Life is Beautiful

What love is.

  January 30, 2009

Dear Charlie,

  It’s really early, I’m at a coffee shop, I just met with Annabel.  She doesn’t know what she wants; at least that’s what she told me. “I know you’re a nice guy, and we had our moments. But Jonah and I have history, and I think I still love him.” I stood there silent for I think 5 minutes. Not knowing what to say, I was having a flashback of when I was younger, and dad moved away, telling Mother “I have history back in Europe” Mother burst into tears, and the bastard didn’t even tried to calm her down! I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t understand what was happening until after a while when I was older. He just stood there looking at her waiting for a response. Mother kept crying she even forgot I was there. But I didn’t have the flashback because of my Mother, but because I felt or I think I felt as my dad felt when he said he was leaving.  

 I felt numb, just staring at the coffee cup. All I could think was what is love? I remember her saying to me that she loved me. But now she comes here and says she loves Jonah. I just said "ok" she then left frustrated. Maybe she was expecting me to fight for her, tell her to stay with me. But it was all to fast, I just said what was on my mind. "Ok" and then took a sip of my coffee as I see her getting up and walk to the door but stops in the middles and yells "You know what, fuck you! You're always like this, make up your fucking mind and learn how to take decisions!" I kept drinking my coffee. 

  I am lost in a maze, a maze of feelings, questions, doubts; a maze of love. I live in a city that welcomes me with a bitter-sweet hello.  A city that has only one quality; and that is to destroy tiny hearts and souls that cherish peace. They’re only seeking for their soul mates. But they end up not believing in love at all. Charlie, I live in a city where people actually think love is not real and I dislike it.

Love,

Joctan.