Friends With Benefits - P.JM | 18+

11

I text you again, "Stay safe."

I didn't know where you were, but considering you are usually outside. I thought the message was simple and sweet.

It doesn't take long before Chuwie arrives, she smiles,

"Ready?"

I give the same expression back, nodding my head.

Sometimes, I wish I could've stayed longer with Chuwie-- around her I was able to forget. Around her, I could act as if you didn't exist.

It was toxic-- finding happiness from someone and them being the reason why you're held upright.

It's messed up, but it helped me cope.

She was like my anchor, holding me in place-- stabilising me.

I was deeply embarrassed.

I wanted to be my own anchor. I wanted to stabilise myself-- Yet, I couldn't.

I was so reliant and it was pathetic.

Chuwie and I walk down the corner-- we usually go this way when her mother comes to collect us.

We see the small cobalt blue car from the distance-- the number plate was recognisable and we head towards the vehicle.

We both make it towards the back doors.

Her mother smiles before asking, "How are you? Y/N."

She felt like my own mother-- she was gentle, sweet and giving.

Sometimes, it hurts knowing some people are so pure for this world.

I smile, "I'm okay, you?"

She nods her head before she twists the key, the engine now starting,

"Thank god, I came to collect you guys-- it's very busy."

It was busy. It was absolutely chaotic.

People were constantly shoving past to get onto one bus-- when they couldn't-- they'd usually wait for another but the same continued to happen-- this would go on for hours.

People didn't care if someone were to get trampled on, they didn't even care if someone injured themselves-- funny, I'm calling them people.

They were animals.

Every home time was like a bloody stampede-- no, even worse-- a war zone.

We make it towards the round-about before Chuwie's mum says, "Guys, I have a couple shifts to attend to-- I can't take you home straight away-- you guys will have to wait in the car."

Chuwie sucks her teeth, "The bus should've been an option."

I chuckle at her behaviour,

"It's fine. I don't mind." I smile.

At the first destination, Chuwie's mum leaves us in the car for about 30 minutes-- during those 30 minutes, we end up talking-- in other words, Chuwie uses her abilities to convince me to open up.

"Speak." She says.

Chuwie was blunt with her words and I know that if I talk to her, I'd get the correct answers and possibly even be pointed in the right direction.

However, sometimes, I believe that there is no right or wrong direction-- instead, things happen to you for a reason and whether it's good or bad, it's a lesson that we must cherish forever; the lesson may be harsh and hurtful, but in the end, it was a lesson and it's meant to be that way-- nothing comes easy, nothing ever will.

You must work your way towards it.

In other words, run towards it.

Chuwie.

I may be distant. I may act like I don't care-- sometimes, I've noticed that I come off as unemotional.

I want to say, I'd never leave you behind. Never. I want to win in life with you-- I want to achieve my goals with you-- in other words, I want to reach OUR goals together.

I want to be happy with you and you, forever.

Sometimes, I feel like we're tied together-- it scares me because I always fear that the knot might be undone and we may slip away from each other.

I didn't want to think like that, but when you've watched people tear the ropes off and leave-- you get yourself to believe that everybody will disappear.

I hope you don't.

It was a sudden thought, but it was random.

I tear up as I stare at Chuwie.

Her gaze softens before she asks.

"It's him, isn't it?"

I nod,

"Yeah.. It's stupid, Chuwie." My voice was croaky and strained, the sniffles that were leaving my nose were heavy.

She shakes her head, quite quickly.

"It isn't. It truly isn't. Relationships, situationships, talking stages, friendships, friends with benefits-- nothing comes easy and it'll all make you feel something. Whether it's bad or good."

I agree-- she wasn't wrong, but I didn't want to feel anything. I always push things away so I didn't have to feel-- dumb, some may say.

However, it's the only way to prevent a heartbreak. It's weird, I put myself through this because I wanted to feel. I guess-- I wanted to feel more during the situation-- when the situation was over, I no longer needed the feel, if that makes sense?

At some point, I just go into avoidance until I'm completely torn apart.

I wish-- I wish you could avoid things forever.

Yet, that was impossible.

The more I run from the issue, the more it chases and gains up on me--

"I don't know-- Chuwie.. I like him-- Yet, I don't. He's not mentally okay. He really isn't. I'm worried about his mental health-- I wish he'd talk. I want him to be happy."

She sucks her teeth,

"I see where this is going-- You know, maybe it's not love. Maybe, you just like the idea of helping him-- you just want to save him, don't you?"

That was it.

That's what I wanted.

I wanted to save you,

I wanted to save you from your thoughts.

I wanted to save you from the pain.

Even though it was merely impossible, I wanted to try, I wanted to give it my all.

Jimin, you deserved the world and I wanted to give you that.

"Judging by your face--"

Chuwie suddenly interrupts.

"--I'm guessing I was right. You know, this isn't healthy?"

Her eyebrows raised as she looked at me with a slight frown.

She was right, I knew she was.

"The situationship you're in right now, really reminds me of my relationship with Izumi."

Ah, Izumi, how could I forget?