Loving Kinnick (Rewritten)

You Never Gave Anyone The Chance

When I stared into her caramel eyes, full of wonder and awe, I found myself regretting everything I did wrong in life - not because I thought she would judge me based on them, even though I waited for her too - but because it made me remember how much I truly didn't deserve to talk to her.

As the corners of her lips tugged upward and she found humor in my words, I wondered what I did to deserve to make such a pretty girl smile. Not just any pretty girl, though. The curly-haired one with dimples deep set in her cheeks and a burst of melodic laughter—the one who was brilliantly intelligent and curious about everything.

No, she wasn't just any pretty girl. The second her hand rested over mine, and she gave me a reassuring smile, I felt my body weaken. She asked why I left class so abruptly, but I couldn't explain myself to her. I didn't regret leaving her until my hands touched the steering wheel, and I realized I had left her alone with Luke. Miles promised to watch over her until he left, and if I trusted anyone, it was him. 

I knew she would hate me if I did what the voices inside of my head were asking - hit anything until it stopped breathing. I couldn't give her a reason to avoid me - if I already haven't. So, I steered clear from anything that would piss me off, like leave, so I didn't hurt Luke more than I did over the weekend.

So, I went to the gym. When my body felt exhausted from the continuous blows I delivered to the punching bag, I asked myself why the feeling hadn't subsided. Why was she still fucking with my head? My forehead fell against the surface I hit, and I let out a scream of frustration. I just didn't want to feel weak.

Blood seeped through the wraps on my hands, dripping from the bandages I covered my scars with, but nothing ever seemed to help. The adrenaline coursing through my veins wouldn't allow me to feel any pain, but I knew it would be waiting for the second it wore off. I didn't care, though.

John came around the corner, calling Riley to grab the first aid kit from his office.

When I fell back against the bench near the window, I saw John coming around the corner with Riley next to his side. His green eyes widened as he hurried toward me, calling Riley to grab the first-aid kit from his office.

"Kid," he sighed. "I told you to be careful." 

"She is fucking with my head," I sucked in harsh breaths.

"What?"

"Bo," I seethed, tugging at my hair. "She is fucking with me -"

"I doubt that," he grabbed my hand to apply the damp towel to my skin.

"She makes me feel weak," I snapped. "I haven't felt that way since my dad -"

"Kinnick, she is nothing like your dad."

"Then why do I feel so weak?"

"Your dad made you feel weak because he was forty-two-year-old alcoholic who beat on his eight-year-old son to feel better about himself," his eyes hardened. "Bo makes you feel weak because you like her."

"I don't like her," I scoffed.

"Fuck me," he rolled his eyes.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, you do, and the only reason you are denying it is because you are afraid she will reject you."

"I haven't dated anyone before."

"Because you never gave anyone the chance," he poured alcohol over my cuts. "And sleeping with them doesn't count."

"Bo and I went out for dinner -"

"As a date?"

"What? No," my head moved back and forth. "Well, I don't think so. How do I know?"

"Did you ask?"

"I asked her if she was hungry."

He smacked his forehead. "Kinnick, did you ask her on a date?"

"No, I have never been on one."

"Yeah, I wonder why," he spoke with thick sarcasm. "Why don't you ask her?"

"What if she rejects me?"

"Then she rejects you," John shrugged, wrapping my knuckles. "You will be fine."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Tell her how you feel."

"I don't know how I feel."

"I know," his face lost all emotion. "It has been that way for the last ten years."

The gym filled with his laughter as I shoved him to the ground. John loved doing what he could to embarrass me because it didn't happen often. There were many things I prided myself on, and whenever he found something to break it down, he would. That thing happened to be Bo and my inability to tell her how I feel.

Without saying another word to John, I grabbed my duffle bag from the ground and pushed through the front door. I couldn't decide where I was going until my phone reminded me of the notification from Bo I never answered. And my truck turned down the street that would lead me to her house.

I pulled in front of the Victorian home, empty of light. Before stepping out of my truck, I looked at the time to make sure Seth was gone for his shift tonight. The burning sensation in my knuckles only intensified as I knocked on her door, and the bandages on my fingers scraped the cuts.

When she didn't come to the door, I checked the time. As worry filled my veins, I fell back onto the porch swing to call her, but I hesitated because I didn't know what to say. Hey, I am at your house. It is nine at night, and I was just calling to ask where you are at because you didn't answer your door. Yeah - that is something a fucking stalker would say.

I leaned forward, dropping my face to my hands as I rubbed my head. I knew I couldn't leave until I knew she was back home and safe. Just as my finger was about to hit call, the sound of a car pulling in front of the house caught my attention. When a black Chevy parked out front, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion until I watched Bo step down from the passenger seat, and I caught sight of Luke.

My vision dropped the porch below me as my jaw clenched. The sound of his exhaust popping made my stomach churn. Her boots clicked on the pavement as she walked up the stairs slowly. When she stopped next to the swing, I didn't wait for her to speak.

"A good friend wouldn't have left until they knew you made it inside safely," I sat back.

Her shoulder tipped upward. "It isn't that big of a deal -"

"Have you guys been together all night?"

"He wanted to talk," she mumbled. "So, I had dinner at his house."

My head nodded as I stared ahead because I needed to stay calm. "So, you forgave him?"

"That is what friends do," her voice only became smaller. "Why are you here? My dad could have caught you -"

"I don't know," I stood from the swing, stepping around her as I pulled my keys from my pocket. "It was a mistake."

"Kinnick -"

I ignored her plea to make me stay as I walked down her sidewalk. "Have a goodnight."