feels like it, but could not possibly be. For he would not do that to me. Would not let me suffer through that.

I don't know how long it takes me to give up hope that he is going to return to our chambers. When I do, even the Moon has gone to bed, hidden behind a pillow of clouds, leaving me to my dark solitude.

The children are long asleep. Twice I checked on them. Sometimes, they lay so still when sleeping that I have to make sure they're still breathing. They always are, but that does not stop me from worrying.

It is almost morning when I hear the heavy boots against the stone. I am not in bed, for I could not sleep even if I wanted to. Instead, I stand by the window when Thorin opens the oaken door. I do not turn around to look at him. Not even when he closes it.

"I thought you would not return," is all I say.

I hear his footsteps, quiet as they come towards me. Silent as they stop.

"I am still a king, even if you leave my side."

This makes me turn around.

"I was humiliated," I say, forcing him to look at me as I say it.

Forcing him to confront the pain he has caused me. But apparently he does not see. Won't, maybe. Or perhaps he just doesn't care.

"You ran away like a child."

He almost spits it out, as though the thought of it makes him sick.

"You acted like a child!" I say, taking a step closer to him. "You think I do not know what accepting her proposal to dance was for? Do you think me that blind?"

"No," he says, calmly. "Though I did not think you that foolish."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It was a dance, Ilwien." He steps closer, too. "She is a Lady of my court. A Lady whose father holds great sway with the council, and an even greater sway with weapons than with words. We need them on our side. If war were to break out—"

"Oh, do not feed me that. I will not have another moment of it. You cannot look at me and honestly say that you held out your arm to her with war in mind. Do not try to convince me that you danced with her to the beat of battle instead of music."

"She is a Lady of my court, Ilwien."

"To you, perhaps. Probably to everyone else, too. But to me? To me, she is the woman who almost came between us. The woman who has come between us. She is who you were once engaged to, and who would do anything to be so again."

He goes quiet. This scares me even more than his rage, for in his silence, I feel him retreat from me.

"Do you think so little of me?" he asks, the question low and deep. "That at the first sign of trouble, I would run to someone else?" What is it in his voice? Is it pain— or disappointment? "Need I remind you, woman, that it is you who is on the verge of leaving me?"

The breath is knocked out of me like he just hit me in the ribs. It hurts.

"I have no choice."

"You always have a choice. A queen always has a choice."

"Yes," I say, gaining composure again. "A queen of a people who likely has been without one for centuries. How am I to turn my back on them? What if they need me, and I am not there?"

They did need me, and I was not there. The words are unspoken, but they still ring true.

"And what if I need you?" Thorin asks, moving yet closer to me. "Would you be there?" His face is within an inch of my own. "Would you stay?"