Loving Kinnick (Rewritten)

I Had To Make Sure You Were Okay

When my alarm started going off, my eyes didn't blink awake because they were already staring at the ceiling like they had been all night. Last night, I tried texting Kinnick, but he never answered me, even after reading my messages. Exhaustion settled in, making me surrender to the sleep beckoning my name.

Lights flashed over my eyelids, and it felt like I was back at the party as the events played through my mind all over again. Just as Warren climbed over my body, thunder woke me from my sleep, and a scream ripped through my throat. I clutched my comforter close to my chest as my sobs filled the emptiness in the house.

I couldn't remember when I stopped running to my dad to save me, but I also couldn't remember if I ever ran to anyone other than my mom. She would always be there to comfort me at times of need. She would pull me into her chest, stroke my curls, and whisper quotes from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower until my breathing regulated.

When I couldn't breathe, I pulled my mom's cardigan from underneath my pillow and held it close to my chest. As I sucked in the air, I realized I couldn't smell her perfume anymore. Her scent faded away, and as I cried into the material, I begged whoever could hear me not to let her memory fade too.

I cried until the tears dried out, and Miles called me. I declined Chrissy's offer for a ride when the hazel-eyed boy said he was outside of my house, waiting for me. Now I am sitting inside the college's refectory, struggling to keep warm as Miles ordered coffee from the long line of students.

Everyone around me talked about their classes and discussed exams over breakfast. I kept my eyes on the evergreens and how they whipped back and forth in the storm. Rain poured from the clouds, coating the windows. My fingers curled around the cup of coffee Miles slid in front of me as he came back to sit down.

"Are you okay?"

I turned to Miles with a small smile. "Of course."

"Liar," he grinned. "What's going on?"

"Kinnick is upset with me."

He cocked a brow, setting down his drink. "Are you sure about that?"

"I went with Luke last night to eat dinner at his house, and Kinnick found out -"

"Oh," his hazel eyes widened. "That would do it."

"We should get to class before we are late," I moved away from my chair. "We wouldn't want Professor Evans to be any more upset with us than he already is."

"Is Chrissy going to be there?"

I turned to him with amusement twisting my features. "Why?"

"Shut up," he grumbled. "I am just curious."

"You've never talked to her."

"Doesn't mean I can't be interested."

"She has a boyfriend."

"Yeah, they look so in love," he rolled his eyes, making me laugh.

When we slid into our seats, I watched Kinnick walk through the doors. Instead of sitting next to me, he moved into the chair beside Miles. Confusion filled my head as he did everything to avoid me. My eyes dropped to his bruised hands, but when I looked up at his face for evidence of a fight, there was none. Miles shot me apologetic looks as his friend gave me the cold shoulder.

"What's up, girl?" Chrissy squealed. "My mom was so happy you came over last night!"

I smiled up at her. "Your mom is so sweet - I am glad I came."

"Well, so was Luke," she sighed. "All he did was talk about you last night."

Kinnick scoffed, leaning back into his seat. "No one wants to hear about any of this."

"Why are you being so rude?"

His icy blues eyes turned to me, narrowing as he stared. "Why do you care?"

"Because this all seemed to start after I told you I forgave Luke," I sighed. "And I don't even know why you are upset. I am allowed to forgive my friends for making mistakes."

"Maybe you need new friends."

"I tried making one, but he has been treating me coldly."

"Did you forgive your ex as easily when he hurt you?" He seethed. "Because here you are, letting history repeat itself."

His words wrapped around my throat, squeezing every breath of air from my lungs as tears welled in my eyes. Suddenly, the room felt like it was closing in. I shoved away from the desk. The chair screeched against the ground, and everyone turned to look at me as I stood up.

He didn't know a thing about Warren, but I thought I could trust Kinnick enough to tell him my story. As he stared at me without remorse, and I felt tears running down my cheeks, I realized I couldn't. After everything that happened with Warren, I tried convincing myself it wasn't rape. I never said no. Not outloud, at least. I acted fine, and no one said a word about it.

I even let my relationship with Warren continue for a few weeks until I swallowed a bottle of pills and spent time in a hospital for attempted suicide. Dad never second-guessed anything, and everyone at school started treating me differently. They all wanted to know why I tried taking my own life. The only people who knew were Chrissy and Luke. How could I not forgive the only person who knows my whole story?

I choked on a sob as I looked at Kinnick. "I never want to see you again."

I shoved through the classroom doors and looked for the closest exit. I made it outside, allowing the rain to pelt my face as I ran down the sidewalk. My heart clenched with pain. Cries left my lips. I found it impossible to breathe.

By the time I made it home, I felt exhausted with the pain that never stopped striking me in the chest. I made my way to my bathroom, stumbling to the door as my vision blurred again. I dropped to the toilet as bile raised from my throat, emptying into the bowl below me.

I sucked in deep breaths as I opened the cabinet doors to grab mouthwash when I found the pain medicine my doctor prescribed after the wreck. My head moved back and forth as I told myself to shut the door, but I reached for the bottle.

"Bo?"

My hands dropped the bottle as I heard someone call my name from downstairs. I moved away from my bathroom, wiping my eyes as I walked toward the stairwell. Just as I was coming down, Miles came into view. His face twisted with sadness as he looked up at me with remorse.

"I am sorry I barged in, but I had to make sure you were okay," he sighed. "I followed you home too - are you okay?"

My head moved back and forth. "No."

"I am sorry," he said as I came down the stairs. "I am so sorry."

I threw myself into his chest. "Please, don't leave."

"I am here for as long as you need me to be."